My Dance Partner

"I miss those blue eyes How you kissed me at night I miss the way we sleep Like there's no sunrise Like the taste of your smile I miss the way we breathe"

Colbie Caillat

Do you remember how much we loved to dance? Gosh if I think of one thing B and loved more than golf, I would have to say it was dancing. B was a grown man who loved nothing more than shaking it on the dance floor. I knew I loved him when he invited me to Barristers Ball aka Law School Prom and he whipped me around like we were a team on So You Think You Can Dance.

Funny enough the night started out a bit strange to say the least. You see, B and I showed up super late and quite intoxicated with a group of friends, leaving only a few open seats. The Dean was already talking and we were reprimanded immediately by the other teachers, or chaperons as we called them. We were pointed to the only open seats, which happened to be right next to (you'll never guess) my ex....ha! B, was so calm and collect he could have cared less, however Ryan was less than pleased....what can you do? What made matters worse, is that Ryan always thought Ben and I had something going on, but we didn't. Little was I to know that I would date and marry B. I guess Ryan was onto something, and so was Jill, a girl in B and I's major. She told me that B and I would date and that we would get married, she was sure of it...boy was it that obvious to everyone else?

Back to Barristers and dancing....the night ended with B whipping me around like a rag doll, and with Fielder strongly recommended that B refrain from picking me up anymore, since he dropped me at least 3 times. I don't know if she was protecting B, or I, or both, but I do remember laying on the dance floor, thinking, we make a great dance team.

And then Fox came out with the show So You Think You Can Dance. Let me start off my saying we didn't watch this show, however once while we were flipping though channels, we stopped to watch a hip hop routine. B was convinced that we could dance like professionals. So convinced that he suggested that I run and jump into his arms for a lift...a lift he was sure we could handle. This was only after much protest from me to B, that we weren't professional dancers, and that I thought someone was going to get hurt. Well my instincts were right, and B dropped me, and hard. I was laughing, and crying at the same time....and he, naturally was laughing. I thought I broke my ankle...it was swollen and blue, and Ben told me that I messed the move up.....yeah right, you stupid ass, you dropped me!

B was also known for his famous chair dance, which was captured on tape at Rick and Julia's wedding. This dance was so good you would have thought he practiced it. He pulled a chair onto he dance floor, and whipped out moves you could only dream of. Everyone was cheering, and screaming, and he loved it. And then following that, he grabbed me, dipped me, twirled me, lifted me off the ground, and took a bow. That too was captured on tape...something I have to cherish forever.

I too love dancing. I have 5 weddings this years, and I wonder, if I will dance? Will anyone ask me? Or am I marked with a big W for widow, much like Hester from the Scarlett Letter. Am I now going to be one of those girls that stands on the side, while everyone slow dances with their loved ones? How have I become a spectator of something I love so much?

Dancing always made us smile. Sometime last summer, B was having a very bad pain day. He was trapped in the house, in the basement. I will never forget B sitting there, a prisoner of his own home and body. There was nothing that could cheer him up, and then it dawned on me. I told him to put on the 80's music channel on the TV, and I busted a serious move for well over 30 minutes with the dog. Bear was barking and biting me, but I just kept dancing, and Ben laughed and laughed. I rolled up one pant leg, put on a hat, and danced our worries away. B was laughing so hard he was crying. I'll never forget that day.....he took pictures of me on his cell phone.

B even went to a wedding last summer and danced. It was unbearable to see him dancing with his cane, but he did it for me. He looked like a cancer patient then....no hair, skinny, fair skinned...so unlike himself, and yet there he was dancing, smiling. This was the last time we danced together. He held me tight....like he knew that it was going to be our last dance...so sad. And then of course there's the Hora...the best wedding dance ever!

People always offer their condolences and I don't know what to say, so I say things like "Oh it's OK". What the hell is that? It's like verbal diarrhea. It's not OK. Not even close. Last week I said that exact line to someone, and then made things very awkward, by saying "You know what, It's not OK. It actually sucks. Watching your husband die is horrible. " You want to talk about uncomfortable. I just stopped there, and walked away. My Word!

And then of course, there's the headstone. B's headstone is in. It actually made me sick to hear that today. Why is it that my mother-in-law and I are picking out headstones? Shouldn't we be talking about baby names, or my 30th b-day, or our vacations with our kids. Nope we are talking about headstones.....enough said. You win some you lose some right?