I Am Always With You

Hey Buddy,

It's been a long time since I wrote to you. Much of my most recent writing has been about my personal achievements following life after you. I really haven't taken much time to reflect on the recent events in my life. Time continues to go on, and yet you still haven't returned. As you know, two weeks ago we had your unveiling. I am sure you would have had much objection to a tradition Jewish unveiling. Just the thought of everyone making a fuss over you, would have resorted in an undeniable no. Yet you were not here to object, and so we moved forward with the services.

It was exactly as I expected it to be....emotional, heartbreaking, devastating. There is no way to explain to someone what it feels like to look down, and see your husbands name carved out in stone, in a cemetery. Your name, followed by loving husband, son, brother, grandson, and nephew. Ben you were so much more than that, but we ran out of room on the stone. You were an athlete, handsome, intelligent, funny, kind, determined, a best friend, reliable, etc. It is sad to me that all you amount to to strangers is what is carved on a stone in the cemetery. I am sure that people walk around the cemetery, and come upon your stone and say "Wow, he was just a kid, 29 years old. What a shame. How sad." I mean shit, I do the same thing, however the difference is, I know you. All your neighbors at the cemetery in GR are old as hell. And there you rest, robbed. A life lost far too soon...wasted.

I will never forget the sadness that loomed at Clover Hills, or the way your mom rested her head on your headstone and wept. Your poor mom. A parent should never have to go through this. All I kept thinking was "Ben you idiot. How did you let this happen." I know that this was not a choice you made, but even in the after life, I can still get mad at you. How disappointing. I have to say that people have continued to surprise me in both good and bad ways. I got support in so many unexpected places...thank God for the unexpected surprises.

It was at the cemetery that I felt you. Ralph read a poem, and I swear it was you talking to me and the family. The poem was titled I Am Always With You. It brought me to my knees.

When I am gone, release me, let me go.
I have so many things to see and do,
You mustn't tie yourself to me with too many tears,
But be thankful we had so many good years.
I gave you my love, and you can only guess
How much you've given me in happiness.
I thank you for the love that you have shown,
But now it is time I traveled on alone.
So grieve for me a while, if grieve you must
Then let your grief be comforted by trust
That it is only for a while that we must part,
So treasure the memories within your heart.
I won't be far away for life goes on.
And if you need me, call and I will come.
Though you can't see or touch me, I will be near
And if you listen with your heart, you'll hear
All my love around you soft and clear
And then, when you come this way alone,
I'll greet you with a smile and a "Welcome Home".

Still even 10 months later, when I stop and think about the fact that you are really gone, I feel like I could puke. It makes my heart race and brings tears from the underbelly. Today I watched Megs and Mike's wedding video. There you were, alive, healthy, and in love. I hardly know your touch anymore. All I have left is the images that remain on the video. The way you held my hand, or put your arm around me. I look at that video, and I feel like I hardly know you. It is like looking at a stranger. And of course on the video you are giving martial advice, of all things. You said something like "The night is young, and it could end good or bad. I am going to leave it opened ended." That is so Ben......such a dork.

Well I miss you bud. Sorry we don't get to spend your 30th together and sorry that you are going to miss Tony's wedding. I know you will be there, but not in human form...it's just not the same.

Thinking of you always,
Linds

P.S. The Tigers are in the playoffs. I can't believe it!!!!