Passover/Eggstravaganza

Dearest B,

Last week was quite an emotional roller coaster. It started out with Passover Monday night, and wrapped up with Easter on Sunday. I thought it best to go to the D and spend Passover with your family. I can't say how much I missed you, because no words can explain how it felt to have sadder without you. I was able to hold it together at dinner, but nearly crashed the car on the way back home.....don't tell D Bone, Big D, or Nanc. I was left thinking about a plethora of memories...good and bad, while crying my eyes out. I think Bear was welded to the seat. She was so scared and you know how she feels about the rumble strips....The trip home was stressful!

Let's not forget the first time I came home to meet your family for the Jewish Holiday's.....many of you know this story, but for those of you who don't it's worth sharing. I was so nervous to meet the family. Prior to our trip home, I asked you if it would be OK if I offered to help your mom in the kitchen. You said that she would be delighted to have my help, however with my Tref status, it would be necessary for me to wear protective equipment. For those Christian followers, Tref, means not kosher in Yiddish. You told me that I had to wear special gloves, and a suit so to not contaminate the food, since all food had to remain Kosher. Me, not knowing, believed you and I even discussed this with Nanc, who told me that I had to do whatever was needed to be done to respect the faith. We arrived home, and later that day, I marched my Tref ass into the kitchen, and proceeded to ask your mom if she would like my help. DBone was more than grateful and of course accepted my offer. I was so nervous, and stood there asking, "OK so where do I get the protective gear." I will never forget the look on your Mom's face. She looked at me like I was Nuts...me Nuts? More like fool! She then said "What the hell are you talking about." I proceeded to explain to her that you told me that since I was Tref that I would contaminate the food, therefore special equipment was necessary. She almost fell off her chair laughing so hard....it wasn't until you came into the kitchen that I realized I had been fooled.
This was just one of many pranks you pulled on my thought out our time together.

And let's not forget the first time I had gefilte fish....OMG. We were at Auntie E's, and I was starving. I could hardly take my eye off that wonderfully shaped round white ball, sitting so perfectly on the center of my plate. So after a few prayers and a little socializing, I dug right into what I thought was a decadine cream puff pastry. Boy was I wrong. Let me say that gefilte fish could not be more unlike a pastry than anything else known to man. For one, I don't like fish. I have tried to appreciate the bagels and lox and the gefilte fish, however I am not a fan. I will never be a fan. I love mandel bread, challah, egg salad, kugel, but not fish and not lox. So you can image my shock when I bit into the gefilte fish.....oy vey ismir. It literally took my breath away. To make matters worse, someone at the table noticed my immediate dislike, and my face turned bright red when I was called out. It was horrible, all the way around.

And of course lets not forget the atomic horse radish that is severed with almost every Jewish holiday dinner. I love horse radish, but no one mentioned to me that this particular horse radish can stop a heart. So I smeared so much horse radish on my matza that when I took a bit, I started to cough and had tears in my eyes instantly. You would think that you, my loving and adoring husband, would give your little shiksa wife a break....but no, this was all par for the course. I was just ripe for the picking...Your lucky that I'm such a good sport.

However, I must say, after a few rough runs through the Jewish holiday season I really feel like I have it down. I know the song, and even some prayers, but most importantly I know when to drink the wine.....no less than four glasses.....thank you very much, no problem! It just makes me so sad to think that we wont' be able to share these wonderful traditions with our children. Children we longed to have.

And let's not forget Easter. This year was so much fun. The kids are finally old enough to participate and understand. I helped with the egg hunt and the baskets, but I cried a ton. I feel so bad, because I don't want Arleigh and Kenz to think that this is normal behavior, but I'm so sad without you. Megs and I were trying to think of things that you would say to the kids or how much fun you would have had helping find the baskets. For whatever reason, all little kids love to play with your ring that I wear on a necklace around my neck. Kenz asked me this weekend what it was, and I told her that it was a wedding ring. She then proceed to ask who's...so naturally I told her. It broke my heart, and caught me so off guard, when she said....ohhhhh Uncle Ben, I love him......and then she smiled at me and said, Uncle Ben's in heaven. I mean she's 2 and she seems to know better than I do most days, where you are. I really hope that after everything we went though that you got a free pass to heaven and that you can still see me, even though I can't see you. I was just thinking today that it has been 5 months since I last saw you. 5 months, holy crap. With baseball in full swing I am really missing you. Well crap, I really miss you all the time. Everything reminds me of you. I often times wake up thinking today will be a better day, and it is those days that end up being the hardest. A sound, a smell, a song, a memory...just about everyone has a little bit of Ben in it.

Watching the Tigers brings me much sadness. Thinking back to last year when we went to the game with John and Megs. You were so sick but made the best out of the weekend. I'll never forget how much shit you were giving me for going to bed at 1 am. You wanted Megs and I to stay up and you were calling us lame....in Meg and I's defense, we aren't lame....wink wink. You were buying me drinks, and were more worried about me having a good time, then you feeling good. We had Evie's wedding the following day, and you were in so much pain, but again you put others first. This behavior landed you in the hospital the next week, and I believe we found out that the cancer had spread again. A great weekend, followed up by a horrible weekend....story of our life.

Today I felt really down, and a co-worker asked what was wrong, and I told him nothing. The truth is that it's not even worth explaining because no one seems to understand, or they really don't want to know the truth. The truth is that I miss you. That I'm still heart broken and depressed and alone. I wanted to say, well what do you think it wrong? Or how would you feel after losing your husband/wife so young? But I don't, I just keep it in until I get home. Home where I'm safe and where I can be real with my heartache.

I love you so much. I still can't believe that I am never going to see you again. Staring at the empty side of the bed every night is a reminder that you are gone. I just hope that you had a wonderful Passover as well as a wonderful Easter...surrounded by loving family and friends that you have reconnected with. Please come see me soon.

All my Love,
L