Gooble, Gooble

First off, I hope that everyone was able to enjoy themselves over this past holiday weekend. I have been in Greenville since late Wednesday night. I started my weekend off at Salon Re, where I got a cut and color with one of my favorite people in the world, Joy....I mean who else can say that their stylist gave them a bottle, yes people a bottle of wine to take home. She even made a custom label for the wine at a benefit, and had the bottle chilled and waiting for me just because she knew this Holiday was going to be a rough one.

The plan was for an early morning Thanksgiving Day deer hunt, but Jr. thought that going hunting was a horrible idea. He was certain, that in the event we actually got a deer, I would go over the edge seeing it die. I guess Jr. is smarter than I thought....he's right, what a bad idea. Not to mention Big D told me the only way I could go hunting was to take a shower and wash my hair. Are you kidding me? I just got my hair done.....no way Don, not happening. So I stayed back and waited for the Courterier crew to arrive. I have to say, I was anxious all day long. I cried, and smiled, and cried, and smiled, and drank, and smiled, and cried, and drank. It was hard to believe that Ben was not with me on Turkey Day. This was the first TThanksgivingn without him in 6 years. Ben and I made a network of family and friends in Chicago. We were always with our "family" around the Holiday. Many nights out with our closest friends the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Having one drink to ensure that everyone made their flights, or trips home for the Holiday. When we lived in Chicago we spent the Holiday at Cari's. Her dinners were always so wonderful, and it was pretty convenient seeing that we only lived 15 minutes away. The entire Resnick crew was always in town, so Ben and I were with our family....our Chicago family. I'll never forget making my famous salad with toasted pecans. It was the first time I/We ever brought a dish to pass, and I was nervous. The salad turned out great....even Ben loved it. And for Ben to say he loved a salad is impressive. This is coming for a guy who always said a salad was not a meal, rather a side dish. Ironic considering all I ever eat is salad. And Cari put my mind at ease with her honey cake story. Nothing can be worse than Cari's honey cake story. The guys watched the Lions and the ladies cooked and gossiped....just as it should be.

Or there were the years spent in the D at Tam. Another tradition that Ben and I loved. It was a Turkey Dinner in true style....everyone dressed to the 9's, sharing drinks and laughs. It was at Tam that Ben rocked his mustache and where Scott, Ben's cuz told him that his mustache made him look dignified. Dignified...yeah right, Ben looked anything but dignified...he looked like a serial killer.

And then of course there was last year....omg. Dinner was spent together at Hospice. Don, Nanc , and Nick brought the entire Thanksgiving dinner to us. DBone, Michael, and I were there with Ben. By this time Ben was starting to leave us. He remained in his bed, while the rest of the family gathered on the other side of his room trying to find some joy...far reaching that's for sure. We had Thanksgiving dinner in the community kitchen at Trillium Woods. It was so sad, and I had a feeling this would be the last holiday I had with Ben. Ben did wake up a bit and had one piece of homemade Turkey, it was the best he could do. Jr. told me that Trillium Woods was the saddest place he had ever been and that he was sorry but that he could not come back.....his eyes filled with tears. There lay Ben, his "brother", hardly hanging on, almost unrecognizable to us at this point, completely debilitated, completely removed. If I close my eyes, I can see this day in my head. I can tell you what everyone wore, and where everyone sat. I remember it like it was yesterday.

And now here I sit this early Sunday morning, recapping this years Turkey Day. So much has changed for the Homrich Family in the past year. The kids are all a year older, and much smarter. You can't get much by them anymore. They are so cute...my buddies. However it was the first Homrich Turkey Day without BMuttz. It was hard. I am the only one at the table without someone, but I should have someone, I did have someone. But even more unnerving to me, is thinking about Ben. Is he alone on Thanksgiving? I have my family, and friends, more than loving people, but Ben, does Ben have the same network? Can you image how scared he was to leave Earth? Knowing he was going to a place where none of us would be, a place he had to travel to alone. He had to have been terrified. Shit it terrifies me to think about it. But he never showed fear. Maybe that was for me. Maybe he was trying to stay brave for me, so that I wouldn't be scared and so that I would say goodbye and let him go. I guess I will never know...that is until it's my time. What a cluster.....what a cluster.

And of course there is Monday....Monday, Monday. Monday marks the one year anniversary of Ben's passing. It was the single worst day of my life. I can say in full confidence that it will forever remain the worst day of my life "as long as we both shall live". I'm not even going to rehash this day....it's just too hard. I considered taking a small vacation as a means to get away and heal, but I am saving my vaca for this winter when the weather is unbearable...look out NC and Mexico here I come. Yes plans are in the works to get me the H out of Michigan.

I have to say though, that I have made some progress in my journey. My closest family and friends spent the weekend sharing funny stories about Ben. We laughed and cried. And I am so happy living at Boardwalk. It is a great place for me and Bear. I love my friends, and I love my digs. My Boardwalk friends are adventurous and they push me to get back out in the world, and for that I'm thankful. Now to decide whether or not to decorate the house for the holidays. It is something that Ben would insist on doing, but it is something I am not sure I am ready to do. I have tons of funny Christmas stories that I will share in the upcoming weeks. These are stories worth reading. Ben was one hell of a funny guy....no doubt about that. Not a day goes by that I don't think about Ben. That I don't wonder what he's doing. I wish I had some answers, something to give me comfort that everything is going to be alright.

So for now I keep moving forward. I keep loyal to my friends, and of course my Spartans. Please please let the Spartans make it to the Rose Bowl....gosh would that be awesome or what?

Amor Eterno

Wow Wow Wow....what a weekend. It all started last Thursday, when I made the long and quiet road trip to the D. You see last weekend was Tony's wedding, and I flew out of Detroit, with DBone and Bradley...B's Cuz..correction my Cuz. Road trips are the worst. The quiet of the car leads the mind to places, that otherwise would go unvisited. I thought long and hard about the last year of my life. About how much we were all going to miss Ben at the wedding. I arrived in the D just in time to hit the hay. It was a night filled with little sleep. It was the first time that I slept all alone at Dianne's. Usually I have the dog, but not even Bear made the trip. I laid on the couch, under Ben's tee shirt blanket, staring at the ceiling, counting sheep, hoping to catch an hour of sleep. I kept sitting up and staring at the other side of the couch, empty, cold, and quiet. It was so strange. It was strange to think that on Friday, I was going to make the trip to Vegas, to watch Ben's best bud get married. I kept thinking...wth. I finally feel asleep only to wake up, with the same anxiety I had when I went to sleep. All I could think about was how happy and proud Ben would be to see Tony marry Xazmin. He would have been smiling ear to ear.

So early Friday morning, D Bone, Brad, and I boarded a plane for Vegas. We arrived at the Golden Nugget Hotel in the old part of Vegas.....let the fun begin. Truth be told, I hate gambling, so one might think....what else is there to do in Vegas. Well I kept myself entertained with hours of people watching, poolside reading, and cocktail sipping. D Bone, and Brad on the other hand love to gamble, so Vegas is like Disney World to them and they immediately hit the machines and tables. I did sit down a few times to play black jack, but didn't end up winning anything until Saturday night at the craps table.....more to come on that. D Bone, Brad, and I ended up hanging out alone until late afternoon, when some of the college crew started rolling in....oh boy oh boy. Just seeing Chris, Kris, and Alejandro took my breath away. Here I was at the wedding of Ben's best friend, representing him, honoring Tony, trying to hold it together. The crew of 6 spent some time at the bar patiently waiting for Tony to arrive.....the anxiety mounted.

Earlier that day I met Tony's parents for the first time. I immediately burst into tears. Ben loved them so much, and both his parents and I knew so much about each other, and here we stood face to face without Ben for our first introduction. They are so nice, and it is understandable why Ben loved them so much. He called them his second parents. I could see the hurt in their faces too. Fortunately I am the master at turning a quick cry, into a huge smile....game on. Finally the man of the hour arrived. Tony looked so happy, I wrapped my arms around him as fast as I could. I can't look at Tony without seeing Ben, so my instinct was to hug him, and blink back the tears. He pulled away as said out loud just what I was thinking...."it is so good to see you, but I can hardly look at you without seeing Ben." I turned to the right, and there D Bone sat balling her eyes out....shit, what a mess, what a frickin mess.

I just kept telling myself that this weekend was not about you or Ben....it was about Tony and X. It was about a perfect union. It is what most people live for, and with this in mind I was able to push back my sadness and surge on. The entire crew of 9 of us decided to spend the evening out on the town celebrating. And celebrate we did. What was funny about the whole weekend was that the boys treated me like they treated Ben....teasing me, joking around, punching me in the arm. I think at one point, I had to tell Brad to take it easy on my arm, and had to remind him that I am not Ben and that he was going to bruise my arm. On top of that the guys kept giving me a hard time about my dress. It was a bit risky, but where else can you where a dress like that. Tony said "I sure hope you didn't meet my mom in that dress!" I about died. And then Brad said something about me working the corner, and Tony actually had gin and tonic come squirting out his nose.....just like one of the guys. But don't think I didn't give it right back.

Tony and I spent some time talking about Ben, and how much we loved him....missed him. It was refreshing, refreshing to know that everyone missed Ben. Dan told me that he was going to hang his "we got this" blue bracelet at his parents home in Maine. Maine meant so much to Ben...what an honor. The crew ended up at a bar/dance club, and capped off the night, or morning, at a gin bar.....score!!!! I love me some Gin and Tonics. I managed to play it pretty safe, so come Saturday I was feeling pretty great, however that was not the case for everyone. Saturday started early. The entire crew got up before 9 am to be down to the sports book in time to watch the Spartans play. It was amazing to be able to watch every game all at once. I love college football, so this was right up my alley. D Bone even came, however she wandered off for some time and came back to announce that she had just won 950 bucks in a penny slot machine....why does that never happen for me? I'll tell you why....I have no luck.....zero, zilch. We ended up watching all the early games before parting ways. I landed myself pool side where I passed out for 3 hours. I woke up to OPP blasting, with the sun blazing. It took me a few minutes to figure out where I was....oh yes Lindsay you are in Vegas. By this time, I needed to get up and get ready for the wedding....oh boy.

In all fairness the wedding was perfect, it was great. I thought it would be harder than it was. It didn't come without challanges, but I did it, and I am so glad I did. Xazmin looked radiant, and Tony was speechless. The wedding was very Spanish, a testament to both Tony and Xazmin. Outfitted with a true Mariachi Band, and vows in espanol. Their vows were so touching, however to be honest, I kept looking for Ben. Where was he? How could this be? I know Tony felt his absence too. It is so hard for me to hear the "till death do us part", in any wedding ceremony. It makes me so sad....I cried. I cried for so many reasons. Following the wedding we all moved inside. I was holding it together until Tony approached us wearing a cauliflower boutonniere. It was a true surprise to him too. This just goes to show how much Xazmin and her family honor, and love Tony. They obviously knew the story from our wedding about how the boys switched out Ben's rose for a piece of cauliflower. There Tony stood with a perfect looking cauliflower boutonniere. I couldn't take it.....D Bone and I ran into the bathroom. I was now beyond crying, and into what I would classify as a full out sob. Forget the make up....I now looked like Marlyn Manson....oh well. I'm not sure how I got it together but dammit I did. I thought to myself, I am done crying, we got this....wrong again. Next in line, the slide show and the table number. The table number was a picture of Pen Pen, Tony and Xazmin's dog wearing Ben's we got this bracelets. Oh my God. And to think Xazmin's family included Ben in so much of the wedding....what an honor. Great people, great people. And then the pictures flashed. It is one thing to look at pictures of B, but to see a picture of him that I have never seen, is like seeing him for the first time. Water works in full gear....shit. Again I get it together, but by now, I am rocking the all natural look, what a loser right? Well I can honestly say this was the last time I cried all night.

Let the dancing begin. Nothing like dancing your worries away. I had a great time. I love Tony and Xazmin and all the guys for being my friend, for caring for me, for loving me. I am so honored to be able to say that I was a part of Tony's special day. Shit I even got a cigar to smoke with the guys. I puffed on that Romeo and Juliet like a true champ. The night ended back at the hotel where Dave and I played some craps, and as I mentioned before I won. Dave dubbed me lady luck....we had a great time. I love throwing the dice. And before I knew it, it was 3 am, and I had to be up by 5 for my flight......not advised, not advised at all. But there is something to be said about hanging out with the crew and fitting in. The guys treat Katie and I like one of them. It is so important to me to be able to get along with my husbands' friends. After all, they are such an integral part of his life. They helped shape him into a man. I would hate it if the didn't like me, so I hope in writing this, that they really do, otherwise I'm in trouble. Not to mention I love all the girls. Pat said it best, "Every one of us guys out kicked the coverage. Gosh did we all get lucky."

Well thanks again to Tony and Xazmin for a perfect wedding, a perfect weekend, and for thinking to include Ben and I in the happiest day of your lives. Tony your best man was there. He was watching all of us, smiling....he is proud of you man, so proud.

My Homecoming

On the Banks of the Red Cedar.......
On the Banks of the Red Cedar is where I first spread my wings.....Ahhhh MSU, my home, my shelter, my past. This past weekend, I embarked on what I thought would be an impossible challenge. I questioned for some time now, whether or not I could ever go back to EL. After all, aside from my heart, there is no place on Earth that holds more Ben memories than the EL. Every close friend has a Ben Mutnick Michigan State Memory. Michigan State is where Ben and I met. Ben often joked that he fell in love with me, or was it my ass, during our VO2 max lab. His job was to stand behind me and catch me when I finally flew off the back of the treadmill. It was intense, but I found comfort in knowing that Ben was going to catch me when I fell. I knew every home he lived in, every street, every class, every teacher....we shared so much at Michigan State. We used to joke about bringing our kids back and showing them where we met. We dreamed of putting them in Michigan State gear.....loud sigh.

As you would expect, Saturday was beyond perfect. I went back to MSU to tailgate and for my first game with some old and new friends. It was like Ben ordered up the most perfect day for me to return to our alma mater. He was there....he was happy....I was indifferent. I can't deny having a great time, because I did. I played bags, caught a tan, went to the game, cheered my heart out. I got to show my new friends the campus and I got to reminisce about the good times, and the not so good times. Last years tailgate was miserable. I watched as Ben struggled to enjoy the day, to stay warm, to ward off the demons, to hide his pain. It took everything for me to act like a wife and not a mom last year. I was so worried he was going to catch a cold, or end up in the hospital, but I sensed that I needed to let him be....let him enjoy his happiest place on Earth. He needed to go back one last time, and he knew in his heart it was his last.

I cried once, and chocked back tears several times, but I did it. Smiled through the pain, just as Ben did last year. Again I climbed to the top of a very high mountain, and looked down, smiling at my accomplishment. I would bet that most people would never have guessed how hard it was for to be there. I suppose I can check this off my "bucket" list.

The next order of business is Tony's wedding, and the anniversary of Ben's death. Two more mountains that I will climb, and that I will conquer with dignity and pride. There are days when I wish I could take Bear and sail away from all my past, and all this hurt and emptiness, but I know in my heart, the hurt and emptiness would follow us. And then mama and I would be stuck in the middle of no where even more lost. It is my hope that the boat finds its way and directs us to the happiness that awaits.....but we are still waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and waiting. Unfortunately grief has a time line and mind of it's own. Yes, a loss like this takes 2-5 years to heal. One of my closest friends was shocked to hear this. But a loss of this magnitude takes time. It's not like a lost my family pet.....I lost my husband for gosh sakes.

So as the wedding of Ben's best friend in life approaches, I find it only appropriate to re-post Tony's tribute to Ben. It is super sad and beautiful, so if you have never read it, please prepare. Grab a glass of wine and some Kleenex and be sure to continue reading. You will not be disappointed, I promise you this. The good news is that I get to see "my crew" this weekend. The boys have been such a blessing to me. They are upholding the promise they made to Ben to watch out for me down here.

My Best Man

Posted By startswithanx on December 6, 2010

**Jake is guest blogging today. Brace yourself. It’s long – with excerpts taken from a 60-page document he wrote last week — but worth your time, especially if you’re a “Starts with an X” follower.**

X frantically shook me in the middle of the night, begging me to wake up.

“BMuttz is calling you,” she said. It was 1:30 a.m. and I stared at my phone in fear and disbelief. Was he really calling? It couldn’t be. It must be an accident, I thought. It’s 4:30 a.m. where he is. …

Still barely awake, stunned, not knowing if I was dreaming, I let the call go to voicemail. Together X and I listened to the message, and sure enough, it was him. His voice sent chills down my body. He sounded strained and fragile, like it was taking every ounce of energy to speak.

BMuttz wanted to talk to me. He was telling me he loved me. He was telling me how sorry he was he wasn’t going to make it to my wedding. I started crying, it was too much, I couldn’t listen to the rest of the message. I hung up.

This was no dream. …

Now, more awake than ever and feeling an adrenaline rush, I ran downstairs and called BMuttz back. I knew this would be a phone call I would remember for the rest of my life. Earlier in the day, I received the dreaded phone call from his wife, L, who reluctantly told me doctors gave her husband a maximum of three months to live. BMuttz has been fighting cancer since early this year, and everything the doctors have thrown at the disease has been in vain.

The chemotherapy: failed. The radiation: failed. The pain medicine: failed. Doctors were unable to figure out exactly what type of cancer was killing him. And to make it worse, BMuttz was enduring pain only few can fathom. He was living in hell.

During his bout, we would speak via text a few times a week. But since his condition deteriorated, I haven’t heard from him in weeks.

My best friend and his wife haven’t caught a break since this ordeal began 11 months ago, and now BMuttz was given a timeline for when his days on earth would end. All of these thoughts raced through my mind as I dialed his number.

He picked up and the first thing that came out of my mouth was that I was so happy he called. Almost immediately, we both began sobbing. He spoke in phrases through tears. He sounded tired and medicated.

He told me he loved me. He told me how sorry he was that he wouldn’t be there when I say I do to X. He told me my parents were second parents to him. I hung on every word and spoke some of my own. I told him he was the best friend I could have ever asked for. I told him he will never be replaced. I told him our friends would take care of his wife.

“I’ll watch her from above,” he said.

Meanwhile, X had made her way to the bottom of the staircase leading to our family room where I was talking on the phone. She was crying uncontrollably.

As BMuttz and I were having what seemed like our last conversation, a montage of our friendship rushed through my head. There was that time at football camp where we cackled uncontrollably one night because I didn’t pack enough socks for the three-day camp and had sweat through all the ones I brought. By the end of the weekend, I would have sold my soul for a clean pair.

Or that time BMuttz and I got in a fight with some opponents playing intramural b-ball at MSU. Or the time we rode a limo to our senior prom. Or that time we got kicked out of math class and demoted to remedial math. Or that time he texted me that he was getting sworn in as a lawyer. I told him I was beaming like a proud parent. One of his proudest moments instantly became one of mine.

So many great memories, why was this happening to him?

He was my friend of 20 years, my best friend since the age of 18. We were supposed to watch each other grow old and bicker like a married couple while regaling about our youth as we sat back in rocking chairs. Our wives were supposed to become best friends, so were our children. Why was this happening to him?

As I snapped back to reality, I told BMuttz not to be scared. I repeated it. I told him I would come be at his side. He was slow to respond and seemed confused. During that 10-minute phone call, we each said I love you at least a few dozen times.

When we said goodbye, not knowing if it was goodbye forever, I completely broke down. It was the hardest I’ve ever cried. Still confused at how big and surreal the moment was, I wondered to X if BMuttz was moments away from passing away. I could not figure out why he called me so early.

I found out some of those answers only a few days later when I saw BMuttz myself. Here are some excerpts of my visit at BMuttz’s hospice in Grand Rapids, Mich.

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Day 1: There he was in the hospital bed, immobile, bearded with a swollen face. He actually looked a little healthier than the last time I saw him because he put on some weight. Looks can be deceiving. When I arrived, L, his wife, was sitting on a pullout bed with her husband only a few feet away in a Craftmatic-type hospital bed.

He was somehow hooked up to three different pain medications. His wife could administer them with a push of a button. A beep indicated when the medicine hit his body. He was wearing a green Hurley shirt and University of Texas burnt-orange shorts. He wore brown-rimmed glasses, the type that makes people look smarter, suitable for a working professor, which he was until about six weeks ago. He looked beautiful to me. ….

BMuttz woke up when a nurse came into the room in order to give him some medication orally. She asked him to take the medicine. BMuttz responded: “I hate it.” It was funny, yet so damn sad. It wasn’t BMuttz’s only stint as a comedian that night. Earlier, during his first time awake, I said something I can’t recall and BMuttz said: “Let’s party.”

My fucking bro, there he was, immobile, depending on people like a child, on his deathbed, but still with a sense of humor. There are many lessons to be taken from BMuttz. God dammit, he’s a great person.

After BMuttz reluctantly took the nasty medicine that was mashed up in apple sauce, the nurse decided he had to be moved. You could actually see the fear in his eyes. For him, movement meant pain. The nurse called another nurse. It was a two-person job. They took the sheets off of him. His thighs were pasty-white and skinny. The lack of movement resulted in atrophy. Yet his face, hands and feet were swollen because of the medicine and steroids. It was like he was two people in one body: Fat guy, skinny guy.

After every movement and moan from pain, my eyes welled up and I got a lump in my throat. Here we go. Steady tears slid down both cheeks. L looked at me with sadness, but held it together. This was probably the billionth time she’d seen her husband in agony. The nurses each grabbed one end of a sheet that was already under BMuttz’s body. L and I grabbed the two other corners.

BMuttz was yelling. I grabbed his hand and told him to squeeze when he feels pain. He did. My heart broke right there. What was once taken for granted by BMuttz, movement, was now the most difficult chore.

It was intense seeing my best friend like that. I remember BMuttz as a three-sport athlete in high school. Now, he had the mobility of a paraplegic. God, it was tough. BMuttz was in pain. Here came the medicine ‑‑‑ Beeeeeeepppp. Three, two, one, goodnight BMuttz. …

Day 2: Going into day two I knew I had to cherish my time with BMuttz. This would most likely be the last time I saw him alive. Today, Nasa and Dave were expected to visit. We all planned on watching the MSU game in BMuttz’s hospice room. As uncharacteristic as it is for me, the game would be background chatter. It was all about BMuttz. ….

I knew day two would be tougher than the first. That became apparent when L picked me up from my hotel about 10:30 a.m. I opened the door to their new Subaru Forester, and she told me doctors had learned BMuttz had pneumonia. The next 72 hours were critical for him. Let’s hope the antibiotics work, she said. ….

Today I was more open about touching him. Almost right away, when we were alone, I went up to him and grabbed his hand. I told him I loved him and missed him. BMuttz was in a dead sleep. I turned on the TV and watched a college football pregame show. It would be about 30 minutes until MSU played Penn State for a share of the conference crown. This was MSU’s biggest game in decades and could cap an 11-1 year, an amazing achievement for MSU football.

The game didn’t mean shit. All I could think was, “I wish BMuttz was healthy enough to enjoy this year.”

BMuttz woke up and said hi to the crew. Well, he didn’t say hi, but he acknowledged we were in the room with his eyes.

We spent the next 90 minutes or so keeping BMuttz cool. Nasa and I would get wet towels and put them on his head and arms. He was running a fever of 101, still high, but better than the night before when his temperature reached 103.

L tried for at least 10 minutes to wake BMuttz up so she could feed him and make him drink water, but her attempts were unsuccessful. So, L started chewing ice cubes and cutting them with her teeth. She would fill BMuttz’s mouth with mashed up ice. It reminded Nasa and I of a mama bird feeding her baby bird. This was after she’d already used a suction device to remove the phlegm he was too weak to clear from his throat until a nearby pint-size cup was a quarter of the way full.

At one point, the guys left the room for some reason or another and I asked L if she was OK. She started crying and asked why they couldn’t catch a break. It’s been an impossible fight the entire way and now he had pneumonia? She said she wasn’t strong enough for this. I objected. To the contrary, I told her, she IS strong enough. God only makes people go through what they can handle. She said she wished God found someone else. Me too, I told her. We both kind of laughed.

By this time the game ended. MSU won 28-22 after almost blowing a huge lead. They were co-Big 10 champs. Again, I thought, “Man, BMuttz would love to see this.” ….

We were down to the last beers from the case Nasa and Dave brought with them. We spoke about getting food. It was time. The time we all dreaded. Time to say goodbye. L took a phone call and said she had to step out for a few minutes. I wondered if she did that on purpose because she knew we needed the time alone with him.

She was gone and it was just us four great friends saying goodbye forever. We had shared so many memories, beginning when we were 18. Just about a decade later and it was about to be over. It wasn’t fair.

We all huddled around BMuttz’s bed. I looked at Nasa and he was breaking down. He tried to stop the tears, but it was in vain. The big globs began pouring down his cheek. Oh shit, it started for me, too. Tears. Again with the tears. I took a few steps away from the bed and tried to compose myself. Nasa started stroking BMuttz’s arms and chest. He was asleep, like he was most the day. Nasa tried to wake him up. “No man, don’t,” I said. “He can hear us.” Nasa looked at me, amid the tears, and nodded his head OK.

Nasa started talking first. He told BMuttz although his time on earth was probably over, we would all see each other again. He told him not to be scared. I looked at Dave, and he was mostly quiet, suiting his personality. He stayed the most composed of us all. His eyes were blood shot and misty, but I don’t know if he cried. He told BMuttz he loved him.

I told BMuttz he was the best friend I ever had. And that he would never be replaced. Earlier in the day, when the guys stepped out of the room, I went up to him, grabbed his hand and told him I loved him. I told him not to feel bad about missing my wedding with X. I told him she loved him so much and that he knew right away she was the one for me. BMuttz seemed to wake up. He mumbled something incoherent. He was trying to talk to me. Whatever he was trying to tell me, it didn’t matter. It was a beautiful moment. Our friendship shone through again. Between that and our phone call, I told him everything I wanted him to know before he ventured into the afterlife.

I then kissed my right index and middle fingers and placed the kiss over his heart. My friendship with BMuttz as we once knew it was done, probably forever. But I was at peace.

I thought, while BMuttz had one foot at the pearly gates already, I hope he finds that peace before knocking on the door. L came into the room after a few minutes and saw we all had been crying. She began crying a little as we said our goodbyes. I can’t tell you how strong she has been. She’s a rock. She’s been such a devoted wife. BMuttz is lucky to have her. She was his guardian angel on earth. They’ll meet up again one day, I thought. ….

******************************************************

I wish I could say this story had a fairytale ending, but it doesn’t. BMuttz died on Nov. 28 on his hospice bed next to his wife, family and loved ones. I returned home to Las Vegas from a quick two-day visit earlier that day. He died only a few hours after I got home, just before midnight.

I’m at a loss for why he was taken from us, but have gained inspiration and courage from BMuttz’s battle with cancer. I’m still coming to grips that I won’t ever receive another text, e-mail or phone call. Through some forum, we were in touch every day. I can’t believe we won’t be seeing each other at least once a year.

However, I’m grateful I got 20 years with him. I was blessed to have known him. Billions of people never met him. I was one of the lucky few.

There should be no doubt that BMuttz fought that wretched disease with everything he had. He fought like a noble warrior and because of that I plan on honoring his memory by learning from him. I will not let the small stuff in this world get me down anymore. And if it’s not a life or death matter, everything is trivial. Problems on the job, dealing with assholes, money issues – none of that’s even worth wasting my breath. I know BMuttz gave his last breath in order for me, and others, to realize that life must be appreciated every day.

Thank you for that, Benjamin Ross Mutnick. I will never forget you. I know you’ll be at my wedding. You’re my best man. You always have been.

Cancer has taken many loved ones away from us. This was my first real blow from the disease, but I’m sure it won’t be my last. They never figured out what kind of cancer my best friend suffered from, either. At the request of the BMuttz family, anyone who is interested in fighting the disease and further honoring the memory of BMuttz can do so with a donation here:

American Cancer Society
20450 Civic Center Dr.
Southfield, MI 48076
http://www.cancer.org

"Beeing" Strong, "Beeing" Brave, "Beeing" Honest

To say that I hate November is not being honest. I more than hate November. For many reasons, the past few weeks have been extremely hard. I guess for me, I have not been true to myself, or others about my feelings. Actually some of my closest friends know of my struggles, but for the most part, I have become really good at disguising my emotions.

So rewind to Halloween......Halloween 2011 was so different. It was the first year in 6 that I didn't have Ben by my side. Ben loved Halloween. As a matter of fact, I received several texts from my friends this weekend mentioning how much they were thinking about Ben and I during Halloween. Right from the start of our relationship Ben made Halloween a true event. We did it up right! We always went as a couple...Mario and Luigi, Kelly and Zack, Stephi Graph and Andre Agassi 1980's circuit, Pam Anderson and Kid Rock, Golfers, and then of course nothing last year since he was hospitalized. This was the first year that I was faced to dress up as a single individual. Ben was the creative one so I felt lost. I ended up being a bee. Let's "bee" honest, it was not my best effort. I bought a prepackaged costume from Halloween USA. It was super cute, but to not go to Goodwill or to work for endless hours crafting an original outfit felt odd. I cried the entire weekend, but pulled myself together just in time to go out for a bit with some of my newest friends. I ended up having a great time, and the Queen Bee, ended up finding 6 male worker bees at the BOB, and one worker bee was pretty cute.....wink wink. I owe it to Carrie for taking me under her wing, and showing me what it's like to live again.

Last year, Ben wanted nothing more than to be home in time to hand out candy to the neighborhood trick or treaters. l told him that he should make it his goal to be well enough to be home by then. I'm a fool right? He made me buy pumpkins with the hope that we would carve them the night before Halloween. The pumpkins ended up being the ultimate symbol. I purchased them at the Schwallier's Country Basket. This was a trip that I went on alone with the entire Homrich family. Ben didn't come because he wasn't feeling well. Little did we know that he was really sick, and only one month away from dying. I had a really stressful day at the farm, because all I could think about was Ben, sitting alone in our basement having a pain attack with me 30 minutes away. It was more than I could handle. And then of course we got lost in the corn maze and I started to cry because I had been gone to long from Ben already and I needed to get home.

The pumpkins remained untouched, uncarved. They sat by the back door of our Alger home until March, frozen solid. The pumpkins represented everything in my life at that time. I too was frozen in time, with a hallow heart, hoping to go unnoticed just as the pumpkins did for nearly six months. I am still confused on what really happened...I mean did Ben really pass away? I have been on a recent kick of watching scary movies. People think I am nuts for watching them alone. But truth be told, nothing can be scarier than watching your husband slip away. At night, I hear my own screams, I see my mother-in-law running around the hospice room, I see Ben in his bed....I see it all. A personal horror movie that plays over and over and over again. The Grudge has nothing on this. I can't make this reel stop from playing.

Recently I have been blessed with the ability to let people in and out of my life without much effect. I look at things objectively and consider each person's purpose. I guess without Ben's illness I would have never met so many great, and honest people. I have learned through this struggle who my true friends are, and who really cares about me. I have found friends down many different paths. I am social, always have been, always will be. Nanc says I started talking at two, full sentences, and never stopped. I love watching my friendships blossom, and am so thankful that so many kind people have let me into their lives. I know that I have baggage, but it's not something I choose for myself. This is the card I have been dealt, so take it or leave it. And if you can't handle it, get the hell out. I just keep moving...doing what I can, with what I have. The next few weeks present difficult challenges. Ben's best friend in the entire world is getting married. Ben was so upset that he was going to miss TPlan's wedding, and then of course Thanksgiving, and then the anniversary of his death....marking ONE YEAR. One whole, freaking year......wow. Unbelievable how much life changes in a year, in a month, in a day, in a second, in a breath. Ben said it best, "Do what you can, while you can, because you never know when you won't be able to the do the things you love."