Amazing Grace

So you all know the movie P.S. I Love you right? Well if you don't watch it, but be sure to have a box of Kleenex next to you! Well Ben pulled off a bit of what I would consider a P.S. I Love You moment. Right after Ben passed away I was compulsive about cleaning....that has changed significantly but for whatever reason something was telling me that I needed to clean the couch. This is something I hardly ever do, especially since I haven't' spent much time on the couch since Ben passed away. Our nice couch resides in the "man cave". The room that screams Ben. This room houses an original Foosball table as well as an original wood dart board with a news write up on Band Camp and his incident at MSU (I won't go into details). The man cave also has surround sound, trophies from softball tournaments, the Wii, and may pics of Ben and I from our college years. This room is all Ben, with a sprinkle of L. I have little by little, moved things into storage, however this room remains mostly Ben. There are not many nights that I can go into the basement without crying. Not to mention my wedding dress is on the ground, winking at me...more like laughing at me! And let's say, it's my least favorite piece of clothing that I own. I have a love/hate relationship with that f-ing dress!

However one Sunday morning I woke up with an agenda, and cleaning the couch was on it. I started by vacuuming the entire couch. This is the couch that Ben and I bought together for our condo in Chicago. It was our first piece of official furniture. Our first purchase where we cared if we spilled on it, something we took pride in. We bought this couch at a store where we walked in, and the sales reps took one look at us and walked away. Seriously no one would help us. I guess we didn't meet the criterion, and the sales staff figured we were just window shopping. Ben finally yelled out " We have 5 grand in cash, so anyone who helps, will stand to make commission." No lie, this really happened! It was embarrassing, but liberating at the same time. I was thinking, "you go Ben."

We came home with a blue wrap couch with a chaise that we both loved. It was our official mark on society, our passage into adult hood. It is beautiful. We tried out several couches that day. Sat on several couches, pretended to share drinks, put our feet up, picked out fabric and color, and placed our order at Room and Board. This couch ended up being a place that Ben slept sitting up on most nights during his fight with cancer. It was the only place he was comfortable. I see the couch and I see his illness. However that lonely Sunday I lifted up the couch cushions and stumbled upon a journal. It is a journal my mom gave Ben after his diagnosis with cancer. A journal he could use for anything. The cover is all blue with the words "Amazing Grace". Inside the cover Ben wrote "Please Give to Lindsay if Found".

Let's just say I stopped cleaning the couch then. The journal is a day to day record of his fight, of his pain, of his struggle, but it is so special. I will share only the first page.

"Linds-

I love you so much I can't believe this is happening to us, but we're re strong and will get through this.

I can't wait until we can take Bear on walks again, have kids and move into our dream house. I love you so much, and my biggest fear in all this is leaving you alone. You mean the world to me, and I couldn't imagine you with B. And obviously, I couldn't even imagine going into another world without my L!

I love you so much, and because of you, I promise I'm going to fight this with everything I have. I'll never give up, and I hope you continue to fight and sacrifice with me.

I love you so much and I can't even begin to show it, so I'll just stop here. Just know I love you and am doing everything in my power for you."

Days before Ben died, he made me promise that I would continue to do the things that I loved. He made me promise that I would run with Bear, that I would golf, and that I would move on. He was so scared to leave me alone. Ben's mom is a widow....a young widow by many standards. And Ben kept saying, "You are going to be a widow, just like my mom. My sweet Lindsay, why?" I told him I would try...I also told him he was being a jerk (not my proudest moment). I think he knew his mom's pain, and he knew that unfortunately I too was going to suffer a great loss. That I too was going to be a widow, and that I too was going to be alone. He saw what his mom suffered and knew that my fate was the same. He was so sad for both D-Bone and I!

I have relied on D-Bone for so much. She has helped me understand that in time things will be easier, but this is her son...a kid who lost his life way to young. This is hard for everyone....my parents, his parents, my family, his family, our friends.

Ben also left me a 3 minute voice mail as well as a i tunes play list both months and days before he passed. He was so worried about me, and I think he needed to know that I knew that he loved me and will always love me.

Today I took just my engagement ring off. I am not sure that I will keep it off, but it felt right and wrong. I know that I'm not married anymore, and this is my way of saying.....OK I get it! I still have on my wedding ring, but this is a start. And I can always put it back on right?

I went with Big D last Friday to the cemetery. We went to see the headstone. It was there but not placed. Both Big D and I were without words. Many tears were shed. Big D kept saying "Why Us, Why Ben, Why Lindsay", as he picked weeds. I felt so sad. I hate when Big D cries. He is so manly.....I picture him ripping a Deer open with his teeth, so when I see him cry, I cry. So when he is sad, I know that things are really that bad.

I turn 30 next week, and I can't believe that my 30 year milestone is coupled with this great loss. Ben was such a birthday person and this year is the first I am going to be without him in 6 years. I am alone/empty and fear I will be alone forever. I am getting old and fat...right Juancho!