The Good 'Ol Days

Dearest Ben,

I feel so stalled out. It is almost hard to explain. Never in my life have I been this tired. I guess I could attribute this to depression and lack of sleep. It is so hard at night to settle down. It is not that I try to forget you, because I don't, but the only way to get through the day is to act like my life is the same as it always was. However the minute I let my mind relax and actually think about my profound loss do I feel like I'm in a free fall. Every time I realize that you are gone, that you are dead, feels like the first time all over again. Every time I say out loud "Ben is gone" I bend over, and find that I am short of breath. My heart rate immediately skyrockets, and I burst into tears. This is something that happens every single time I tell myself you are gone.

I guess you could say that I feel the same as a 5 year old kid feels the night they learn they are going to Disney. It is the adrenale that keeps them awake, and it is the negative adrealanie that keeps me awake. I literally lie in bed and stare at the ceiling, hoping that I fall asleep in time to get some sleep before work. I wake up in a haze, with absolutely no concept of day or time. Most mornings, I turn off the alarm thinking it's Saturday. Why would I do that? I used to be a morning person, but each day it becomes harder and harder to pull myself out from under the covers....damn it! I am frickin ashamed! I don't know if its the antipication of what lurks around the corner....ie my 30th b-day or our anniversary, but I have been super emotional. I have felt your loss so much.

Someone I just met the other night asked me if I was really ready to get married when I did. He asked me how I knew if you were the one? I thought long and hard before I answered this question. What he helped me realize was that you were the one. You were the best I could ever do. You were so damn good looking...seriously, not to mention smart, athletic, funny, competitive, and a lawyer. I really don't think I could have done much better. Girls loved you! All of them, and you picked me. Little old Linds....how did I get so lucky? You must have been drunk when you bought the ring....just kidding B. I can hear you say...."Lindsay you don't give yourself enough credit....do you actually think I would marry an ugly biotch? Haha not a chance L!" You made me feel special and pretty. You told me every day that I was pretty....a pretty pie to be exact.

The Kisses and I spend many nights reminiscing about you, about us, about our vacations together. Lets not forget the first ever Law School Camping trip. You were so proud of the tent that you purchased on your West Law Credits. This tent is a legend, and for all the wrong reasons. So our group of 15 started a camping tradition. And for all of you who know me, camping is not my thing, unless it's at a hotel with a breakfast brunch. But relationships are about adventure and compromise so I land myself in Indiana with a bunch of attorneys for an outdoor Tom Petty concert.


It ended up being one of the best weekends we all had together. The tent Ben purchased was ridiculous in size. Let's just say that strangers thought that our tent was for dogs...it was so small. I still don't know how we slept in it. Ben and I had to sleep on an angle in a fetal position, so uncomfortable, but so cozy. And at one point we had 4 people in this tent....think of a clown car, and all the people unloading and you are left wondering how.....this was our tent! How in the hell we fit 4 is still mind boggling. And then of course there was the Gold Bond incident...John and Molly you know what I'm talking about. Followed up by an awesome live concert with some of our best friends. The night ended with the DNR telling us to turn the music down, and for the ladies to stop peeing in the woods. What I would like to know is, was that DNR officer watching us pee in the woods the entire night? Oh well....guess he enjoyed the show.

I'll never forget stopping at the Butt Hut either. I was convinced it was a strip club, and Ben played along. However it was a tobacco shop, phew what a relief. We stopped there for a few pops and cigs for a the few in the group who smoked pre-ben caner diagnosis. I was so upset I stayed in the car and almost cried, only to realize I was totally off the mark. Ben laughed his ass off.....
I am so gullible!

Ben also showed up to the concert rocking a Mohawk. A "Jewhawk" as he dubbed it. He decided the summer before the bar that he was going to cut himself a Mohawk. I thought he was having a mid-bar crisis, and that this was just a ridiculous passing conversation. Little did I know that he was actually going to get a Mohawk. He argued, like a good lawyer, that this was the only time in his whole life that he would be able to have a Mowhawk and I would have to embrace this new look. I was pissed!!!! But Ben, of course, pulled the look off. It was one hell of a "Jewhawk".

Ben was always full of surprises. He pushed me to be a better person. He made me more confident, and more assertive. I feel I have lost some of this confidence in his absence. I feel I have so much more to live up to now that he is gone. I just signed up to run the GR marathon. I owe this to Ben and I, and when I'm ready, I'll share the story behind this decision.

For now, just know that I think about you always,

Forever yours,
LMuttz