49503

As I mentioned in my last blog, I am moving. The date in which I take up residence at the boardwalk is quickly approaching. The past few weeks have been filled with a rainbow of emotions. I guess I underestimated how hard it was going to be to pack up Ben's things. I have been working diligently to get his things in order. Putting his clothes in large see through tubs, knowing full well that someone I loved used to wear those clothes, has been hell. And then to see my dad schelp them up the stairs and place them into the back of the truck just makes everything that much harder. And then to further the pain, watching Big D unpack the tubs from the truck, and put them into the basement at their home is sickening. I think Jr. said it best...."Ben has a ton of shit". That is so true. That man had more clothes then me. And the thing of it is, I know the history or every piece of clothing. I can pretty much pin point, where he got every shirt, when he wore it last, and how it ranked in his list of favorite things to wear. Even taking the picture down from the walls has been a challenge. There are picture in our home that are clearly Ben's and clearly Lindsay's. I have begun to pack up his pictures. They too have been put into tubs. I look at every picture, remember the story behind them, feel the emotion, and continue on with the packing process. I find that I can't plan to pack his things. It is an impulse decision. It is something that I decide to do at the last minute. It is the only way I can do this.

What I have begun to realize is that his clothes are just that, clothes. They are not Ben any more. Ben's memories are not in a pair of shoes that he used to wear in 2007, his memories are in my heart. I realized that I don't have to hold onto everything. And I don't have to bring everything of his to my new condo. The condo is the first major step in my healing process. It is a place where I can nest, where I can start over. I fully intend to bring things that represent us....things that I need to have to feel at home, but to bring everything of Ben's would defeat the process. I also recently had a memory quilt made, actually two....one for me and one for D-Bone. The quilts are beautiful, if such a thing can be beautiful....no they are beautiful. They were made out of Ben's tee shirts. Something he loved to wear more then anything else. When I see the quilt I see Ben....I feel him. This too was a huge step for me. The thought of someone cutting up his clothes made me sick, and there were times when I thought I couldn't let go, but I can, I did, and I am so proud of myself.

I am counting down the days until I can get out of the house of horrors. So many people are so happy for me. Everyone keeps telling me that I made a great decision and that life in a new home will feel so much better. As I have always said...Raymond is a bad home. It holds every sad/bad memory. Why would I want to stay here and torture myself any longer? I can't wait to have the ladies over for wine and cheese, or to grill out on the roof top deck. I can't wait to show my friends my new digs. I can't wait to see what the future holds. For the first time in a long time, I am smiling again. A little bit of the old Lindsay is shining through. The old Lindsay went into hibernation, and she is slowly creeping out. So as of Sept 1st, I will be holding residence in a new zip code....49503!!!!

I have a busy September...a bachlorette party, wine tasting in TC, the official move weekend, and in a blink it will be October. The days might be slow, but the months fly by. I realized that I have two choices....get on living, or to get on dying. I choose to live. I choose to give myself a chance at happiness. Because as much as I wanted to die initially, I realized that it was not in the cards. That I was stuck here, so why not make the best of it. I am still super sad over my loss. I still think of Ben every day. I think of the life lessons he taught me. I think of how he made me a stronger woman, and a great wife. He made me realize I can do anything.....anything. Saying goodbye to Ben was the hardest thing I had to do in my life...the hardest thing we both had to do. But I made a promise to Ben that I would keep on keeping on. It was a promise I had to make to him so that he could let go. He needed to hear that I was going to be OK, and that I loved him. And after hearing me say it out loud, he let go. It was only after he knew in his heart that I was going to be OK, did he breathe his last breath. He made peace with me, with life on earth. I image him in heaven, partying with Michael Jackson, sharing stories about his crazy wife. I image him pointing to me from above the clouds...saying "you see that pretty girl right there, that's Lindsay. Isn't she great?" There was never a day that went by that he didn't tell me how pretty I was or how much he loved me.

So as I said before, I live on and I am giving myself the biggest chance at happiness. I know happiness is right around the corner and I'm excited!