Amazing Grace

So you all know the movie P.S. I Love you right? Well if you don't watch it, but be sure to have a box of Kleenex next to you! Well Ben pulled off a bit of what I would consider a P.S. I Love You moment. Right after Ben passed away I was compulsive about cleaning....that has changed significantly but for whatever reason something was telling me that I needed to clean the couch. This is something I hardly ever do, especially since I haven't' spent much time on the couch since Ben passed away. Our nice couch resides in the "man cave". The room that screams Ben. This room houses an original Foosball table as well as an original wood dart board with a news write up on Band Camp and his incident at MSU (I won't go into details). The man cave also has surround sound, trophies from softball tournaments, the Wii, and may pics of Ben and I from our college years. This room is all Ben, with a sprinkle of L. I have little by little, moved things into storage, however this room remains mostly Ben. There are not many nights that I can go into the basement without crying. Not to mention my wedding dress is on the ground, winking at me...more like laughing at me! And let's say, it's my least favorite piece of clothing that I own. I have a love/hate relationship with that f-ing dress!

However one Sunday morning I woke up with an agenda, and cleaning the couch was on it. I started by vacuuming the entire couch. This is the couch that Ben and I bought together for our condo in Chicago. It was our first piece of official furniture. Our first purchase where we cared if we spilled on it, something we took pride in. We bought this couch at a store where we walked in, and the sales reps took one look at us and walked away. Seriously no one would help us. I guess we didn't meet the criterion, and the sales staff figured we were just window shopping. Ben finally yelled out " We have 5 grand in cash, so anyone who helps, will stand to make commission." No lie, this really happened! It was embarrassing, but liberating at the same time. I was thinking, "you go Ben."

We came home with a blue wrap couch with a chaise that we both loved. It was our official mark on society, our passage into adult hood. It is beautiful. We tried out several couches that day. Sat on several couches, pretended to share drinks, put our feet up, picked out fabric and color, and placed our order at Room and Board. This couch ended up being a place that Ben slept sitting up on most nights during his fight with cancer. It was the only place he was comfortable. I see the couch and I see his illness. However that lonely Sunday I lifted up the couch cushions and stumbled upon a journal. It is a journal my mom gave Ben after his diagnosis with cancer. A journal he could use for anything. The cover is all blue with the words "Amazing Grace". Inside the cover Ben wrote "Please Give to Lindsay if Found".

Let's just say I stopped cleaning the couch then. The journal is a day to day record of his fight, of his pain, of his struggle, but it is so special. I will share only the first page.

"Linds-

I love you so much I can't believe this is happening to us, but we're re strong and will get through this.

I can't wait until we can take Bear on walks again, have kids and move into our dream house. I love you so much, and my biggest fear in all this is leaving you alone. You mean the world to me, and I couldn't imagine you with B. And obviously, I couldn't even imagine going into another world without my L!

I love you so much, and because of you, I promise I'm going to fight this with everything I have. I'll never give up, and I hope you continue to fight and sacrifice with me.

I love you so much and I can't even begin to show it, so I'll just stop here. Just know I love you and am doing everything in my power for you."

Days before Ben died, he made me promise that I would continue to do the things that I loved. He made me promise that I would run with Bear, that I would golf, and that I would move on. He was so scared to leave me alone. Ben's mom is a widow....a young widow by many standards. And Ben kept saying, "You are going to be a widow, just like my mom. My sweet Lindsay, why?" I told him I would try...I also told him he was being a jerk (not my proudest moment). I think he knew his mom's pain, and he knew that unfortunately I too was going to suffer a great loss. That I too was going to be a widow, and that I too was going to be alone. He saw what his mom suffered and knew that my fate was the same. He was so sad for both D-Bone and I!

I have relied on D-Bone for so much. She has helped me understand that in time things will be easier, but this is her son...a kid who lost his life way to young. This is hard for everyone....my parents, his parents, my family, his family, our friends.

Ben also left me a 3 minute voice mail as well as a i tunes play list both months and days before he passed. He was so worried about me, and I think he needed to know that I knew that he loved me and will always love me.

Today I took just my engagement ring off. I am not sure that I will keep it off, but it felt right and wrong. I know that I'm not married anymore, and this is my way of saying.....OK I get it! I still have on my wedding ring, but this is a start. And I can always put it back on right?

I went with Big D last Friday to the cemetery. We went to see the headstone. It was there but not placed. Both Big D and I were without words. Many tears were shed. Big D kept saying "Why Us, Why Ben, Why Lindsay", as he picked weeds. I felt so sad. I hate when Big D cries. He is so manly.....I picture him ripping a Deer open with his teeth, so when I see him cry, I cry. So when he is sad, I know that things are really that bad.

I turn 30 next week, and I can't believe that my 30 year milestone is coupled with this great loss. Ben was such a birthday person and this year is the first I am going to be without him in 6 years. I am alone/empty and fear I will be alone forever. I am getting old and fat...right Juancho!

My Dance Partner

"I miss those blue eyes How you kissed me at night I miss the way we sleep Like there's no sunrise Like the taste of your smile I miss the way we breathe"

Colbie Caillat

Do you remember how much we loved to dance? Gosh if I think of one thing B and loved more than golf, I would have to say it was dancing. B was a grown man who loved nothing more than shaking it on the dance floor. I knew I loved him when he invited me to Barristers Ball aka Law School Prom and he whipped me around like we were a team on So You Think You Can Dance.

Funny enough the night started out a bit strange to say the least. You see, B and I showed up super late and quite intoxicated with a group of friends, leaving only a few open seats. The Dean was already talking and we were reprimanded immediately by the other teachers, or chaperons as we called them. We were pointed to the only open seats, which happened to be right next to (you'll never guess) my ex....ha! B, was so calm and collect he could have cared less, however Ryan was less than pleased....what can you do? What made matters worse, is that Ryan always thought Ben and I had something going on, but we didn't. Little was I to know that I would date and marry B. I guess Ryan was onto something, and so was Jill, a girl in B and I's major. She told me that B and I would date and that we would get married, she was sure of it...boy was it that obvious to everyone else?

Back to Barristers and dancing....the night ended with B whipping me around like a rag doll, and with Fielder strongly recommended that B refrain from picking me up anymore, since he dropped me at least 3 times. I don't know if she was protecting B, or I, or both, but I do remember laying on the dance floor, thinking, we make a great dance team.

And then Fox came out with the show So You Think You Can Dance. Let me start off my saying we didn't watch this show, however once while we were flipping though channels, we stopped to watch a hip hop routine. B was convinced that we could dance like professionals. So convinced that he suggested that I run and jump into his arms for a lift...a lift he was sure we could handle. This was only after much protest from me to B, that we weren't professional dancers, and that I thought someone was going to get hurt. Well my instincts were right, and B dropped me, and hard. I was laughing, and crying at the same time....and he, naturally was laughing. I thought I broke my ankle...it was swollen and blue, and Ben told me that I messed the move up.....yeah right, you stupid ass, you dropped me!

B was also known for his famous chair dance, which was captured on tape at Rick and Julia's wedding. This dance was so good you would have thought he practiced it. He pulled a chair onto he dance floor, and whipped out moves you could only dream of. Everyone was cheering, and screaming, and he loved it. And then following that, he grabbed me, dipped me, twirled me, lifted me off the ground, and took a bow. That too was captured on tape...something I have to cherish forever.

I too love dancing. I have 5 weddings this years, and I wonder, if I will dance? Will anyone ask me? Or am I marked with a big W for widow, much like Hester from the Scarlett Letter. Am I now going to be one of those girls that stands on the side, while everyone slow dances with their loved ones? How have I become a spectator of something I love so much?

Dancing always made us smile. Sometime last summer, B was having a very bad pain day. He was trapped in the house, in the basement. I will never forget B sitting there, a prisoner of his own home and body. There was nothing that could cheer him up, and then it dawned on me. I told him to put on the 80's music channel on the TV, and I busted a serious move for well over 30 minutes with the dog. Bear was barking and biting me, but I just kept dancing, and Ben laughed and laughed. I rolled up one pant leg, put on a hat, and danced our worries away. B was laughing so hard he was crying. I'll never forget that day.....he took pictures of me on his cell phone.

B even went to a wedding last summer and danced. It was unbearable to see him dancing with his cane, but he did it for me. He looked like a cancer patient then....no hair, skinny, fair skinned...so unlike himself, and yet there he was dancing, smiling. This was the last time we danced together. He held me tight....like he knew that it was going to be our last dance...so sad. And then of course there's the Hora...the best wedding dance ever!

People always offer their condolences and I don't know what to say, so I say things like "Oh it's OK". What the hell is that? It's like verbal diarrhea. It's not OK. Not even close. Last week I said that exact line to someone, and then made things very awkward, by saying "You know what, It's not OK. It actually sucks. Watching your husband die is horrible. " You want to talk about uncomfortable. I just stopped there, and walked away. My Word!

And then of course, there's the headstone. B's headstone is in. It actually made me sick to hear that today. Why is it that my mother-in-law and I are picking out headstones? Shouldn't we be talking about baby names, or my 30th b-day, or our vacations with our kids. Nope we are talking about headstones.....enough said. You win some you lose some right?

The Legend of the 517 Area Code

"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you the next time I see you. I love you. I'll be seeing you."

The Notebook

Tonight, I took an accidental step forward, or backward...hard to say. A step that I am wholeheartedly not sure I was ready to take. It all began when earlier today I was trying to text a friend of mine....one who is facing great hardship. I became increasingly annoyed when my text messages were not being sent to her. I felt it was very important that she knew I cared and that I was thinking of her, and unfortunately the Sprint Network could have cared less. Her brother needs all our prayers, so do me a favor and pray for her....please and thank you.

I was so irritated that I called Sprint. I wanted a credit and to find out if there were network issues in the area. What I didn't expect was to be bombarded with questions that could only be answered by the account holder...Mr. Benjamin Mutnick. They asked me if they could speak with him, and I kindly explained that unless they had a direct line to heaven, talking with Ben was going to be impossible.

I became hysterical. Sprint politely said (and I have to say they were pretty nice, let's not push it, I said nice, and only nice) that they needed to update the account and remove Ben as the primary holder. They then posed the question to me whether or not I wanted to turn Ben's phone off. Ben's phone is legendary in my opinion. Both he and I have had the same phone number since the EL. He has rocked the same 517 number for well over a decade. I will never forget the ring back tones he picked for me....Rubber Band Man, Fraggle Rock, Magic Carpet Ride, Here Comes the Bride, and the latest, Bring Me Back that Fillet O' Fish (yes that's right, the song from the McDoanld's commercial). Only Ben could get away with that ring tone for his wife....what a guy. And no matter where I am, every time I hear any of those ring tones or songs, I have to stop and take a moment so that I don't have a very public meltdown.

After processing what had just been said, I felt my throat close...for real. I was rushing down the steps for my EpiPen gasping for air. I actually considered sticking myself in the thigh or butt, but figured that John and Megs, or Don and Nanc would not appreciate a visit to the ole ER, so I put the EpiPen back. And the EpiPen and I don't really have a great track record. I actually thought that I got stung when we were at MSU. Let me start out by saying, whatever bit me hurt like hell....like a bee. I was studying in my bathing suit alone at a park, when I got stung. I totally freaked out, and tried to give myself the shot, which failed! I quickly jumped in my car, flagged down some police officers on bikes, who then called for back up. I landed myself laying on the side of the road in my suit surrounded by a bunch of firemen and police officers. I was so embarrassed....beyond embarrassed. They called an ambulance and made me climb in....mind you I'm still in my bikini! They hooked me up to all these monitors and checked my vitals only to find out that I had gotten stung by a horsefly...that's right, a horsefly. I wanted to die. All the guys were super hot.... every girls fantasy, and here I was in my bathing suit, toughly horrified. I have never been more embarrassed....Ben loves that story.

However, I felt like I'd just gotten stung by a nest of bees with no mercy, yes bees, not horseflies. I was caught so off guard and was so hysterical, that Bear hid in the closet.....big shocker. The dog who kills rabbits and squirrels before work, can't handle when I have a melt down...what a baby....but I love her! I could hardly calm myself down. It was then that I saw a picture of Ben and I from Jillie Bean's wedding. He was looking right at me, telling me to take deep breaths, and that it was going to be OK. I could hear him whisper to me "Lindsay it's just a phone, a legendary one at that, but it's just a phone. It's OK to let go....it's OK AMo."

I then closed my eyes and let go, just a bit. I feel like the rope just slipped through my fingers and that I wasn't' strong enough to hold on. I know it sounds silly, and it is just a phone, but it's Ben's phone. He was the last person to make a call on that phone. And I know that no matter how many times I call, he is never going to answer, and so today I turned the phone off forever. I never expected to be so emotional over something so trivial. No one can prepare you for a loss like this. It's the little things that tend to get you!

I only hope that some sexy, funny, blond haired, blue eyed babe, ends up with this legendary 517 number. It can't be anything but amazing. I am tempted to call it later this week and see who answers. I am tempted to tell this person how lucky they are to have this number and that the person who had this number before them kicked ass!!!!!!

So tonight we say a fair well to the BMuttz Blackberry/Crackberry. You are gone for now, but never forgotten. I will leave you with this.....

"Although they try to get on with their lives, their love does not die."

I Love you B...but you know that.

The Good 'Ol Days

Dearest Ben,

I feel so stalled out. It is almost hard to explain. Never in my life have I been this tired. I guess I could attribute this to depression and lack of sleep. It is so hard at night to settle down. It is not that I try to forget you, because I don't, but the only way to get through the day is to act like my life is the same as it always was. However the minute I let my mind relax and actually think about my profound loss do I feel like I'm in a free fall. Every time I realize that you are gone, that you are dead, feels like the first time all over again. Every time I say out loud "Ben is gone" I bend over, and find that I am short of breath. My heart rate immediately skyrockets, and I burst into tears. This is something that happens every single time I tell myself you are gone.

I guess you could say that I feel the same as a 5 year old kid feels the night they learn they are going to Disney. It is the adrenale that keeps them awake, and it is the negative adrealanie that keeps me awake. I literally lie in bed and stare at the ceiling, hoping that I fall asleep in time to get some sleep before work. I wake up in a haze, with absolutely no concept of day or time. Most mornings, I turn off the alarm thinking it's Saturday. Why would I do that? I used to be a morning person, but each day it becomes harder and harder to pull myself out from under the covers....damn it! I am frickin ashamed! I don't know if its the antipication of what lurks around the corner....ie my 30th b-day or our anniversary, but I have been super emotional. I have felt your loss so much.

Someone I just met the other night asked me if I was really ready to get married when I did. He asked me how I knew if you were the one? I thought long and hard before I answered this question. What he helped me realize was that you were the one. You were the best I could ever do. You were so damn good looking...seriously, not to mention smart, athletic, funny, competitive, and a lawyer. I really don't think I could have done much better. Girls loved you! All of them, and you picked me. Little old Linds....how did I get so lucky? You must have been drunk when you bought the ring....just kidding B. I can hear you say...."Lindsay you don't give yourself enough credit....do you actually think I would marry an ugly biotch? Haha not a chance L!" You made me feel special and pretty. You told me every day that I was pretty....a pretty pie to be exact.

The Kisses and I spend many nights reminiscing about you, about us, about our vacations together. Lets not forget the first ever Law School Camping trip. You were so proud of the tent that you purchased on your West Law Credits. This tent is a legend, and for all the wrong reasons. So our group of 15 started a camping tradition. And for all of you who know me, camping is not my thing, unless it's at a hotel with a breakfast brunch. But relationships are about adventure and compromise so I land myself in Indiana with a bunch of attorneys for an outdoor Tom Petty concert.


It ended up being one of the best weekends we all had together. The tent Ben purchased was ridiculous in size. Let's just say that strangers thought that our tent was for dogs...it was so small. I still don't know how we slept in it. Ben and I had to sleep on an angle in a fetal position, so uncomfortable, but so cozy. And at one point we had 4 people in this tent....think of a clown car, and all the people unloading and you are left wondering how.....this was our tent! How in the hell we fit 4 is still mind boggling. And then of course there was the Gold Bond incident...John and Molly you know what I'm talking about. Followed up by an awesome live concert with some of our best friends. The night ended with the DNR telling us to turn the music down, and for the ladies to stop peeing in the woods. What I would like to know is, was that DNR officer watching us pee in the woods the entire night? Oh well....guess he enjoyed the show.

I'll never forget stopping at the Butt Hut either. I was convinced it was a strip club, and Ben played along. However it was a tobacco shop, phew what a relief. We stopped there for a few pops and cigs for a the few in the group who smoked pre-ben caner diagnosis. I was so upset I stayed in the car and almost cried, only to realize I was totally off the mark. Ben laughed his ass off.....
I am so gullible!

Ben also showed up to the concert rocking a Mohawk. A "Jewhawk" as he dubbed it. He decided the summer before the bar that he was going to cut himself a Mohawk. I thought he was having a mid-bar crisis, and that this was just a ridiculous passing conversation. Little did I know that he was actually going to get a Mohawk. He argued, like a good lawyer, that this was the only time in his whole life that he would be able to have a Mowhawk and I would have to embrace this new look. I was pissed!!!! But Ben, of course, pulled the look off. It was one hell of a "Jewhawk".

Ben was always full of surprises. He pushed me to be a better person. He made me more confident, and more assertive. I feel I have lost some of this confidence in his absence. I feel I have so much more to live up to now that he is gone. I just signed up to run the GR marathon. I owe this to Ben and I, and when I'm ready, I'll share the story behind this decision.

For now, just know that I think about you always,

Forever yours,
LMuttz

The Time Traveler's Wife

Tonight for some reason I was drawn to watch the movie the Time Traveler's Wife. This is a movie based on the best selling novel with the same name. A novel that I tried to read, but found a bit to strange and far to less believable for my liking. However, the movie attracted my attention because I am a huge Rachel McAdams fan and thought why not.

The movie is a love story about a man with a genetic disorder that allows him to time warp. Time warp you say? I often times wonder what it would be like to time warp. To be able to move forward and backward in time allowing us to relive our best memories, to see the exact moment when you knew that you loved me, and that I loved you back. Or the day you proposed...it was perfect.

It is strange, but I have developed a routine. Every night I get into bed and I go on facebook. And not for the latest gossip or drama. I actually find facebook very upsetting at times. People tend to air their dirty laundry on facebook, and often times feel inclined to post things like FML, when they in fact have no reason to post this. I want to say to these people, really F your life? Why don't you come over to my house or come with me to the cemetery and really find out what it feels like to have a f-ed up life. And this may make me sound cold, or like a bitch, but really things are never as bad as they seem, that is, until you hit the bottom of the barrel. Once your at the bottom, you realize how silly all other minor matters really are. It takes something this tragic to give you a clear vision of what matters, of what really sucks, and how narrow sighted people can be.

Oh boy I'm going off on a tangent...back to the purpose of the my original mention of facebook.....as I was saying, every night I go on facebook to Ben's page. It is here that I go through the same 289 photos that he has posted to his account. I have the order memorized. I know first comes some of our wedding photos, followed up by the madame photos, and then a ton of the "We Got This" family photos, and so on. I look forward to these photos, but wonder if it is ever possible to be as happy as I was on our wedding day. In looking at those photos I see true bliss, true love, true happiness. To be honest I don't know if I will ever again be that happy. I don't doubt that I will again find happiness, but will I ever find that kind of happiness?

If I could just time travel, I could find out if your at least safe and happy, and I could find out if you remember me. I know that I will never forget you, but have you already forgotten me? Or are you watching? Do you see me cry? Do you know how much I miss you?

My life has been so infected with disease and with cancer that when people ask me questions relative to dates, I actually think to myself, was that pre-cancer or post-cancer. Did that happen before Ben died, or after. My life is in a holding pattern...this grief thing really really sucks.

And then of course there is that one cancer patient that keeps haunting me. I referenced his case in an earlier post, and then on Friday our department had to see him again. It is really really difficult. He reminds me so much of Ben it is sickening. It is so difficult to see him that I found myself pretty drunk with friends on Friday night. And I don't like getting drunk at all. I hate it as a matter of fact. Every now and again it's OK,, but the hangover is what kills me. Not to mention I get really chatty when I'm drunk, and I can never be certain what will fly out of my mouth.....oy vey. And the booze makes me miss you even more. Booze=recipe for disaster.

Moving on is so difficult. I thought that I was ready to take my wedding rings off the other day, but I'm not. I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet. It is just difficult to find my place. Where do I fit in? I'm not married, I'm actually single, but I don't want to be single, I want to be married. I didn't choose this. I actually had no say in my own future. But there are times I look at my rings and think what a joke. They aren't wedding rings anymore. They don't represent a union between two married human individuals. I'm alone, I'm very very alone. I wish you were here to help. You always knew what to say to make me feel better or to smile. I miss our secret handshake, I miss your face.

I love you Ben and wish things wound have ended much better for us.

XOXOXOXXO

Your little Lady