30 With A Mid-Life Crisis

It would be fair to say that I never expected that I would turn 30 and be a widow. A widow....boy that sounds so strange every time I say it. 30 and alone. 30 and rebuilding. 30 and lost. I went to Chicago this past week to ring in my birthday with some of my most loving family and friends. I went back and forth wondering whether or not I wanted to spend my birthday alone or with friends, and my decision to be with family and friends was the right choice.

Chicago was so bittersweet. Everywhere I turned I saw B. He was ever present, it was palpable. He was really there. I have such strong memories of us together there. It was Chicago where we fell in love, where we played co-ed softball, where B played football, where we did the great City Chase, where we had a life. It was there I see B....B without disease. Chicago is my life, our life. B and I lived Chicago to the fullest. We took every opportunity the City had to offer. We went to at least 4 Cubs games every season, tailgated to Evanston for the MSU football games, went to watch MSU basketball, went to the Hawks games, played beach volley ball, played indoor volleyball, golfed, golfed, golfed, golfed. We made friends, we went out to dinner, we went to the dog beach, we did EVERYTHING.

My dad and mom said their memories of Ben are those from Chicago. Gosh every time my parents came to town we did something fun. We all tailgated to Evanston for the MSU/Northwestern football game. It was amazing because MSU came back from the biggest deficient of all time to win the game. We took the El. My dad loved the El. He loves talking to people, and what better place than the El. The El is the best place for socialization and for people watching. My dad and Ben almost got in a fight with the most obnoxious Northwestern fan in history. I am actually shocked that fists weren't thrown...shocked. And then we took Don and Nanc to a Cubs game. A New York Yankees fan was a bit intoxicated and hit on a married women. This obviously did not fair well with the hubby who was a Cubs fan, and an actual fight broke out right next to us. My dad was holding onto the New York fan so that he would fall over the railing to his death. It was so scary, and get this....the New York fan told my dad to let him go...it went something like this "let me go you old f-ing fart", and Big D laughed. We were so busy, so involved in the buzz of the City. Chicago has left me so lost.

I really feel like I am having an identity crisis. I feel like I'm living the life of a stranger. I was married, and owned a condo a Chicago, and had a loving husband who wanted to start a family, and in an instant I lost every thing. I look in the mirror and hardly recognize the person looking back at me. Chicago made me realize how lonely/empty I really am in Grand Rapids.

I spend so many nights alone here. And I know that I would be less lonely if B where here, but being here in GR and single is really really hard. I miss going out to dinner, or doing the adventurous things that we used to do together. I mean I had to beg and beg to get someone to golf with me. Not to mention this is my first year not playing softball in years. I guess I just didn't realize how hard it was going to be being single again. Being single is hard, being is widow is harder. I am just so lost.....so so so lost.

I just have to believe that Ben is working hard to make this right for me. He is going to lead me where I need to go. He is helping me, even though he's not here. So for me, 30 is not all it's cracked up to be. I guess thing can only get better, right?