Perma-Grin

Do you remember when you were younger and your parents used to tell you that if you continued to stick your tongue out, your face would get stuck that way? Well I often times wonder if my face is going to freeze with a permanent smile. And it's not a genuine smile, but a face that I put on for every day living. If I walked around with the facial expression reflecting how I really felt, people would be horrified. I have a terrible cry face. I am not one of those people who have a cute or attractive sad face..I'm serious, I look like the joker when I cry....shudder. So there are days when I come home from work and my face literally hurts. I try so hard to keep it together. I smile when I want to cry, laugh when I want to cry, and pretend I am on the mend when my heart is still in pieces. To say I am doing better would be an over-exaggeration. I am still heart broken.

I have never in my life been more disappointed. My new normal is a much quieter normal. You can't explain what life without your husband is like. It's something that no one will understand until they go through it themselves. And trust me, no one wants to feel this way.....this empty, this alone. I watch as everyone goes on with their lives, while I am left behind, left alone.

It's funny, right after Ben passed away the phone rang off the hook. Everyone was so worried, so concerned, so heartbroken for me. But now, 8 months later the phone never rings. It's like the gossip train has pulled out, and everyone assumes that my life is great....back to normal. Well guess what, it's not. It's more lonely now, than it was right after Ben left. I come home from work, eat a dill pickle from the can, workout, and head to bed. Not having someone to share the day with, to discuss work with, to make weekend plans with, to go out to dinner with is miserable. And I have to say, I have my core network. Those friends who call and who check in. And I love them....absolutely love them. I appreciate our dinner dates, and movies nights so much. It gives me time to eat, to talk to humans, to live. However on the nights when I'm alone I find that my mind never turns off.

I often replay the events that happened over the last year. I will never forgot the first day when Ben was seen at OAM....he saw Dr. #1. Dr. #1 called down to my department and asked me to come upstairs. As I walked up I saw Dr. # 1 and several other Ortho Partners reviewing Ben's x-rays. They were all pointing and studying the images. I never thought in a million years that Dr. Jabara would say the word cancer. Obviously he didn't know for sure that Ben had cancer but he had a pretty good idea. Dr. J told me that he covered with Ben all the possibilities that he could be facing, and he told me that Ben looked scared. Dr. J told me that there were many things that could have caused the hip damage, however all I heard was cancer. Dr. J told me to go in and see Ben, and he told me to tell him that I loved him. I believe in my heart that Dr. Jabara knew then that things were really bad for Ben.

Ben just sat there with his head down, swinging his legs like a kid in time out. He was wearing his brown cargo pants, his Texas Longhorns sweatshirt, his "B" belt, and naturally a hat. He looked so scared and I tried not to cry, but I was so shocked. Within one week, we found out that Ben had cancer and in an instant, life changed. Ben went from handsome and healthy, to weak and sick. He went from fun loving and athletic, to worried, depressed and immobile. Life is about moments, life changing moments. It's what you do with those moments that defines you. Ben tried so hard to keep living, to keep moving forward. He was so selfless.

During Ben's final hospitalization we found out again that the cancer had spread...this time it had spread to the spine. Which explains why Ben had such tremendous back pain. I will never forget this day.....MSU was playing IOWA. It ended up being a huge loss....MSU really blew that game....it was a Saturday. Ben's mom had been with us all week and had just left to head back to Detroit for a few days. The oncology PA came in for regular rounds. I casually asked what, if anything showed up on Ben's recent scans. I never in a million years thought that she would report that the cancer had spread. Her face said it all! I felt like I was going to puke. I called DBone and my parents. And Ben kept saying over and over again....I am so sorry Lindsay for causing you so much pain and heartache. I am so worried about you. Here Ben was worried about L, when all he should have been worried about was B. And he had to call Tony. He had to tell Tony that he was so sorry he would not be able to come to his wedding. Ben knew then that he was dying. The fight was over, and here Ben was showing us what it was like to love someone more than yourself.

That day he apologized to both my parents for causing their daughter so much pain. He told them he never wanted to hurt me....it is moments like these that define a person. Ben showed what it was like to be a man, a husband, a partner. It is moments like this that I know love, and that he taught me a lifelong lesson, and for that I'm thankful. I miss Ben so much. I miss his smell, his voice, his touch. I miss my best friend and Bear and Kitty miss their papa. Ben was such a driving force. He pushed me to do things I never thought I could do. We participated in the Great Chicago City Chase. It was like a small scale amazing race in Chicago. The deal was that I would do the race so long as Ben didn't yell at me and so long as I didn't have to eat anything gross. I have a horrible gag reflux and Ben knew that. Ben agreed to the terms and game on. We ended up having a blast, however one challenge required us to match dog pictures with proper names. Depending on how you scored coincided with the amount of dog food you had to eat. As I said Ben promised during gross food challenges he would step up to the plate. Well guess what, Ben couldn't do it. He couldn't eat the dog food. He was dry heaving and carrying on, so I had to step up to the plate, literally. I actually feel queasy typing this. It was horrible but I did it for Team Muttz. Ben was so proud. We finished the challenge and ran to the El. It was on the platform at Division that I got sick. Ben was laughing and cheering me on and I was pissed. I made him promise that from here on out, we would only feed Bear steaks. I am here to tell you that dog food tastes like.....well like shit. The City Chase was so much fun. Ben scaled (and yes this is a pic of B climbing down the tower) the towers at the end of Navy Pier, we swam in our underwear at U of C, we rowed boats in Lincoln Park, we did a strip tease, we rock climbed, and we pushed each other. It was so much fun, and we learned so much about each other during the chase.

I wake up in a panic looking for Ben. I have not forgotten him...as a matter of fact I ordered a lamp for his side of the bed. I guess you could say bad habits die hard. I kept thinking, Ben needs a light to take his meds, or to grab his urinal...Ben needs a light too. The light if perfect. I plan to keep the light on his side of the bed on low, just in case, in case he decides to come home.