"Beeing" Strong, "Beeing" Brave, "Beeing" Honest

To say that I hate November is not being honest. I more than hate November. For many reasons, the past few weeks have been extremely hard. I guess for me, I have not been true to myself, or others about my feelings. Actually some of my closest friends know of my struggles, but for the most part, I have become really good at disguising my emotions.

So rewind to Halloween......Halloween 2011 was so different. It was the first year in 6 that I didn't have Ben by my side. Ben loved Halloween. As a matter of fact, I received several texts from my friends this weekend mentioning how much they were thinking about Ben and I during Halloween. Right from the start of our relationship Ben made Halloween a true event. We did it up right! We always went as a couple...Mario and Luigi, Kelly and Zack, Stephi Graph and Andre Agassi 1980's circuit, Pam Anderson and Kid Rock, Golfers, and then of course nothing last year since he was hospitalized. This was the first year that I was faced to dress up as a single individual. Ben was the creative one so I felt lost. I ended up being a bee. Let's "bee" honest, it was not my best effort. I bought a prepackaged costume from Halloween USA. It was super cute, but to not go to Goodwill or to work for endless hours crafting an original outfit felt odd. I cried the entire weekend, but pulled myself together just in time to go out for a bit with some of my newest friends. I ended up having a great time, and the Queen Bee, ended up finding 6 male worker bees at the BOB, and one worker bee was pretty cute.....wink wink. I owe it to Carrie for taking me under her wing, and showing me what it's like to live again.

Last year, Ben wanted nothing more than to be home in time to hand out candy to the neighborhood trick or treaters. l told him that he should make it his goal to be well enough to be home by then. I'm a fool right? He made me buy pumpkins with the hope that we would carve them the night before Halloween. The pumpkins ended up being the ultimate symbol. I purchased them at the Schwallier's Country Basket. This was a trip that I went on alone with the entire Homrich family. Ben didn't come because he wasn't feeling well. Little did we know that he was really sick, and only one month away from dying. I had a really stressful day at the farm, because all I could think about was Ben, sitting alone in our basement having a pain attack with me 30 minutes away. It was more than I could handle. And then of course we got lost in the corn maze and I started to cry because I had been gone to long from Ben already and I needed to get home.

The pumpkins remained untouched, uncarved. They sat by the back door of our Alger home until March, frozen solid. The pumpkins represented everything in my life at that time. I too was frozen in time, with a hallow heart, hoping to go unnoticed just as the pumpkins did for nearly six months. I am still confused on what really happened...I mean did Ben really pass away? I have been on a recent kick of watching scary movies. People think I am nuts for watching them alone. But truth be told, nothing can be scarier than watching your husband slip away. At night, I hear my own screams, I see my mother-in-law running around the hospice room, I see Ben in his bed....I see it all. A personal horror movie that plays over and over and over again. The Grudge has nothing on this. I can't make this reel stop from playing.

Recently I have been blessed with the ability to let people in and out of my life without much effect. I look at things objectively and consider each person's purpose. I guess without Ben's illness I would have never met so many great, and honest people. I have learned through this struggle who my true friends are, and who really cares about me. I have found friends down many different paths. I am social, always have been, always will be. Nanc says I started talking at two, full sentences, and never stopped. I love watching my friendships blossom, and am so thankful that so many kind people have let me into their lives. I know that I have baggage, but it's not something I choose for myself. This is the card I have been dealt, so take it or leave it. And if you can't handle it, get the hell out. I just keep moving...doing what I can, with what I have. The next few weeks present difficult challenges. Ben's best friend in the entire world is getting married. Ben was so upset that he was going to miss TPlan's wedding, and then of course Thanksgiving, and then the anniversary of his death....marking ONE YEAR. One whole, freaking year......wow. Unbelievable how much life changes in a year, in a month, in a day, in a second, in a breath. Ben said it best, "Do what you can, while you can, because you never know when you won't be able to the do the things you love."