What I didn't expect was to be flooded with emotion and memories as I sifted my way through
paperwork, watches, wallets, and closets. Everything I touched brought back a piece of you. It started with the bowl on the kitchen table. There I found hospital bracelets, B's we got this bracelet, notes and love letters that I had left for you over the course of your illness, and wonderful pictures that the kids had sent. The counter held your lacoste watch, a watch that screams, you. It was something we picked together, and it is something that brings me back to you everything time I see it. My cleaning simply stopped as I sunk to the floor and cried. It is still a hard realization that you, Mr. Benjamin Mutnick, are gone. And now I had to decide what I should do with these things, these memories, your belongings.My Uncle P made me a hope chest this past Christmas, and I decided to make this your hope chest. It's funny that our hope does not represent hope at all. It represents what is left after
hope is gone. Our hope chest, is a vault of what we had hoped to have one day, a life together. This cedar chest has become a box of memories of you, and I, and what we had. So as I cleaned, I moved watches and wallets there to be stored forever. However it was so difficult knowing that I was putting your things in a box, in a damn box. I moved your favorite Northface jacket into the hope chest, and then decided that I wasn't' ready to put that into the chest yet, and as of right now I'm still wearing it. It feels like your wrapped around me, Your scent is still there and I can see you walking toward me wearing this wonder kelly green jacket. There are so many thing that I want to save forever that I feel that I might need a hope house. A place where I can store everything forever. I think that people would really think I was over the edge if I had a hope house....hahahah. The bonus to grieving such a deep loss, well there is no real bonus, but I'm looking for the silver lining, is that I have a license to be crazy. I can do almost anything and it blame it on you. Isn't that every wife's real wish?My therapist told me a month ago that I needed to start cleaning some of your things out. He told me that your things were just things, and not you..... profound right? Like I didn't know that your favorite tee shirt was not you! However I personally feel that your education only gets you so far, because he has never suffered a loss this great, and doesn't understand what it means to hold onto every memory I have of you. After all, I only have memories, and he still has his wife and kids. So to honor his request I started to clean out the bathroom closest. I started by throwing out your contact solution and face lotion. However I had a major panic attack, took everything back out of the garbage, and put it back into the closet where it belongs. I then blacked out, and finally settled myself back down. I was so mad, because I told my therapist I was not ready, and I was right. I'm not ready to let you go. I'm sorry, but unless you go through something like this you just don't know, you just can't know! And at this point I could care less what people think. I need to do this in my own time, when I'm ready.
I'm not ready for a lot of things yet. I tried my hand at golf this past week. It was a hot mess. Oh my gosh Josh. I couldn't get you out of my head, not to mention I haven't golfed in almost 2 years, and my game is off. I need you to come back and help me. I often wonder if golfing is something I am really going to be able to do without you. Golfing was something we shared. We loved golf. You loved golf. I loved you. So this weekend has been pretty crappy so far...that's being kind, but I hope that after a good workout, I can move forward and find some of that silver lining I'm looking for.I love you and will see you tomorrow.
Forever yours,
LMuttz
Dear Lindsay, You are right, no one can even come close to knowing the loss that you are suffering. The special bond you shared with Ben is not something very many people can say that they have ever experienced. You are right to go at your own pace, only you will know what is right for you. Do what ever lets you get thru every second, minute, hour and day. We all pray that you find your way of keeping Ben close, while your ability to live without him grows.I love you, please let me know if there is anything we can do for you, Aunt Julie
ReplyDeleteI agree with Julie. You have to do it in your own time and only you can decide when you're ready to make these steps. Like you told me yesterday, there is no textbook or guide that can dictate what is right or wrong. Only you know that. Don't let anyone tell you different.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful, Lindsay. It's going to take time, lots and lots of time. You're doing well. Stay strong. I know it's got to be damn near impossible for you having Ben's things just staring at you all the time. The other day I said something funny, and I got a flash of Ben in my head laughing at what I just said. I don't even remember what I did say, but I know that was the first time in a while that I smiled thinking of Ben. Xazmin told me I had this ridiculous smile on my face that I didn't even know was there. Hopefully, you can take the good memories and it can bring you some smiles and peace. Just go day by day. We're here for you.
ReplyDeleteHi Lindsey,
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me, but I went to Andover with Ben (I was a couple years behind him) and started reading your blog when I heard what happened.
I lost my boyfriend of 4 years two years ago. He had Leukemia.
It was a really long and hard road, so I sympathize with you. Most people don't understand what it takes to be a wife or a girlfriend of someone who is sick.
It consumes your life and you really don't care or even know what is happening around you because you are consumed with the one you love.
What struck me in this post and made me write was how hard it is for you to throw out his bathroom products, his things.
What your therapist might tell you and what mine did as well is that those "things" don't represent him. No they aren't him, but they represent his presence in your life.
I had the same exact experience you had with his bathroom products. I threw them out. Put them back on the shelf. Threw them out again and then put them back on the shelf.
I probably did this a dozen times. I lost count.
Anyway, if you ever want to talk to someone who's been through what you're going through, feel free to contact me.
My email is lalalinzy@yahoo.com (yes, my name is Lindsey too)
Anyway, this post has gotten really long, but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone.
Absolutely all of this continues to bring tears to my eyes. I can’t help it. And for you… I know the objective is to slowly try to creep on - in a functional way - but some things are almost damn near impossible to move on from. Of course you have to someday.. but that someday is subjective. On one hand you don't want it to be a *forever* process... and you don't want overwhelming grief to control every breath, every waking minute, and every day of your life - but I totally get how beginning to let go of some of Ben's things was probably WAY premature. It's not time until it's YOUR time to do it. Encouragement by your therapist is fine… but it has to be on your timeline to enact. Your grief process is unlike any other’s (as is everyones) and does not come out of a statistical chart in a textbook. (Although I think it's absolutely brilliant that you have a therapist.) I would think the best thing you could do right now would be to be *open to the concept* of progression, taken in teeeeny tiny baby steps. I hope you can just take tiny little steps beyond grief to find the silver lining in each day - hard to find, but somewhere, somewhere out there is a glimmer each day. It might be as simple as a single tiny flower, or a ladybug.. a gorgeous sunset sky.. or a hysterical thing a stranger does on the street. Pay attention to what makes you smile.. and seek those things out. (maybe not the stranger). Take a picture of those things that bring a smile to your face.. because when you look at them later it will make you smile again. Doesn't matter what it is or how you find it.. the healing is in just looking for it ... and then looking for more glimmers each day. You will start to see more and more of them in time. Ben would want that for you. Ben *does* want that for you.
ReplyDeleteOh, and I think the “hope chest” is absolutely perfect. (You have a sweet uncle.) One minor adjustment to it might be a new name … the MutzChest perhaps. What a wonderful way to honor Ben and keep his things close to you and safe at the same time. You could line the inside top with pictures of you two glued to it, so when you open it, it's a montage of the time you had with him on this earth. Baby steps to putting his things in there.. with each item being honored as it goes in. (Nothing wrong with contact solution going in the MutzChest, as opposed to the garbage!)
And by the way... I think Lalalinzy writing you is not an accident. More like God sent. When I read her name, I knew it. I hope you two can connect and share with each other.
Miss you - and I hope we can catch up soon on the phone.
~ KLM in Evanston