The Final Gift

It is amazing to me how fast time flies. It feels like just a short time ago I was celebrating my birthday with B. Just like last year, this year too is very difficult.....way more difficult actually since B isn't here. Last year B was so sick, and I'm not sure we left the basement. He got me my Nook because I love to read so much, and it is something I will cherish forever. It is the last gift he gave me, well that's not entirely true.

We both loved celebrating our birthdays. B's is October 11th, right around Halloween which was his favorite holiday, and mine is July 5th, just one day after the 4th....obviously. We always went out for Halloween. And we always dressed up, but here's the kicker, B always made me be something ridiculous. B and I went to the annual Halloween Party at Park West with Dana, B's amazing cousin. It was a great time and there were so many people there....thousands. However, most of the ladies were dressed in rather provocative outfits, except (and when I say except, I mean it) me. B convinced me that it would be funny if we went out as Stephi Graph and Andre Agassi 1980's circuit. We went as far as getting a gigantic prosthetic nose for my outfit. As I said before, there were thousands of people at this party, and one man actually stopped me to tell me that I was the single ugliest woman at the party. I about died. Talk about felling like shit. So I tell B, and he laughs. This was not funny. I mean come on, there are 500 hundred other women there, and all the men there think I am the ugliest. And we weren't engaged then, so to think that no one thought I was cute, except Ben....I was pissed!

So the following year, we go to the same party as Pam Anderson and Kid Rock. I have on a pretty modest outfit, for Pam. I wore tight jeans and a tee shirt that I rolled up a bit....just above the belly button. I did however stuff the crap out of my bra, naturally. So B and I head again to Park West. We take the El, and walk 5 blocks to Dana's. This time however mothers were yelling at me, telling me I should be ashamed of myself. Again I wanted to put my head in the sand. However this time B, was there to rescue me. He turned around and yelled back, "your just jealous you don't look this good, mind your own business". I was mortified and proud, and to be honest my costume was not that provocative. There were much worse. We also went out as Kelly and Zack from Saved By the Bell, and Mario and Luigi. We had so much fun. So this year, I go out again as a single person, let's not go there.

Now back to my birthday. My birthday was always surrounded by a long holiday weekends. We almost always were with our friends, camping, drinking, celebrating. Ben's favorite saying was that he ordered the fireworks special for my birthday....he loved saying that. So this year to be alone feels so empty. I actually had no plans until about a week ago, when Dana suggested I come to Chicago. It sounded like a great plan to me since there was nothing else to do. And I don't want it to come off like I am only going as a last resort, because that's not true.

And this year I turn 30, and what do I have to show for it. I feel so sad. All my friends have families, and homes, and children, and I have a dog, a headstone for my husband, and a grave plot next to him. However I have a great dog at that. I think I might invent a doggie bjorn to carry Bear around in. Without Bear, I'm nothing. Seriously Bear is more than a dog to me, she is my family. And I know if B was here, he would have thrown me a party with chocolate chip cookie cakes. And no I don't like chocolate chip cookie cakes, he did. I will never forget 2 birthdays ago. We were still living in Chicago and for a month straight every time B went to the store he would come home with a cookie cake. He said we were celebrating my birthday all month. So it is fair to assume that B ate at least 4 cookies cakes in the month of July....what a clown.

Both B and I's last 2 birthdays sucked. Last year I remember closing my eyes so tight when I blew out the candles on my cake, and wishing for a miracle. I was wishing that God would take mercy on B, that he would grant me my only b-day wish. Again this year I am going to close my eyes tights, and wish for B. I will take seeing him in a dream, or a sign from him, since I know that this nightmare is real and that wishing is not going to change things for me...for B.

B's final gift to me was not the nook. B's final gift to me was telling me he loved me. B hadn't talked in days. We were at hospice and his time on earth was coming to an end. I was laying in bed with him, watching Knocked Up, we were all alone. I was looking at every feature so as to not forget. I was trying to remember every freckle, every scar, every color of his beard, his lips, his nose, everything. I was holding his hand, and I told him that I loved him, and that he didn't need to be scared, even thought I was so scared. I told him I would be OK, and he whispered "I love You". I was so shocked that I actually punched him in the arm and asked him to say it again. He didn't because I think it took him everything to say those final words. Those are the last words he ever said. This was his final gift to me. So thank you Benjamin Ross Mutnick, for my wonderful gift, it is beautiful.