ahhhhhh.......this is the last change i mean it!!!!!!

OK so there has been a change for Thursday the burial will be at Fair Plaines Cemetery. This is in Grand Rapids. The address is 2056 Diamond NE, Grand Rapids, MI, 49505. Sorry again for the change. The time is 11:30 and all are welcome...all are welcome to come.

update update, sorry for the confusion

For clarification tonight the visitation is at 7:30-9 at Ira Kaufman Chapel in Southfield, MI, 48075
please call with question 248-569-0020

The funeral service will be at Birmingham Temple at 2pm in on Wednesday December 1st at the Birmingham Temple...12 mile between Inkster and Middlebelt in Farmington Hills. People are welcome to come to Dianne's for Shiva at 7 pm however immediately following the funeral we are requesting privacy.

As for Thursday the burial will be at 11:30 at The Greenwood Cemetery. 1401 Leonard St NW, Grand Rapids, MI, 49504. All are encouraged to come. Shiva services will be conducted at Dianne's house at 7 pm.

Arrangements

OK so here is the deal.......
So tomorrow we are having a visitation for Ben at Ira Kaufman funeral home. It will be from 7:30-9:00. People are invited to come to Dianne before beginning at 4:30. See address below.

Wednesday we are having the funeral. This will be at 2pm at Birmingham Temple followed by a ceremony at Clover Hill Cemetery. Following that we will return to Dianne's Home for a gathering. 4830 Park Hill Ct., West Bloomfield, MI, 48323.

Thursday we will be having a formal burial in Grand Rapids, but this is for close family and friends. I am not sure the time on this yet and then we will return to Dianne again to sit Shiva and close out everything.

We appreciate all your love and support.

All Good Things.........

I wish that I could say that I knew B all my life, but unfortunately I have only had the pleasure of knowing him and loving him for the past 6 years. I guess that is not entirely true because B and I first met 9 years ago at MSU. Fate has a funny way of stepping in and it dealt me a great card, meeting B.

B and I first met 9 years ago at MSU. Both he and I as well as my best friend E Dawg were all Kinesiology majors. B has such a dynamic personality that I was immediately drawn to him. The three of us became best friends, saving each other seats in shared classes, doing group assignments together, sharing rides, studying for exams, and a little bit cheating here and there....honesty first, honesty first. Both B and I had significant others during the early years, so our relationship was strictly one of genuine friendship. After graduation B and I still remained friends, but it wasn't until July of 2005 that special things started happening.

Unfortunately in 2005, B and his family suffered the loss of his Stepdad, and for whatever reason late one July night I received an interesting phone call from a very drunk friend.....guess who? B said that he had been thinking of me lately and was wondering if he could come and visit me in Grand Rapids. I had just graduated from Northwestern, and by this time B was in his third year of Law School. I couldn't see the harm in seeing him so we made official plans and B came to see me in GR. I remember the first visit like it was yesterday.

Megs, Nick, and I were all living together in the Tremont house and we had decided to have some friends over and to head to downtown GR. We started the night like we started many nights in those days, with a few beers, a round of shots, and a ride to the bar, courtesy of Megs and Mike. It was really a great night and B and I picked up where we left off. The only change, was that by now, both he and I were single. What started as a visit to GR every other week, quickly turned into a very serious romance. I knew that B was the one, and I only hoped that he too felt this way. Within months of dating, B said the words every woman longs to hear....."I Love You Lindsay." My heart swelled with joy and I just knew that fate had finally stepped in.

After B's graduation from Law School, we decided to try our hand in Chi-City. I, of course, was familiar with the town, and B too had lived and worked in Chicago during the summer months of Law School. After finding out that B had officially passed the bar, he and I started to build a life together in the Windy City. Both he and I had a close group of friends that had been living there, so our social networks were already in place. However it was only through B that I had the pleasure of meeting some of the most wonderful and most important people in the world to me C and D.

C and D are B's first cousins. They are both known to be tough cookies, but for me it was easy. I immediately fell in love with both of them. I just wanted to spend more and more time with them, and they quickly became some of my best friends. Chicago was easy with them by my side. If I needed to find a great club I called D and if I need to find a great restaurant I called C. On top of that C's husband was born and raised there so he too was a great resource during our time in Chicago. Additionally C has two beautiful little girls, and B and I were there to see them grow up.

B and I's love grew and blossomed in Chicago. We learned many tough lessons but we learned them together. Chicago holds so many memories for us. Chicago is where we got Bear, where we purchased our first home, and where we got engaged. It is the place where B did the things he enjoyed most in life, sports. It is through the softball leagues and golf that B and I also met some truly special people. Chicago will always mean something to B and I.

Fast-forward to August 8th, 2009, it is B and I's wedding day. The day I have waited for my whole life. I am one of my last friends to marry, but I know in my heart that B was worth the wait. The day is beyond perfect. We are surround by 250 loving family and friends. B looks so happy and so handsome and I just know that we were meant to be. The day goes by so fast and before you know it we are on our way to Coast Rica for our honeymoon. It is there that we decide it is time to make a change. We both hate our jobs in Chicago, and we both know that it is time to move, so back to the Mitten we go.

I move back to Michigan a few months before B. I do my best to lay the ground work in Michigan so that when B moves, everything is in place. I find us our rental home, I arrange for a move in date, and I patiently wait for my loving husband to arrive. Moving back to Michigan was easy. Both B and I are from Michigan and we both have friends and family very close. The transition was seamless. I landed a great job at OAM and B, a full time teaching position at Grand Valley. Things couldn't be better!

It is now January 2010 and B is complaining of a sports injury. I encourage him to see a Dr.......and you all know the story from here.

Unfortunately B passed away last night. B's fight against Cancer came to an official close. And it's not because he is quit, because he didn't, it's just the cancer was too strong and too advanced. We simply ran out of options.

It almost seems surreal to say he's gone. I went home tonight and it took my breath away. He is everywhere and in everything, it is hard to do much of anything. I am so scared and so lost. I guess I will be seeing him in my dreams. We all lost so much because he is and was a wonderful, loving, supportive, funny, handsome, kind, caring, compassionate, competitive, man. He is my heart, my best friend in life, my soul mate. He will be with us forever in spirit. So I guess you could say this is the end of the blog. We appreciate all the love, support, and prayers during this most difficult time.

B, B's family, Me, and my family don't intend to return phone call or emails at this time. We just don't want anyone to have hurt feeling, but listen this entire process has been exhausting. I just don't have the energy to talk about what's going on.

All of you that have had the pleasure of knowing B are truly blessed. B is special plain and simple! I will post funeral arrangements on the blog shortly as we are still working out the details.

A Time for Change

B and I have officially been at Spectrum for the past 5 weeks and we have come to realize that it is time for a change. As of tomorrow B and I will be moving to Trillium Woods in Grand Rapids Michigan. This is a hospice home. For most of us, including B and I, hospice is a very scary word. But only in learning what hospice really represents have we come to appreciate what hospice has to offer. Hospice offers what Spectrum has been lacking and that is hope. As Dr. # 12 said, "Dum Spiro Spero", While I breathe, I hope. This happens to be the state motto for South Carolina, and we are living and breathing by these inspiring words.

We hope that B feels better, that B walks again, and that B has time to rest and heal. At this point we are stopping treatment, but that does not mean that we won't revisit treatment. B's body just needs a break and we intend to give it the break it has earned over the past 11 months. From what I understand Trillium Woods is wonderful and offers a family environment. I am sure that we will enjoy our time there and once we get settled I am sure that B and I will be open for visits.

It has been a long and tiring 5 weeks and we are much looking forward to the change. B and I are heading out early tomorrow morning. It is the prison break we have been talking about. We intend to celebrate Turkey Day with D Bone, B's Lil Bro, Nanc, Big D, and possibly Jr. It should be a nice day and we are glad to be together.

I guess I wanted to let people know that we are changing residence and to let you all know where to find us. I promise to update more after this newest transition. We appreciate the thoughts and prayers.

Look for more updates in the future and thanks again for stopping by.

You Win Some, You Lose Some...More Like You Lose Some and Then You Lose Some More!

Today marks 4 weeks and 1 day that B has been in the hospital, but who's counting right? At this point I don't really know what to say. B's condition is much the same. Unfortuantley the Dr.'s have yet to hit the sweet spot with B's pain meds. It was early Monday morning when Dr. # 4 came into B's room and was very disturbed. B's pain was so bad that he was yelping like a wounded seal. His face was so twisted, and I think he said the "F" word over 30 times. Dr. # 4 said that he was going to consult with Dr. # 12 about a new course of treatment.

Dr. # 4 felt it might be time to try samarium. This drug is actually a radioactive isotope. It is given as an infusion and is used to treat bone pain in patients with serious metastatic bone involvement. It has proven to be very effective and very fast acting in treating bone pain. It is usually used to treat patients with prostate cancer, however at this point, Dr. # 4 thought that it would be valuable to give it a whirl. The only problem with samarium is that is can really lower the blood counts, and could effect B's chemotherapy treatments. But at this point getting the pain in check is everyone's primary goal.

Dr. # 4 consulted with Dr. # 12 and they both decided it was a go. So yesterday B had to have a bone scan and actually had to be moved to a lead insulated room. This is standard hospital protocol for someone who is receiving radiation treatment, and who effectively glows in the dark. I often times flashed to the opening scenes of the Simpson's where Homer is holding radioactive bar just before if flies into his protective suit....you all know what I'm talking about. Last night around 6, B was taken to the basement and the bone scan was set in motion. It was absolutely the most horrify experience both D Bone and I have had to date. B was screaming so loud that my heart was racing, and I actually had to tell myself to calm down. He was crying for them to stop to the test, and he invented new swear words. He was blending shit and damn and it came out shadamn. I all but wanted to cry....all I can say is disturbing.

So now it is 7 or so and we are back in his new room, trying to calm him down. Finally after a few hours he was back to resting comfortably....phew. By this time Dr. # 12 stopped in to see how things were going. We spent some time together and I had a few questions including the purpose of the bone scan. He said that he needed the bone scan as a baseline to chart any progress and that we were definitely a go for tomorrow with the samarium. B, D Bone, Auntie R, and I were all looking forward to the shot and to the possible benefit it could provide.

I had visions of B feeling better and being able to enjoy Thanksgiving with his loving family. I dreamed of us walking together on the beach, holding hands, watching Bear splash around in the water. All I want is for B and I getting some normalcy back. It pains me to go home and see pictures from our wedding. I want to throw them out the window. I still can't believe this is happening to B. But as I said I had hopes that God would come to the rescue with this shot. I knew it was going to be the answer we had been waiting for.

Now it is Wednesday, and I have come over to the hosptial on my lunch to spend time with B and check in. Coincidentally Dr. # 12 showed up and informed us that B didn't qualify for the shot. It just figures. He said that he didn't know there was a prerequisite to getting the injection and only after reviewing the scan and talking to the radiologists did he learn that B couldn't get the shot. I about died. D Bone had tears in her eyes. I was able to hold it together to get the information from Dr. # 12, but burst into tears the minute I got back to work. You just can't image our disappointment. I guess there two types of metastatic bone cancers, and B has osteolytic bone disease, eliminating him from this treatment. Dr. # 12 explained that B's bone disease is an erosive bone disease and the shot would be useless for treating pain. Again, I still can't believe it, and I'm crying now as i relive this experience again through the blog. This picture says it all!

So what does this mean for B? Not sure. Not sure how they next plan to treat the pain. And just imagine how hard it was to tell B. He almost cried too. Everyone keeps saying we are going to catch a break, but when? When is this break coming? I'd sure like to know!

There also has been talks of inducing B into a coma for 72 hours, but this would be a last resort. Dr. # 12 said that it might help to reset B's pain receptors, but B would have to go on a feeding tube, and most likely a ventilator with the possibility of intubation. I don't know about you all, but that sounds like a load of shit to me. Again the Dr.'s plan to adjust the meds and to try new things so we have hope that something will work. I am a small person, with a small heart, and it has been broken time and time again. I am not giving up hope and I am not quitting the fight, nor is D Bone or B, but this fight is kicking our butts. I will never quit fighting for B, I love him with my small heart. It would be a gross understatement to say that we're tired, we are beyond tired.

We hope for better days ahead, for B's pain to go away, and for a cure for his disease. Thanks again for the prayers, support, and gifts.

Love always,
L

If you don't have anything nice to say.......

So B and I are quickly approaching the 4 week mark at our latest residence 5 south. It would be an understatement saying that this rodeo is getting old and fast. It is hard to believe that when we came here almost 4 weeks ago, we both only thought that we would be here a few days, boy were we wrong. The reason I haven't blogged in so long is because I don't have anything good to report. You all know what your moms say when you don't have anything good to say.......if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all. Well that was the philosophy that I have been following, but I thought that everyone might be a bit curious as to what is going on, so here is a quick update.

I guess I wish that I had more to update, but at this point not much has changed. B is continually in constant pain. Even with the addition of the interthecal catheter, not much has been accomplished in terms of putting the pain to bed, so to speak. B is still on IV Ketamine, a new drug, Sufentayl, Prialt in the pain pump, Valium, and IV Methadone and nothing seems to be helping. The Dr.'s are working tirelessly to get B some relief but they are still missing the mark. For much of the day B is sleeping, which is good since he is behind on almost 10 months of sleep, however during his waking hours, 2-3 hours per day, he is in terrible pain, and it is very difficult to quiet him down. It seems the only thing that takes his mind off the pain is massages. There are some days when he is getting more than just one massage, and even that is not enough.

We are even looking to alternative options at this point. I have reached out to an internal medicine Dr. who specializes in acupuncture. I guess you could say we are desperate, more than desperate. And to be honest I am not sure what we are doing here in the hospital. It doesn't seem like we are gaining any ground so why not let us go home. I am sure we could arrange for the delivery of a hospital bed, and an at home RN to manage the IV pain meds, so why not put that option on the table? For a while there I wasn't' sure that B really wanted to go home, but as of late he is expressing some interested in getting the hell out of here too. Enough is enough, and I will be damned if we spend Thanksgiving here. I mean it, it will break my spirit. I can't handle it, just can't!

B also has had two rounds of chemo since our stay here. Chemo is currently in full swing. The new chemo is every week and B seems to be tolerating this new treatment well. So far he has not experienced any significant side effects so that is a positive. This chemo is directed to treat upper GI cancer, and Dr. # 4 is hoping for some signs of improvemnt. He hopes that this chemo shrinks some of the newest tumors and helps to prevent any further spread of the disease. Dr. # 4 hopes to complete between 4 and 6 rounds before evaluating any progress. I would suspect that Dr. #4 will rescan B in a month or so. We also have radiation as an additional option, plus a possible one time shot, that is also a form of radiation to help in relieving some of B's pain. However we can't visit radiation until chemo is complete since doing both at the same time could really lower B's blood counts.

I honestly mean it when I say that I have never never never never seen anyone suffer as much as I have seen B suffer. No one can really understand or appreciate the situation unless they are here to see it/live it/breath it. Many people say they understand B's pain, but they don't, they can't because the pain is so intense that many people would not be able to handle it. Nothing that I write in the blog even comes close to descrbing B's pain, plain and simple.

Please don't forget prayers for B, for his pain, and for a cure to his cancer. The hope is still alive and team Muttz will be home soon!

Plan for the Future

It has now been over 2 weeks and B and I are still posting up here on 5 south. This week we faced many hard decisions. Following our shocking news on Saturday, B and I had to play a long game of hurry up and wait. It is a fact that not much happens in the hospital over the weekend so we had many questions that we wanted answered, but we had to wait for Monday, when everyone came back to work.

So first things first, we met with Dr. # 4 and he again explained to us that the cancer had spread quite a bit in the spine. He reported that a large amount of the spread is in the lumbar spine, but that many other areas of the spine are also affected. Dr. # 4 presented many scenarios, leaving us with a tough decision. He explained that with B having severe pain, he could recommend radiation to the most problematic spots. The problem is there are too many spots in the spine to radiate them all. So we could pick and choose which ones to radiate and go from there. Dr. # 4 said that radiation is simply for pain management and will not help in treating/controlling/preventing the cancer from spreading. Radiation is not cancer preventing but is strictly used for pain management. Dr. # 4 also presented scenario number 2, where we would start chemo this week. The chemo we hope will work in treating the cancer, preventing further spread, and effectively shrink the tumors (providing some relief). However Dr. # 4 said that there is no guarantee that B is going to feel better in terms of his pain and that the chemo may make him feel worse. And then there is scenario numbero 3, where we start chemo, and return to radiation later, or maybe somewhere in between chemo treatments. We simply can't do both at the same time....to risky for B's health.

This obliviously is the hardest decision we've had to make, and there are pros and cons to all 3 situations. After much deliberation with Dr.'s and family, we decided to move forward with the chemo. The new chemo will be a chemo directed at treating upper GI cancer and B starts treatment here in the hospital tomorrow. Chemo is going to run every week and will continue for 2 months, at which point they will rescan B and figure out if we are on the right track. Dr. # 4 feels this is a good decision, and like he said B can always revisit radiation later, so fingers crossed that this chemo works.

In addition B is feeling much better and has seemed to shake the C Diff. The antiobiotics seemed to have done their job and we hope to never, and I mean never, meet Mr. C Diff again. Dr. # 12 and 15 continue to work together to dial in the right mix of pain meds, and at this time they have adjusted the rate and amount of meds in his catheter 3 times. Dr. # 15 wants to be sure we are taking things slow since the prialt aka snail poison can have major hallucinogen effects. We have to make sure that B is not hearing voices and that he is accepting this amount of prialt appropriately. So far so good.

As for getting the hell out of here, not sure. We asked Dr. # 4 his feelings on getting B home and he said that right now B is too unstable to leave the hospital. He feels that B needs to be monitored closely and he feels that if we head home, we will most likely end up right back here on 5 south. So if you need us you know where to find us.

Lastly, the staff is working hard to get B more mobile. He pretty much has been in bed for the past 2 weeks and as a result he has developed 2 bed sores. They are stage 1, but still very very painful. The RN's are keeping a close eye on things and are trying hard to move him around every few hours. It is our goal to get B out of bed 3 times a day. We don't need any more problems at this point, that is for sure.

I promise to update as we learn more. Thanks again for the support and prayers.