It's Time for the Rain

This past weekend Bear and I hit the skids and headed back to the D for E-Dawg's wedding shower. This is the first shower that I have been to since my own wedding shower. The shower came with many personal challenges, but all things considered I think I did pretty good. I reserved my melt downs and reflection for the ride home. I considered giving perro one on my ativans for the ride since I was inconsolable.....and since Bear was trying desperately to climb out the window of the car. And for those of you who don't know, Bear is very crafty, and yes she would climb out a window without a second thought. I swear if I gave her the keys she would find a way to start and drive the car. Funny Bear story that drives the point home about her driving the car. My mom and I were looking at condos earlier this year. And of course I decided to bring Bear. She waited in the car while we did our rounds. At one condo, my mom and I were inside with Judy, the Realtor. We were all in the kitchen when I head what I thought was Judy's car alarm. Judy looked at me quizzically and said "That's not my car, that's yours." I was totally shocked since I didn't remember my alarm sounding like it did. We all went to the window of the condo and looked out to see Bear sitting in the drivers' seat, like a person, honking the horn. It went something like this....honk...pause...honk honk...pause...long honk. It was like Bear was saying "Come on already mom. Let's get this show on the road." I swear Bear is a person....she is frickin nutz. We were all in tears....that dog of mine....she's one smart cookie.

Back to the shower.....as I was saying, the shower came with some challenges.
Watching Em open her presents brought back so many memories. Ben and I still have many unopened/un-used wedding presents. Of course it was our hope one day to own a home here in Grand Rapids. It was in this home that we had hoped to host dinner parties, our first holiday dinners, and bbq's. It is so sad to think that these parties will never be. I will never host a Thanksgiving dinner with Ben. We will never use our special china, or that perfect serving platter. We will never toast each other using our wedding champagne flutes. We will never open our one bottle of Cristal, which we promised to save for the day we found out that we were having a baby. These days will never come. Ben and I's last holiday dinner was spent together at Hospice...it was Thanksgiving.....two days before Ben passed. He was in a coma. We had turkey on paper plates and Bear said her final goodbye to her papa. It was very stressful and no one wanted to eat. I didn't want to leave Ben's side for a minute.

The funny thing is I really really wanted plain white dishes. B on the other hand wanted blue dishes, so we compromised and ended up getting white dishes with blue flowers from Crate and Barrel....our first marital compromise. I look at these dishes all the time and see B. Every morning during B's illness I woke up and made him breakfast. Most mornings I made french toast with cinnamon and nutmeg, served with powdered sugar and syrup. I also was sure to include fresh fruit, a glass of OJ, a side of cottage cheese, and a entire cocktail of meds. Every morning I woke up 2 hours early so that I could be sure to make Ben a wonderful breakfast. It was made with love, real honest love. Most morning I was so tired from the night before, because most nights Ben was up screaming in pain. Not to mention I had such anxiety about our future, that sleeping was not an option. I have no idea how Ben and I did it, but we did. So every morning I brought B breakfast in bed, served on our wedding china. I thought why not? Why not use the nice stuff on Ben? And some mornings I would make eggs, or pancakes, but Ben's favorite was the french toast. He loved my french toast. French toast was the last thing Ben ate before he died. It was all he talked about. I'll never forget, arriving at Hospice and Ben ordering french toast. It was the first time in weeks that he fed himself. He was alert and talkative, and I thought he was getting better. That day he made DBone promise to treat me like a daughter and not a daughter- in- law. He made DBone promise 3 times, and DBone promised...she has kept that promise. It was so important to Ben to know that I was going to be cared for. He needed to know that I was going to be OK before he left.

It's crazy to think that B and I carried on in utter chaos for 10 months. Each morning following breakfast in bed, I would help to drag B to the side of the bed in an effort to help him stand. The only way I was of any help was to grab his legs, while pulling his hands at the same time in a 90 degree arc. Once I got him to the edge of the bed, I would hold onto one hand while leaning back with my entire body weight, all while B pushed up from the bed with one hand. We did this routine every morning. We would get him in the shower, and while he showered I would pack his work bag, his lunch, his meds, a heating pad, and gum. I would place phone calls to all his dr's....mostly his primary oncologist and his pain dr. Most calls were to report that Ben was in so much pain that he thought he couldn't go on. And most calls ended without resolution. Ben was never pain free. Following each shower, I would help him to apply lotion to get dressed, and to put his shoes on. He was finally ready for work!

Ben called me no less than 6 times every day. He told me that without talking to me, he couldn't do it. He would call to tell me he made it in the car, or made it to school, or made it to class. He called all the time. And during every call I reassured him that he was going to be OK, when I really didn't know if he was. I took every call, and I was so afraid that my boss was going to fire me. But Ben needed me, and I knew that I had to talk to him.

I often times wonder if I should have taken off time to push him to class. He struggled so much. Would life have been easier if I had been there more to help? I guess I will never know. But one thing I know for sure....Ben is feeling much better. He is happy, and handsome, and pain free. He is whole again.

Perma-Grin

Do you remember when you were younger and your parents used to tell you that if you continued to stick your tongue out, your face would get stuck that way? Well I often times wonder if my face is going to freeze with a permanent smile. And it's not a genuine smile, but a face that I put on for every day living. If I walked around with the facial expression reflecting how I really felt, people would be horrified. I have a terrible cry face. I am not one of those people who have a cute or attractive sad face..I'm serious, I look like the joker when I cry....shudder. So there are days when I come home from work and my face literally hurts. I try so hard to keep it together. I smile when I want to cry, laugh when I want to cry, and pretend I am on the mend when my heart is still in pieces. To say I am doing better would be an over-exaggeration. I am still heart broken.

I have never in my life been more disappointed. My new normal is a much quieter normal. You can't explain what life without your husband is like. It's something that no one will understand until they go through it themselves. And trust me, no one wants to feel this way.....this empty, this alone. I watch as everyone goes on with their lives, while I am left behind, left alone.

It's funny, right after Ben passed away the phone rang off the hook. Everyone was so worried, so concerned, so heartbroken for me. But now, 8 months later the phone never rings. It's like the gossip train has pulled out, and everyone assumes that my life is great....back to normal. Well guess what, it's not. It's more lonely now, than it was right after Ben left. I come home from work, eat a dill pickle from the can, workout, and head to bed. Not having someone to share the day with, to discuss work with, to make weekend plans with, to go out to dinner with is miserable. And I have to say, I have my core network. Those friends who call and who check in. And I love them....absolutely love them. I appreciate our dinner dates, and movies nights so much. It gives me time to eat, to talk to humans, to live. However on the nights when I'm alone I find that my mind never turns off.

I often replay the events that happened over the last year. I will never forgot the first day when Ben was seen at OAM....he saw Dr. #1. Dr. #1 called down to my department and asked me to come upstairs. As I walked up I saw Dr. # 1 and several other Ortho Partners reviewing Ben's x-rays. They were all pointing and studying the images. I never thought in a million years that Dr. Jabara would say the word cancer. Obviously he didn't know for sure that Ben had cancer but he had a pretty good idea. Dr. J told me that he covered with Ben all the possibilities that he could be facing, and he told me that Ben looked scared. Dr. J told me that there were many things that could have caused the hip damage, however all I heard was cancer. Dr. J told me to go in and see Ben, and he told me to tell him that I loved him. I believe in my heart that Dr. Jabara knew then that things were really bad for Ben.

Ben just sat there with his head down, swinging his legs like a kid in time out. He was wearing his brown cargo pants, his Texas Longhorns sweatshirt, his "B" belt, and naturally a hat. He looked so scared and I tried not to cry, but I was so shocked. Within one week, we found out that Ben had cancer and in an instant, life changed. Ben went from handsome and healthy, to weak and sick. He went from fun loving and athletic, to worried, depressed and immobile. Life is about moments, life changing moments. It's what you do with those moments that defines you. Ben tried so hard to keep living, to keep moving forward. He was so selfless.

During Ben's final hospitalization we found out again that the cancer had spread...this time it had spread to the spine. Which explains why Ben had such tremendous back pain. I will never forget this day.....MSU was playing IOWA. It ended up being a huge loss....MSU really blew that game....it was a Saturday. Ben's mom had been with us all week and had just left to head back to Detroit for a few days. The oncology PA came in for regular rounds. I casually asked what, if anything showed up on Ben's recent scans. I never in a million years thought that she would report that the cancer had spread. Her face said it all! I felt like I was going to puke. I called DBone and my parents. And Ben kept saying over and over again....I am so sorry Lindsay for causing you so much pain and heartache. I am so worried about you. Here Ben was worried about L, when all he should have been worried about was B. And he had to call Tony. He had to tell Tony that he was so sorry he would not be able to come to his wedding. Ben knew then that he was dying. The fight was over, and here Ben was showing us what it was like to love someone more than yourself.

That day he apologized to both my parents for causing their daughter so much pain. He told them he never wanted to hurt me....it is moments like these that define a person. Ben showed what it was like to be a man, a husband, a partner. It is moments like this that I know love, and that he taught me a lifelong lesson, and for that I'm thankful. I miss Ben so much. I miss his smell, his voice, his touch. I miss my best friend and Bear and Kitty miss their papa. Ben was such a driving force. He pushed me to do things I never thought I could do. We participated in the Great Chicago City Chase. It was like a small scale amazing race in Chicago. The deal was that I would do the race so long as Ben didn't yell at me and so long as I didn't have to eat anything gross. I have a horrible gag reflux and Ben knew that. Ben agreed to the terms and game on. We ended up having a blast, however one challenge required us to match dog pictures with proper names. Depending on how you scored coincided with the amount of dog food you had to eat. As I said Ben promised during gross food challenges he would step up to the plate. Well guess what, Ben couldn't do it. He couldn't eat the dog food. He was dry heaving and carrying on, so I had to step up to the plate, literally. I actually feel queasy typing this. It was horrible but I did it for Team Muttz. Ben was so proud. We finished the challenge and ran to the El. It was on the platform at Division that I got sick. Ben was laughing and cheering me on and I was pissed. I made him promise that from here on out, we would only feed Bear steaks. I am here to tell you that dog food tastes like.....well like shit. The City Chase was so much fun. Ben scaled (and yes this is a pic of B climbing down the tower) the towers at the end of Navy Pier, we swam in our underwear at U of C, we rowed boats in Lincoln Park, we did a strip tease, we rock climbed, and we pushed each other. It was so much fun, and we learned so much about each other during the chase.

I wake up in a panic looking for Ben. I have not forgotten him...as a matter of fact I ordered a lamp for his side of the bed. I guess you could say bad habits die hard. I kept thinking, Ben needs a light to take his meds, or to grab his urinal...Ben needs a light too. The light if perfect. I plan to keep the light on his side of the bed on low, just in case, in case he decides to come home.

30 With A Mid-Life Crisis

It would be fair to say that I never expected that I would turn 30 and be a widow. A widow....boy that sounds so strange every time I say it. 30 and alone. 30 and rebuilding. 30 and lost. I went to Chicago this past week to ring in my birthday with some of my most loving family and friends. I went back and forth wondering whether or not I wanted to spend my birthday alone or with friends, and my decision to be with family and friends was the right choice.

Chicago was so bittersweet. Everywhere I turned I saw B. He was ever present, it was palpable. He was really there. I have such strong memories of us together there. It was Chicago where we fell in love, where we played co-ed softball, where B played football, where we did the great City Chase, where we had a life. It was there I see B....B without disease. Chicago is my life, our life. B and I lived Chicago to the fullest. We took every opportunity the City had to offer. We went to at least 4 Cubs games every season, tailgated to Evanston for the MSU football games, went to watch MSU basketball, went to the Hawks games, played beach volley ball, played indoor volleyball, golfed, golfed, golfed, golfed. We made friends, we went out to dinner, we went to the dog beach, we did EVERYTHING.

My dad and mom said their memories of Ben are those from Chicago. Gosh every time my parents came to town we did something fun. We all tailgated to Evanston for the MSU/Northwestern football game. It was amazing because MSU came back from the biggest deficient of all time to win the game. We took the El. My dad loved the El. He loves talking to people, and what better place than the El. The El is the best place for socialization and for people watching. My dad and Ben almost got in a fight with the most obnoxious Northwestern fan in history. I am actually shocked that fists weren't thrown...shocked. And then we took Don and Nanc to a Cubs game. A New York Yankees fan was a bit intoxicated and hit on a married women. This obviously did not fair well with the hubby who was a Cubs fan, and an actual fight broke out right next to us. My dad was holding onto the New York fan so that he would fall over the railing to his death. It was so scary, and get this....the New York fan told my dad to let him go...it went something like this "let me go you old f-ing fart", and Big D laughed. We were so busy, so involved in the buzz of the City. Chicago has left me so lost.

I really feel like I am having an identity crisis. I feel like I'm living the life of a stranger. I was married, and owned a condo a Chicago, and had a loving husband who wanted to start a family, and in an instant I lost every thing. I look in the mirror and hardly recognize the person looking back at me. Chicago made me realize how lonely/empty I really am in Grand Rapids.

I spend so many nights alone here. And I know that I would be less lonely if B where here, but being here in GR and single is really really hard. I miss going out to dinner, or doing the adventurous things that we used to do together. I mean I had to beg and beg to get someone to golf with me. Not to mention this is my first year not playing softball in years. I guess I just didn't realize how hard it was going to be being single again. Being single is hard, being is widow is harder. I am just so lost.....so so so lost.

I just have to believe that Ben is working hard to make this right for me. He is going to lead me where I need to go. He is helping me, even though he's not here. So for me, 30 is not all it's cracked up to be. I guess thing can only get better, right?

The Final Gift

It is amazing to me how fast time flies. It feels like just a short time ago I was celebrating my birthday with B. Just like last year, this year too is very difficult.....way more difficult actually since B isn't here. Last year B was so sick, and I'm not sure we left the basement. He got me my Nook because I love to read so much, and it is something I will cherish forever. It is the last gift he gave me, well that's not entirely true.

We both loved celebrating our birthdays. B's is October 11th, right around Halloween which was his favorite holiday, and mine is July 5th, just one day after the 4th....obviously. We always went out for Halloween. And we always dressed up, but here's the kicker, B always made me be something ridiculous. B and I went to the annual Halloween Party at Park West with Dana, B's amazing cousin. It was a great time and there were so many people there....thousands. However, most of the ladies were dressed in rather provocative outfits, except (and when I say except, I mean it) me. B convinced me that it would be funny if we went out as Stephi Graph and Andre Agassi 1980's circuit. We went as far as getting a gigantic prosthetic nose for my outfit. As I said before, there were thousands of people at this party, and one man actually stopped me to tell me that I was the single ugliest woman at the party. I about died. Talk about felling like shit. So I tell B, and he laughs. This was not funny. I mean come on, there are 500 hundred other women there, and all the men there think I am the ugliest. And we weren't engaged then, so to think that no one thought I was cute, except Ben....I was pissed!

So the following year, we go to the same party as Pam Anderson and Kid Rock. I have on a pretty modest outfit, for Pam. I wore tight jeans and a tee shirt that I rolled up a bit....just above the belly button. I did however stuff the crap out of my bra, naturally. So B and I head again to Park West. We take the El, and walk 5 blocks to Dana's. This time however mothers were yelling at me, telling me I should be ashamed of myself. Again I wanted to put my head in the sand. However this time B, was there to rescue me. He turned around and yelled back, "your just jealous you don't look this good, mind your own business". I was mortified and proud, and to be honest my costume was not that provocative. There were much worse. We also went out as Kelly and Zack from Saved By the Bell, and Mario and Luigi. We had so much fun. So this year, I go out again as a single person, let's not go there.

Now back to my birthday. My birthday was always surrounded by a long holiday weekends. We almost always were with our friends, camping, drinking, celebrating. Ben's favorite saying was that he ordered the fireworks special for my birthday....he loved saying that. So this year to be alone feels so empty. I actually had no plans until about a week ago, when Dana suggested I come to Chicago. It sounded like a great plan to me since there was nothing else to do. And I don't want it to come off like I am only going as a last resort, because that's not true.

And this year I turn 30, and what do I have to show for it. I feel so sad. All my friends have families, and homes, and children, and I have a dog, a headstone for my husband, and a grave plot next to him. However I have a great dog at that. I think I might invent a doggie bjorn to carry Bear around in. Without Bear, I'm nothing. Seriously Bear is more than a dog to me, she is my family. And I know if B was here, he would have thrown me a party with chocolate chip cookie cakes. And no I don't like chocolate chip cookie cakes, he did. I will never forget 2 birthdays ago. We were still living in Chicago and for a month straight every time B went to the store he would come home with a cookie cake. He said we were celebrating my birthday all month. So it is fair to assume that B ate at least 4 cookies cakes in the month of July....what a clown.

Both B and I's last 2 birthdays sucked. Last year I remember closing my eyes so tight when I blew out the candles on my cake, and wishing for a miracle. I was wishing that God would take mercy on B, that he would grant me my only b-day wish. Again this year I am going to close my eyes tights, and wish for B. I will take seeing him in a dream, or a sign from him, since I know that this nightmare is real and that wishing is not going to change things for me...for B.

B's final gift to me was not the nook. B's final gift to me was telling me he loved me. B hadn't talked in days. We were at hospice and his time on earth was coming to an end. I was laying in bed with him, watching Knocked Up, we were all alone. I was looking at every feature so as to not forget. I was trying to remember every freckle, every scar, every color of his beard, his lips, his nose, everything. I was holding his hand, and I told him that I loved him, and that he didn't need to be scared, even thought I was so scared. I told him I would be OK, and he whispered "I love You". I was so shocked that I actually punched him in the arm and asked him to say it again. He didn't because I think it took him everything to say those final words. Those are the last words he ever said. This was his final gift to me. So thank you Benjamin Ross Mutnick, for my wonderful gift, it is beautiful.