It's Time for the Rain

This past weekend Bear and I hit the skids and headed back to the D for E-Dawg's wedding shower. This is the first shower that I have been to since my own wedding shower. The shower came with many personal challenges, but all things considered I think I did pretty good. I reserved my melt downs and reflection for the ride home. I considered giving perro one on my ativans for the ride since I was inconsolable.....and since Bear was trying desperately to climb out the window of the car. And for those of you who don't know, Bear is very crafty, and yes she would climb out a window without a second thought. I swear if I gave her the keys she would find a way to start and drive the car. Funny Bear story that drives the point home about her driving the car. My mom and I were looking at condos earlier this year. And of course I decided to bring Bear. She waited in the car while we did our rounds. At one condo, my mom and I were inside with Judy, the Realtor. We were all in the kitchen when I head what I thought was Judy's car alarm. Judy looked at me quizzically and said "That's not my car, that's yours." I was totally shocked since I didn't remember my alarm sounding like it did. We all went to the window of the condo and looked out to see Bear sitting in the drivers' seat, like a person, honking the horn. It went something like this....honk...pause...honk honk...pause...long honk. It was like Bear was saying "Come on already mom. Let's get this show on the road." I swear Bear is a person....she is frickin nutz. We were all in tears....that dog of mine....she's one smart cookie.

Back to the shower.....as I was saying, the shower came with some challenges.
Watching Em open her presents brought back so many memories. Ben and I still have many unopened/un-used wedding presents. Of course it was our hope one day to own a home here in Grand Rapids. It was in this home that we had hoped to host dinner parties, our first holiday dinners, and bbq's. It is so sad to think that these parties will never be. I will never host a Thanksgiving dinner with Ben. We will never use our special china, or that perfect serving platter. We will never toast each other using our wedding champagne flutes. We will never open our one bottle of Cristal, which we promised to save for the day we found out that we were having a baby. These days will never come. Ben and I's last holiday dinner was spent together at Hospice...it was Thanksgiving.....two days before Ben passed. He was in a coma. We had turkey on paper plates and Bear said her final goodbye to her papa. It was very stressful and no one wanted to eat. I didn't want to leave Ben's side for a minute.

The funny thing is I really really wanted plain white dishes. B on the other hand wanted blue dishes, so we compromised and ended up getting white dishes with blue flowers from Crate and Barrel....our first marital compromise. I look at these dishes all the time and see B. Every morning during B's illness I woke up and made him breakfast. Most mornings I made french toast with cinnamon and nutmeg, served with powdered sugar and syrup. I also was sure to include fresh fruit, a glass of OJ, a side of cottage cheese, and a entire cocktail of meds. Every morning I woke up 2 hours early so that I could be sure to make Ben a wonderful breakfast. It was made with love, real honest love. Most morning I was so tired from the night before, because most nights Ben was up screaming in pain. Not to mention I had such anxiety about our future, that sleeping was not an option. I have no idea how Ben and I did it, but we did. So every morning I brought B breakfast in bed, served on our wedding china. I thought why not? Why not use the nice stuff on Ben? And some mornings I would make eggs, or pancakes, but Ben's favorite was the french toast. He loved my french toast. French toast was the last thing Ben ate before he died. It was all he talked about. I'll never forget, arriving at Hospice and Ben ordering french toast. It was the first time in weeks that he fed himself. He was alert and talkative, and I thought he was getting better. That day he made DBone promise to treat me like a daughter and not a daughter- in- law. He made DBone promise 3 times, and DBone promised...she has kept that promise. It was so important to Ben to know that I was going to be cared for. He needed to know that I was going to be OK before he left.

It's crazy to think that B and I carried on in utter chaos for 10 months. Each morning following breakfast in bed, I would help to drag B to the side of the bed in an effort to help him stand. The only way I was of any help was to grab his legs, while pulling his hands at the same time in a 90 degree arc. Once I got him to the edge of the bed, I would hold onto one hand while leaning back with my entire body weight, all while B pushed up from the bed with one hand. We did this routine every morning. We would get him in the shower, and while he showered I would pack his work bag, his lunch, his meds, a heating pad, and gum. I would place phone calls to all his dr's....mostly his primary oncologist and his pain dr. Most calls were to report that Ben was in so much pain that he thought he couldn't go on. And most calls ended without resolution. Ben was never pain free. Following each shower, I would help him to apply lotion to get dressed, and to put his shoes on. He was finally ready for work!

Ben called me no less than 6 times every day. He told me that without talking to me, he couldn't do it. He would call to tell me he made it in the car, or made it to school, or made it to class. He called all the time. And during every call I reassured him that he was going to be OK, when I really didn't know if he was. I took every call, and I was so afraid that my boss was going to fire me. But Ben needed me, and I knew that I had to talk to him.

I often times wonder if I should have taken off time to push him to class. He struggled so much. Would life have been easier if I had been there more to help? I guess I will never know. But one thing I know for sure....Ben is feeling much better. He is happy, and handsome, and pain free. He is whole again.