Te Amo

Hola Benito,

Since my return from Mexico, I feel compelled to speak any form of Spanish that I know...funny right? Seeing that I know no Spanish whatsoever. I find myself saying things like muy hungry, or "bank you very much"...(inside joke). My vacation was pretty nice. Very relaxing, just what the doctor ordered, that and a cold pina colada.

The beautiful beaches and wonderful weather took me back to our days in Costa Rica. My curly hair, and tan body....your curly hair and red body. I wish I could say that Dana didn't make the same mistake as you did with overdoing it in the sun, but that would be a lie. She is convinced the Banana Boat lotion let her down, but I have other theories. However I am tan! Even Hannah will confirm...dark as dark can be.

Playa Del Carmen was beautiful. It was here I felt your presence the most. For one, I was the closest I have been to heaven yet....being in an airplane and all. I kept looking out the window for you. Silly to think that I would actually see you, but I thought it was worth a shot. I guess I wish that Heaven was a place I could visit. Just imagine if for one day, I could pack up Perro and Gato and drive the Subaru to meet you for breakfast. You would order your favorite real food cafe Breakfast Monte Cristo, and I would have coffee and a piece of toast. We wouldn't even have to talk! We would simply enjoy each other's company, but that's wishful thinking.

But really Mexico gave me time to reflect. My mind was quiet. It was here I could hear my soul, hear my heartbeat, hear your voice. Every morning, Dana and I got up and worked out, and following every workout I laid in the hammock by the ocean. The warm tropical breeze was blowing in my hair, and the ocean was a blue you only see in your dreams. I often times listened to the play list you left for me on my IPod titled, "I love you". Something I didn't know existed until after you passed away. A perfect little surprise that brings me back to you every time I listen. It was while listening to these songs that I really began to appreciate what we had. I'm not just saying this because you were my husband, but you and I really had something. Something so special. And it wasn't about money, or jobs, it was about love. Undeniable, Unselfish LOVE.

It was as though you were pushing the hammock as I looked into the distance for you. I willed myself to see you as you truly were. I tried to push past the memories of you with a walker, a cane, a swollen face, no hair, hair again, a chemo fanny pack, a chemo and pain fanny pack. I looked into our past, where some of our greatest memories are stored. It was like unlocking a hidden treasure chest. I smiled through tears.

I cried for you every day. I shared our stories with 2 new friends. Friends that Dana brought me to know and love. They let me talk about you and it was really healing. So many people would rather not talk about it/you. I guess some people figure that it's easier not to talk about you or my experience with cancer, and the loss of a loved one....a tragic loss, a loss so horrific that there are not many times that I can talk about it without crying. But that is not helpful and really hurtful. It was refreshing to talk about you and to share some of our happiest stories. You were so close, I could feel you.

I wish I could say returning from my vacation was easy, but it was quite the opposite. I returned to the house of horrors....a house I hate. It was quiet, and there was no one to welcome me. I long to share my stories of my with you. But I find comfort in knowing that one day you and I will be together again....drinking Makers Mark and Bloody Mary's, sitting on rocking chairs, and again reminiscing on our life together. As short as our married time was, it was full of life, full of fun, and full of Love.....and that's all that really matters at the end of the day. So I will leave by simply saying Te amo (I love you).