Amor Eterno

Wow Wow Wow....what a weekend. It all started last Thursday, when I made the long and quiet road trip to the D. You see last weekend was Tony's wedding, and I flew out of Detroit, with DBone and Bradley...B's Cuz..correction my Cuz. Road trips are the worst. The quiet of the car leads the mind to places, that otherwise would go unvisited. I thought long and hard about the last year of my life. About how much we were all going to miss Ben at the wedding. I arrived in the D just in time to hit the hay. It was a night filled with little sleep. It was the first time that I slept all alone at Dianne's. Usually I have the dog, but not even Bear made the trip. I laid on the couch, under Ben's tee shirt blanket, staring at the ceiling, counting sheep, hoping to catch an hour of sleep. I kept sitting up and staring at the other side of the couch, empty, cold, and quiet. It was so strange. It was strange to think that on Friday, I was going to make the trip to Vegas, to watch Ben's best bud get married. I kept thinking...wth. I finally feel asleep only to wake up, with the same anxiety I had when I went to sleep. All I could think about was how happy and proud Ben would be to see Tony marry Xazmin. He would have been smiling ear to ear.

So early Friday morning, D Bone, Brad, and I boarded a plane for Vegas. We arrived at the Golden Nugget Hotel in the old part of Vegas.....let the fun begin. Truth be told, I hate gambling, so one might think....what else is there to do in Vegas. Well I kept myself entertained with hours of people watching, poolside reading, and cocktail sipping. D Bone, and Brad on the other hand love to gamble, so Vegas is like Disney World to them and they immediately hit the machines and tables. I did sit down a few times to play black jack, but didn't end up winning anything until Saturday night at the craps table.....more to come on that. D Bone, Brad, and I ended up hanging out alone until late afternoon, when some of the college crew started rolling in....oh boy oh boy. Just seeing Chris, Kris, and Alejandro took my breath away. Here I was at the wedding of Ben's best friend, representing him, honoring Tony, trying to hold it together. The crew of 6 spent some time at the bar patiently waiting for Tony to arrive.....the anxiety mounted.

Earlier that day I met Tony's parents for the first time. I immediately burst into tears. Ben loved them so much, and both his parents and I knew so much about each other, and here we stood face to face without Ben for our first introduction. They are so nice, and it is understandable why Ben loved them so much. He called them his second parents. I could see the hurt in their faces too. Fortunately I am the master at turning a quick cry, into a huge smile....game on. Finally the man of the hour arrived. Tony looked so happy, I wrapped my arms around him as fast as I could. I can't look at Tony without seeing Ben, so my instinct was to hug him, and blink back the tears. He pulled away as said out loud just what I was thinking...."it is so good to see you, but I can hardly look at you without seeing Ben." I turned to the right, and there D Bone sat balling her eyes out....shit, what a mess, what a frickin mess.

I just kept telling myself that this weekend was not about you or Ben....it was about Tony and X. It was about a perfect union. It is what most people live for, and with this in mind I was able to push back my sadness and surge on. The entire crew of 9 of us decided to spend the evening out on the town celebrating. And celebrate we did. What was funny about the whole weekend was that the boys treated me like they treated Ben....teasing me, joking around, punching me in the arm. I think at one point, I had to tell Brad to take it easy on my arm, and had to remind him that I am not Ben and that he was going to bruise my arm. On top of that the guys kept giving me a hard time about my dress. It was a bit risky, but where else can you where a dress like that. Tony said "I sure hope you didn't meet my mom in that dress!" I about died. And then Brad said something about me working the corner, and Tony actually had gin and tonic come squirting out his nose.....just like one of the guys. But don't think I didn't give it right back.

Tony and I spent some time talking about Ben, and how much we loved him....missed him. It was refreshing, refreshing to know that everyone missed Ben. Dan told me that he was going to hang his "we got this" blue bracelet at his parents home in Maine. Maine meant so much to Ben...what an honor. The crew ended up at a bar/dance club, and capped off the night, or morning, at a gin bar.....score!!!! I love me some Gin and Tonics. I managed to play it pretty safe, so come Saturday I was feeling pretty great, however that was not the case for everyone. Saturday started early. The entire crew got up before 9 am to be down to the sports book in time to watch the Spartans play. It was amazing to be able to watch every game all at once. I love college football, so this was right up my alley. D Bone even came, however she wandered off for some time and came back to announce that she had just won 950 bucks in a penny slot machine....why does that never happen for me? I'll tell you why....I have no luck.....zero, zilch. We ended up watching all the early games before parting ways. I landed myself pool side where I passed out for 3 hours. I woke up to OPP blasting, with the sun blazing. It took me a few minutes to figure out where I was....oh yes Lindsay you are in Vegas. By this time, I needed to get up and get ready for the wedding....oh boy.

In all fairness the wedding was perfect, it was great. I thought it would be harder than it was. It didn't come without challanges, but I did it, and I am so glad I did. Xazmin looked radiant, and Tony was speechless. The wedding was very Spanish, a testament to both Tony and Xazmin. Outfitted with a true Mariachi Band, and vows in espanol. Their vows were so touching, however to be honest, I kept looking for Ben. Where was he? How could this be? I know Tony felt his absence too. It is so hard for me to hear the "till death do us part", in any wedding ceremony. It makes me so sad....I cried. I cried for so many reasons. Following the wedding we all moved inside. I was holding it together until Tony approached us wearing a cauliflower boutonniere. It was a true surprise to him too. This just goes to show how much Xazmin and her family honor, and love Tony. They obviously knew the story from our wedding about how the boys switched out Ben's rose for a piece of cauliflower. There Tony stood with a perfect looking cauliflower boutonniere. I couldn't take it.....D Bone and I ran into the bathroom. I was now beyond crying, and into what I would classify as a full out sob. Forget the make up....I now looked like Marlyn Manson....oh well. I'm not sure how I got it together but dammit I did. I thought to myself, I am done crying, we got this....wrong again. Next in line, the slide show and the table number. The table number was a picture of Pen Pen, Tony and Xazmin's dog wearing Ben's we got this bracelets. Oh my God. And to think Xazmin's family included Ben in so much of the wedding....what an honor. Great people, great people. And then the pictures flashed. It is one thing to look at pictures of B, but to see a picture of him that I have never seen, is like seeing him for the first time. Water works in full gear....shit. Again I get it together, but by now, I am rocking the all natural look, what a loser right? Well I can honestly say this was the last time I cried all night.

Let the dancing begin. Nothing like dancing your worries away. I had a great time. I love Tony and Xazmin and all the guys for being my friend, for caring for me, for loving me. I am so honored to be able to say that I was a part of Tony's special day. Shit I even got a cigar to smoke with the guys. I puffed on that Romeo and Juliet like a true champ. The night ended back at the hotel where Dave and I played some craps, and as I mentioned before I won. Dave dubbed me lady luck....we had a great time. I love throwing the dice. And before I knew it, it was 3 am, and I had to be up by 5 for my flight......not advised, not advised at all. But there is something to be said about hanging out with the crew and fitting in. The guys treat Katie and I like one of them. It is so important to me to be able to get along with my husbands' friends. After all, they are such an integral part of his life. They helped shape him into a man. I would hate it if the didn't like me, so I hope in writing this, that they really do, otherwise I'm in trouble. Not to mention I love all the girls. Pat said it best, "Every one of us guys out kicked the coverage. Gosh did we all get lucky."

Well thanks again to Tony and Xazmin for a perfect wedding, a perfect weekend, and for thinking to include Ben and I in the happiest day of your lives. Tony your best man was there. He was watching all of us, smiling....he is proud of you man, so proud.