Gooble, Gooble

First off, I hope that everyone was able to enjoy themselves over this past holiday weekend. I have been in Greenville since late Wednesday night. I started my weekend off at Salon Re, where I got a cut and color with one of my favorite people in the world, Joy....I mean who else can say that their stylist gave them a bottle, yes people a bottle of wine to take home. She even made a custom label for the wine at a benefit, and had the bottle chilled and waiting for me just because she knew this Holiday was going to be a rough one.

The plan was for an early morning Thanksgiving Day deer hunt, but Jr. thought that going hunting was a horrible idea. He was certain, that in the event we actually got a deer, I would go over the edge seeing it die. I guess Jr. is smarter than I thought....he's right, what a bad idea. Not to mention Big D told me the only way I could go hunting was to take a shower and wash my hair. Are you kidding me? I just got my hair done.....no way Don, not happening. So I stayed back and waited for the Courterier crew to arrive. I have to say, I was anxious all day long. I cried, and smiled, and cried, and smiled, and drank, and smiled, and cried, and drank. It was hard to believe that Ben was not with me on Turkey Day. This was the first TThanksgivingn without him in 6 years. Ben and I made a network of family and friends in Chicago. We were always with our "family" around the Holiday. Many nights out with our closest friends the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Having one drink to ensure that everyone made their flights, or trips home for the Holiday. When we lived in Chicago we spent the Holiday at Cari's. Her dinners were always so wonderful, and it was pretty convenient seeing that we only lived 15 minutes away. The entire Resnick crew was always in town, so Ben and I were with our family....our Chicago family. I'll never forget making my famous salad with toasted pecans. It was the first time I/We ever brought a dish to pass, and I was nervous. The salad turned out great....even Ben loved it. And for Ben to say he loved a salad is impressive. This is coming for a guy who always said a salad was not a meal, rather a side dish. Ironic considering all I ever eat is salad. And Cari put my mind at ease with her honey cake story. Nothing can be worse than Cari's honey cake story. The guys watched the Lions and the ladies cooked and gossiped....just as it should be.

Or there were the years spent in the D at Tam. Another tradition that Ben and I loved. It was a Turkey Dinner in true style....everyone dressed to the 9's, sharing drinks and laughs. It was at Tam that Ben rocked his mustache and where Scott, Ben's cuz told him that his mustache made him look dignified. Dignified...yeah right, Ben looked anything but dignified...he looked like a serial killer.

And then of course there was last year....omg. Dinner was spent together at Hospice. Don, Nanc , and Nick brought the entire Thanksgiving dinner to us. DBone, Michael, and I were there with Ben. By this time Ben was starting to leave us. He remained in his bed, while the rest of the family gathered on the other side of his room trying to find some joy...far reaching that's for sure. We had Thanksgiving dinner in the community kitchen at Trillium Woods. It was so sad, and I had a feeling this would be the last holiday I had with Ben. Ben did wake up a bit and had one piece of homemade Turkey, it was the best he could do. Jr. told me that Trillium Woods was the saddest place he had ever been and that he was sorry but that he could not come back.....his eyes filled with tears. There lay Ben, his "brother", hardly hanging on, almost unrecognizable to us at this point, completely debilitated, completely removed. If I close my eyes, I can see this day in my head. I can tell you what everyone wore, and where everyone sat. I remember it like it was yesterday.

And now here I sit this early Sunday morning, recapping this years Turkey Day. So much has changed for the Homrich Family in the past year. The kids are all a year older, and much smarter. You can't get much by them anymore. They are so cute...my buddies. However it was the first Homrich Turkey Day without BMuttz. It was hard. I am the only one at the table without someone, but I should have someone, I did have someone. But even more unnerving to me, is thinking about Ben. Is he alone on Thanksgiving? I have my family, and friends, more than loving people, but Ben, does Ben have the same network? Can you image how scared he was to leave Earth? Knowing he was going to a place where none of us would be, a place he had to travel to alone. He had to have been terrified. Shit it terrifies me to think about it. But he never showed fear. Maybe that was for me. Maybe he was trying to stay brave for me, so that I wouldn't be scared and so that I would say goodbye and let him go. I guess I will never know...that is until it's my time. What a cluster.....what a cluster.

And of course there is Monday....Monday, Monday. Monday marks the one year anniversary of Ben's passing. It was the single worst day of my life. I can say in full confidence that it will forever remain the worst day of my life "as long as we both shall live". I'm not even going to rehash this day....it's just too hard. I considered taking a small vacation as a means to get away and heal, but I am saving my vaca for this winter when the weather is unbearable...look out NC and Mexico here I come. Yes plans are in the works to get me the H out of Michigan.

I have to say though, that I have made some progress in my journey. My closest family and friends spent the weekend sharing funny stories about Ben. We laughed and cried. And I am so happy living at Boardwalk. It is a great place for me and Bear. I love my friends, and I love my digs. My Boardwalk friends are adventurous and they push me to get back out in the world, and for that I'm thankful. Now to decide whether or not to decorate the house for the holidays. It is something that Ben would insist on doing, but it is something I am not sure I am ready to do. I have tons of funny Christmas stories that I will share in the upcoming weeks. These are stories worth reading. Ben was one hell of a funny guy....no doubt about that. Not a day goes by that I don't think about Ben. That I don't wonder what he's doing. I wish I had some answers, something to give me comfort that everything is going to be alright.

So for now I keep moving forward. I keep loyal to my friends, and of course my Spartans. Please please let the Spartans make it to the Rose Bowl....gosh would that be awesome or what?