Sunday, December 18, 2011
Gosh it feels like months since I last posted. I guess you could say I have been busy. I recently spoke with TPlan and he said something that really left a lasting impact. We were talking about Ben and where I was in my journey. I told TPlan that I was doing better, more good days, than bad, but none the less still heartbroken. I told him that I am trying my best to do what I can for Ben....and TPlan said, "at some point you need to stop living for Ben and start living for you. Ben needs you to go on, he needs you to live." Wow, TPlan is right....I need to do what I need to do for me, and I have really really embraced this.
December has been a busy month. I spent the first weekend of December attending 3 holiday parties in one day. And two were Ugly Christmas Sweater flip cup parties. Unfortunately both parties were planned to include the State game....need I say more. Gosh, watching that game, was like a dagger to the heart. I still can't talk about that game....why do I care so much about MSU? Well maybe it's because so much of who I am is MSU....I did all my growing up at MSU. The parties were a hit, and the best part of my night was tackling Phil at Gail's house. I should come with a waver, disclosing my uncontrolled tendencies to jump/tackle men at parties. I guess I don't know why I do it, but I love doing it....so much fun. I think for me, it amounts to me being able to say you just got taken down by a hamster, a little girl with no strength, just schooled your ass....ha!
Then lets not forget the long runs with the boardwalk crew, and our weekly whirlpool Wednesdays. I, without a doubt, have been living, living life. I can say for sure, that when I smile now, it's a real smile. I am finding Joy again. It's crazy to think about all the people I have meet on my journey. People who are battling cancer, people who cared for Ben, people from the building, old friends, new friends, Chicago friends, college friends, law school friends, and I love them all. The thing about me, is that you get what you get. I am Lindsay...take it or leave it. And when I love you, I love you. I could not have done this without my friends. My friends saved my life...so thank you guys.
And this past week, I went to the Wizard of OZ with Ms. G, hosted a serious holiday party, stayed out late, laughed my ass off, danced my ass off, relaxed, and ran a road race. I am taking full advantage of every opportunity. And in my heart, I know that I will one day find love again. I am a hopeless romantic, and one guy will be stupid enough to take the bait. I am not meant to be alone forever....it's just not possible. The Wizard of OZ was great. It was so suiting since the most selfless gift I ever received from Ben was tickets to Wicked. I wanted to see Wicked so bad, I would have made a trade with the devil. And Ben kept saying, no stop asking. Well this was all to throw me off the scent. I was so stunned that he actually got me tickets for Christmas I cried. To think that he was going to do something with me that didn't involve sports, or fantasy football was amazing. He really did it for me. So during the Wizard of OZ, I kept thinking about Ben. Ben was laughing while I sang my butt off, and smiled. Michele and I had a great time. And the night would not have been complete without a funny Lindsay moment. I convinced Michele to take off her shoes and walk barefoot. Her feet were killing her, and why not walk around GR without shoes in the middle of December? Why would anyone listen to my advice? I make terrible decisions, but she did, and we ended up laughing so hard, we were close to tears.
Then Friday brought the Holiday Party. Carrie and I stayed home, did some baking, some cooking, and some drinking, and by 7 we were ready to get the party started. I had friends over from all walks of life. I was honored to have them over. I kept looking around, and thinking about how lucky I was. I mean, why am I so lucky to have so many great friends? Again the night was filled with so much laughing, that my abs actually hurt. From the spittoon, to the hopper, to the dance floor....funny moments galore. I am already excited about our next girls night out!!!!
And today Bear and I ran the Whoville race with Carrie, and Erin. It was a short 5K, but it was so much fun. I can honestly say, I am living. I am doing it! I know Ben is happy. He would want this. It still is crazy to think he is gone. It is crazy to think about everything I did, he did, in our first ear of marriage. I still think about him everyday, but I know he is watching. He is smiling, smiling big. So it is my hope that he has a wonderful Christmas, and that I am able to get through the Holidays...the holidays are hard. But, I am strong dammit, and I will prevail.