Shake it Like A Rice

This past weekend I again headed back to the Windy City. This time my visit was for a wedding...a wedding of some close friends. I decided to head into Chicago a day early so that I could spend some time with family and friends. I condo crashed with my cuz D-Res. I love seeing her, however after this weekend, I'm not so sure she feels the same.

Friday night started with a bang. I had dinner and drinks at Benchmark with Dana and Melis. My first error of the night was not eating enough for dinner and having a bit to much to drink. I can't drink much these days, so after 2 glasses of wine, walking in my fabulous Tory Burch wedges became a liability....hahah. The night sorta went downhill from there. There was a brief stop at Walgreens, where D-Res hula hooped in isle 5, followed up by a dance party at D-Res's featuring and the infamous "alligator". However the funniest moment of the night came with a full LMuttz meltdown. It went something like this. I was in the kitchen talking with Juan. I became increasing sad and told him how much I missed Ben. This was followed up with a full waterworks display. I continued the meltdown, and mentioned to Juan how much he would have loved Ben, seeing as they never met. I told Juan that I was so lonely and so pathetic....or something along those lines. But the kicker came after I professed to Juan that I was a piece of shit. And this is the direct quote. "Juan, I am so lonely....a total piece of shit. I mean look at me, I can't mow a lawn or run a rototiller." Juan just looked at me with a blank face. He was trying so hard not to laugh. Juan then looked me right in the eyes and said "Well what is lower than a piece of shit, because I don't even know what a rototiller is." My tears of sorrow turned into tears of laughter. Everyone was laughing out load. Juan told me that I was the funnest person he knew.

But the truth of the matter is that I do feel like a piece of shit. I am forced to admit almost everyday that there are things that I simply can't and won't do. I, over time, had become accustomed to Ben handling the "man's jobs", and now in his absence I am forced to do all these things myself. However for the record, I have yet to mow the lawn or rototiller a garden....what the hell?

It is just a sense of failure on so many levels. I feel like I have lost so much...my husband, my confidence, my sense of humor...I feel like I lost it all. The last 2 years have aged me...for real aged me. And I often times wonder if I look as bad as I feel. Will there come a day when someone thinks I'm cute.....likely not, I'm a train wreck!

So as I was saying, I was in Chicago for a wedding. This was the first wedding I went to alone, without Ben. I had such anxiety...I was nervous, and sad. It was the first time I had to find a way to zip my own dress. And zipping a dress alone is a challenge, a real challenge. It was the first time I didn't have Ben tell me that I looked pretty. It was the first time I didn't have him to dance with in almost 6 years. It was strange. I arrived at the Wit, with much reservation. However sometimes the anticipation ends up being much worse than the actual event. I ended up having a great time. And I made a great decision to take it easy on the wine at the wedding....this comes after a strong recommendation from Miss Melis and Miss Dana....wink wink. Actually this is some of the best advice I received all weekend. Alcohol makes me sad, and I didn't want to cry at the wedding. I reserved the drinking for the after party. And I am so glad I didn't drink much at the wedding because the bride and groom mentioned Ben, and losing him this year. It was so special. Jenna and Scottie are amazing friends. And the bride looked show stopping.

I was so touched that during their special day they too were thinking of Ben. Ben was also featured in a slide show. Seeing his picture the first time took my breath away, but after the initial shock it was comforting to see him. I was like "there you are my handsome hubby". Following this my friend Natalie and I decided to get some air. This turned out to be quite an adventure. Natalie and I ended up getting locked in the stairwell on the 27th floor. We had to walk down 22 flights of stairs in high heels before being rescued. It was so silly and so frickin funny. I am not shocked....let's just say that.

The night carried on well into the early am hours, and a large group of us continued the after party at Mahoney's. And for those of you who don't know me, staying out till 3 :30 am is not my MO. But I was having such a great time. Mahoney's is an 80's dance bar, where they feature beer pong, flip cup, and adult Jenga. It was a blast. Everyone was having a great time. I still can't believe I stayed out till 3:30. I owe that to Ben. I know that if he was there, we would have been out, no questions asked. So for me, for us, I stayed out....no regrets.

It was almost bittersweet. Watching your friends pledge to love each other not matter what is so touching. It brings me such reassurance in hearing vows and knowing that Ben and I lived and kept our marital vows. We were committed...till death do us part. And this wedding comes just a week before my anniversary. It was hard not to reflect. I can close my eyes and see him at the end of the isle. I of course was crying as I walked to him, but Ben too had tears in his eyes. We loved each other.....we did. I remember his smell that day, or dancing the hora, or doing shots at the bar. I remember it all like it was yesterday.

My wedding was the single happiest day of my life, and I am so glad that I was there to share in the Rice's happiest day too. All my love and congrats Scottie and Jeanna. It was a honor being there.