A Time For Change

Ben and I's anniversary was the single hardest day I have had since the day he passed...November of last year. For me, our anniversary was a day that only he and I shared. Sure, it was a day surrounded by loving family and friends, however it was a day that we pledged to be together. I am just now beginning to accept the fact that Ben is not coming back. And, to honor, Ben I am trying to put my life back together piece by piece.

This is obviously an evolving process and for the first time in 8 months, I decided that I am ready to move....really ready to move. An unexpected friend, Laura, came into my life, and gave me the push I needed. I have only known Laura for a few months, but she has given so much to me. She knows what I need. It is so strange to have such a connection with someone who has only known you for 3 months. I am blessed to have her. Laura worked hard last week getting me information about available condos in downtown GR. She thought it best for me to be around other people, to be in a place that was smaller, and to be in a place that required less yard work....something Big D will truly appreciate. So on Friday I went to check out a condo, and I signed a lease. It was so liberating. The thought of getting out of a house that holds so many bad memories....can I get a hell yes!!!!! To finally be able to give this house a huge middle finger wave makes me smile. I am so proud of myself and so excited. Bear, Gato, and I are moving to the City! Downtown Grand Rapids has no idea what is in store for them. I guess I am going to have to retire my silk nightgown, dog walking outfit for another time. That is not the image I want to give off to the new neighbors...or maybe it is.......hahahaha.

I am giving myself a chance to live, a chance to be happy again, a chance to move forward. After all Ben would want me to be happy, and he too would want me out of this house. Raymond is not Ben and I. Raymond is cancer, Raymond is sadness, Raymond is holding me back. So on Saturday when I found out I got the condo I called everyone. I was golfing, talking on my cell phone, and screaming about how happy I was. D Res hung up the phone on me twice by accident of course, because she too was that excited for me. Everyone's reaction confirms to me that I am making a great decision. I knew what I had to do, it was just time to step up to the plate and do it.

This will be the first move without Ben. To say I hate moving is an understatement. Does anyone else find moving stressful? I can't think of a single day when Ben would yell at me more, then moving day. I hated moving day. And Ben's cousin Brad would always get roped into moving us. So when Ben and I first moved to Chicago, it was super hot....95 and humid. We packed the entire truck ourselves. We lost the cat in GR, but Jr. found her in the closet in GR a week later. Can't say I didn't try to get rid of the cat, a cat that I am super allergic to mind you. So we get to Chicago and we start unpacking the truck. Ben spends about 10 minutes trying to convenience me that he and I can carry his gigantic rear projection TV up 3 flights of stairs. This thing was not only huge, but super awkward. There was no way in hell that I was carrying that TV. I was not going to be the one who dropped the TV, or worse yet, was killed in Chicago my first day, when my boyfriend dropped a TV on me.....not happening. And he was so ticked that I would not move it. Needless to say, Brad showed up just in time and the boys moved the TV. Our first place in Wrigley....

And then we moved from Wrigley to Andersonville. Again the weather conditions were horrible. A terrible snow storm, and again Brad, Ben and I packed up the house, and moved 2 miles north. I swore, that this would be the last time that I moved. I was never again going to pack up my shit, and carry boxes. Again, fights and yelling.....moving day sucks! We get settled into our condo in Chicago. A place that we called home. Our first home together. We had so much fun at our condo in Ravenswood. We hosted dinner parties, game night, holiday cookie decorating parties, Christmas parties...the whole bit. We were always having people over. It was a house filled with love. It was the place we got engaged, the place we planned the wedding, the place where we planned our life. As my mom says, planning is for fools, and in time we learned that all our plans were in vain.

So our last move was here to Raymond. A house that I found for us. A house that we only lived in one month before Ben got sick. I will never forget the day he came home from playing ball with Juancho. I was in the basement, watching TV. Ben told me that he really really hurt his hip and that he thought he pulled his groin. He was walking a bit funny, but never in a million years, did I think he had cancer. I told him I would see if I could get him in to see Dr. J, and he was OK with that. Boy can life be unfair or what? My Gosh, look how fast things can change. In 1o months Ben was gone. The house has been quiet ever since.

Well it looks like I am once again moving. Time to pack up my life and move forward. Packing Ben's things have been a bit hard, figuratively and literally. Today I actually fell down the steps, packing Ben's things. I was thinking....Mutnick is this some joke? I'm sorry man, but I got to pack up your shit, unless of course you want to come and lend a hand. However on a deeper level, putting away his shirts and pants, knowing full well, that they are never going to be worn again by Ben was hard. Every shirt is a memory, so as I packed I celebrated Ben, celebrated us. I hope that in doing this, I can begin to really heal. It is my hope that I am making a good decision. So look for Bear and I downtime.....it's time to go.