Today marks 11 weeks since I saw your loving face, since I held your hand, since I shared a kiss or hug. I thought long and hard whether to write again on the blog and thought that maybe this would be a way to let you know what I have been up to. So this addition of the blog is going to be letters to you. Maybe I will be able to express how hard this process has been and maybe in doing so it will help with the healing process.
This past weekend Bear and I took our first road trip alone. It was very different having me behind the wheel and Bear buckled in in the front seat. I know, I know, you said that she was only to ride in the back, but what can I do? At this point she is good company and don't worry I'm cautious. I would never put our baby at risk, especially now with me depending so much on her, but I know you already know this.
Back to the road trip...Bear and I went to visit your mom and brother. It was a really nice weekend but I must say, going to the house you grew up in without you was pretty strange. I kept looking in the living room, thinking I was going to see you all laid out in the chaise lounge, watching sports center, checking the computer. And no matter how many times I told myself you weren't going to be there, I still looked. I longed to see you. I think of a little kid who wishes so hard to see Santa, or the Tooth Fairy. I am that kid, who is sitting on the floor with her eyes closed so tight her forehead is wrinkled, wishing to see you again...what a joke right!
Your mom and brother were great, but they too are deeply saddened by your loss. It still seems so unreal. Like you can't really be gone, but I know no matter how hard I wish this to go away it won't. Tomorrow is Valentines Day. A day I have always hated, this you know. It is a silly Hallmark Holiday, however your were a huge supporter of Valentines Day since D-Bone owned the Hallmark store for 16 years. I guess you could say you paved the way.
I'll never forget the weekend we were in Chicago for my review class. This was before we moved
to the Windy City. You went to watch the State Game with your friends, and understandably had a few drinks. You showed up late, and very drunk for our Valentines Dinner, however what made the day special was that before you left you decorated the room with so roses and rose pedals. You wrote a heart felt card that you left on the pillow and you made dinner reservations....all a surprise to me. It was so thought out and planned that from that day on, I grew to love Valentines Day and looked forward to a true surprise from you every year to follow. This will be my first V-Day without you and I am struggling.Last year you sent me flowers and the card read....." I love you so much and I couldn't do any of this without you. You're a blessing and I can't ever show you how much I appreciate you and truly love you. Happy Valentines Day. Love, B" Well B, the feeling is mutual, however I am now the one left wondering how I'm supposed to continue on without you. I guess in time my pain will subside some however, I am changed. I plan to bring you flowers tomorrow and celebrate Valentines Day with you, so look for me after work.
I love you with all my heart and hope to see you soon in my dreams.
Love Always,
Linds
I have been thinking about you so much this past week. I almost sent X an email asking how you were doing and to ask her to let you know that there are people out here who have never met you, and never had the pleasure to know B, who are. I hold you in my heart.
ReplyDeletePlease know that you are in my thoughts. I wish you sweet memories of your special love to get you through...Thanks for continuing to use this space.
Anna
Hey L, Been think about you all the time.. I hope this gets easier with time!
ReplyDeleteWow! I am so glad I just saw this and not this morning. Ben definitely is with you and always will be. I know this is extremely hard for you, but he is not gone in spirit. Xoxo Lindsay
ReplyDeleteLindsay,
ReplyDeleteYou will always carry Ben with you, because he will always be in your heart.
Love,
Esther
Ben is always in our hearts and is our Angel watching over all of us. Especially you lindsay.
ReplyDeleteDad and I will always be with you every step you must take. Our hearts are so broken watching your pain.
We love you.
Mom
I'm so happy to see that you're writing again! What a wonderful way to carry on ben's legacy!
ReplyDeleteLinds: That was so touching and heartfelt. I truly get a sense of how much you're hurting. Believe me, Ben misses you just as much if not more. You two were beautiful together on earth, but he's still with you in spirit. You have to know that you're not alone with your pain and struggles. Sure, your pain is the deepest, but there are still days when I tear up thinking about him. It seems like a bad dream that I'm just going to wake up from one day and he'll be back, cracking jokes, being my best friend, and everything will go back to when we were all happy and had no idea how devastating cancer could be. But we must stay strong for Ben. He's the most selfless person I've ever met and wouldn't want any of us to feel sad or lose sleep because of him. Every time I get sad, I think about that. Stay, strong, Linds. We're all here for you.
ReplyDeletePS: You're really strong for writing again. I think it will help the healing process. Ben will truly love hearing what you've been up to. :)
ReplyDeleteI hope every day gets a little bit easier and I hope writing about it is therapeutic. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteJust happened to check your blog today to see if by chance there was anything new. I was happy to see you were writing again.I truely hope it will help with your healing.
ReplyDeleteThink of you often and still praying for you.
Nasa's Mom
Time to pack up and move on. The sympathy train will only last through the year. You have a fresh start, you're free. Leave his family and start over. Take a vacation with whatever money you got.
ReplyDeleteYou get three great loves in your life.
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous's
ReplyDeletePlease don't even profess to think that a "vacation" will make things go away. We are just getting through each day as it comes for now. Without the love and support of our families and friends we would be lost. The cards, phone calls and love especially these past 15 months or so have been priceless. We are there for each other and to pick each other up when one of us stumbles.
I pray that no one ever has to walk in our shoes. Continue to love us and support us in the coming days. Just getting through each day is an effort, but we know we have each others back at all times.
There is not a person who knew Ben that hasn't been touched by his humor, love of life and gregariousness. Let's all get through this together and keep positive thoughts coming our way.
Dianne
(part of Ben's family)
Dear Anonymous -
ReplyDeleteNone of us, least of all Lindsay, will ever fully "move on" from losing Ben. He was a loved and cherished part of our lives and we can only hope to continue to move forward and heal, while always keeping him in our hearts. Ben and Lindsay put their souls into this blog and let the world into the most intimate journey they went through together. For Lindsay to continue this takes a strength that most of us, including you, will likely never know. This journey is hard enough for us all, especially for Lindsay and Ben's family, without insensitive comments from a faceless, nameless peanut gallery. Please don't add to their pain.
Dear anonymous-
ReplyDeleteHow dare you! I can not believe anyone would ever say such a thing! Lindsay is such an amazing person and doesn't need a vacation. She has never asked for anyone's sympathy, in fact her strength is beyond admirable. Ben was the love of her life and will forever live on in her heart and everyone else's hearts.
Lindsay -looking forward to remembering Ben at the hockey game. What a great event to honor Ben.
MD
"Anonymous" according to Webster's Dictionary: lacking individuality, distinction, or recognizability. Synonyms include cowardly, fearful, chickenhearted, dastardly, timid, poor-spirited, unmanly, and ill-mannered <---(Describes you perfectly!!!) I'd say we'd all pray extra hard for you, but you probably have never even met a single person mentioned in this blog, so I doubt anyone will give two shits about you :) I sure hope you don't kiss your mother with that mouth of yours...
ReplyDeleteWell, she's obviously a good girl. And because of that she is spending lots of time with his family. They would love that forever because she is a reminder of him, but is it best for her?
ReplyDeleteMaybe the healing process takes more than just the reminders of Ben from friends and family.
Awesome that she did take a vacation, afterall.
She's hot and young, at some point she deserves to get excited about the idea of new adventures and love (while keeping Ben in a pocket of her heart). It sounds rude, but in a way she is free, more free to alter the course of her life than some of us. Out of death came a strange gift.
This is a fascinating blog, and sometimes alt viewpoints might be expressed by the world wide webbers.
It seems like you're checking this blog so you can continue espousing your "alt viewpoints" for no apparent reason other than amusing yourself. You must be pretty miserable in your own relationship (I'm going out on a big limb here assuming that you're even in one) if you think the death of a beloved husband at the age of 29 is a "freeing" occurrence. What a sad bitter person you are, Anonymous! I sincerely hope that you'll find it in your heart to stop harassing this young woman on her blog.
ReplyDeleteSo glad your writing again!
ReplyDelete