
The Holidays are such a hard time of year. I dubbed Ben, Tim the Tool Man of Christmas. Oh my goodness do I have some funny holiday stories. I don't know a Jewish man who loved Christmas, and Christmas lights more than Benjamin Ross Mutnick. He counted down the days each year until he could dust off the "Christmas Box", and deck the halls. As a matter of fact, I think part of the reason he asked me to marry him was so that he could finally be a part of the entire holiday experience...i.e. presents and stocking stuffers.
The first year we owned our condo in Chicago, I received a call from Ben telling me to hurry home, he had a surprise....a surprise? Like a ring? Like an engagement ring? I drove my 4 door Protege home, like Tony Stewart at the Indy 500. I kept thinking....it's really happening, I'm getting engaged. I pulled into our parking sp
That same year, we hosted our annual law school gang Holiday party. Everyone came, and everyone stayed. We own a small 2 bedroom condo in the City. It was a tight fit, and there were bodies everywhere, but we packed it in. The night featured Amber's legendary punch, a


Our first year in Michigan, as a married couple, Ben again was determined to outfit our rental home with Christmas cheers. I felt like I was part of the Christmas vacation movie. We made a trip to Home Depot where I gave Ben, or tried to give Ben, the 411 on Christmas tree purchasing. I tried to explain that it was CRITICAL that the stump of the tree was flat. I told B

And most years we decorated cookies, and lit candles for Hanukkah. Ben didn't miss a beat....not when it came to the Holidays. I decided this year to again forgo decorating. I figure, why go to all that trouble for me...well Bear and I. It takes way too much time to take all that stuff out, just to turn around and put it all back. Maybe I am scrooge, or maybe it is my way of repressing some of the happiest and now saddest times of my life. I'll never forget how happy Ben was to see all the presents under our tree, or to fill my stocking with gifts. I'll never forget him saying to me how magical Santa really was, and how proud he was to be an uncle and to share in the magic behind Santa.
It's wild to think that this time last year I was walking behind Ben's casket. I had already lost him, and was now burying him. It was best friends 30th birthday....what a birthday present right? I was out with the guys having a makers mark on the rocks, taking shots at a local bar following the funeral. We were watching State...it was a cloud.....and out of no where Yellow Led Bedder started playing....our wedding song. I burst into tears. And then tonight I was at the salon getting my nails done and they were serving whisky....so fitting right? I had a glass and felt like crying. A glass of whisky in your honor. Monday was the year anniversary of your death. I tried hard to celebrate Ben's life instead of dwelling on his death. I tried to remember the great times. Stories have been flowing all week about Ben.... some funny and some sad. People keep saying that I seem to be better, but what most people don't know is that I am still really sad, however I have gotten great at hiding how I feel, how I really feel. Going to the cemetery is still hard and still heartbreaking. I mean Ben has a headstone, a real f-ing headstone. I went on Monday to honor him/visit him. Let's just cut out the bullshit....it sucked. Bear kept looking around for her papa. It's like she knew he was there....she had a moment with him, I'm sure of that. I still feel like he is gone on vacation somewhere where he can't take a call and that he might, might come home...but deep down, in that place, I don't like to go, I know that he is gone and is not coming back. I have accepted that his journey was one that had to end here on Earth, even though that decision has caused me endless heartache......and much weight loss. I'm here to tell you, there is nothing better than the grief diet. I hope this past year for Ben has been one filled with fun and peace.....I think of you everyday buddy.
Linz:
ReplyDeleteBen loved the holidays. Ben loved to celebrate that is for sure. He loved Hanukkah as well as his new found holiday, Christmas. I will always have the memory of Christmas at you and Ben's house and our Christmas Mass at IHM. All of you kids were in the very front row and dad and I in the back. We could see all of you smiling as you passed the babies up and down the row to try to keep them quiet. At that mass I remember the Priest saying how Christ was there in the messiness of our lives. That really stuck with me. But what also stuck with me was Ben's and your acceptance of each other. All of it. Your families and your religions. Ben's best memory for me was him keeping Hanukkah and the Jewish Holidays in his life as well as welcoming Christmas and the Catholic Faith. No other adult ever loved the Advent Calendar more than Ben. Thanks for trying Linz. Thanks for coming to parties and giving to others. You have helped so many people this year despite all of your own challenges. Thanks for being a beautiful, strong, giving young woman.
Love
Mom
Hi Lindsay,
ReplyDeleteJust catching up on your blog. What a journey it has been! Please know that you are still prayed for and thought of often.
Wishing you joy, which you so richly deserve!
Lots of love,
Elaine Bertram
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