Welcome to the Dirty Thirty

The Dirty Thirty....what a milestone. People our age look at 30 as a step into adulthood. It is the age of no return. And here we are....you gone, and me a widow. 30 and an angel, 30 and pain free, 30 and worry free. Cheers to you Ben.

So this past week you have weighed heavy on my heart. I guess much of that is due to the fact that this time of the year holds so many memories good, and bad. The weather in Michigan has been so wonderful....breathtaking. And as funny as it sounds, I feel you, see you. I see you in the brightly colored trees, and I feel you in the wind. Bear and I decided last Saturday to go for a long run and then to sit river side and read a book. I had my eyes closed and felt the wind, my hair blowing, you all around. I was at peace. And then out of no where came running this border collie, and in a flash there was Dr. Lineberger. He is Dr. #14 in the line up. It is funny, but the entire anesthesia team brought Ben so much hope and comfort, more than his oncologist. I will never forget the day Ben laid in pre-op holding and in walked Dr. Lineberger. Ben saw him and yelled for him. Ben was scared, he was yelling that his cancer had spread again. He was in so much pain, he was dying. Dr. Lineberger came to Ben's bedside and shared a personal cancer story of his close friend. He told Ben to hang onto hope, when I am sure in his heart, he new hope of survival was lost. Ben never lost sight of the hope that Dr. #14 offered. So here I stand face to face with a man who cared for my dying husband. And the first thing he said to me is "Are you OK, I mean are you really OK". It was as though he knew the answer was no, not really, and he wasn't looking for the sugar coated answer. He was asking because he cared. We chatted for a bit and before he walked off he said "Ben was a good guy, a great guy....you should know that." And he told me that Ben was feeling much better these days. I chocked back tears. There you were Ben, my f-ing homeboy, there you were.

The entire pain team turned out to be our angels in Earth. Dr. #15 and his PA, who is one of my best buds now, loved Ben and saw him for who he was. They saw past the illness and saw his heart, his big loving, caring heart. Ben shared laughs and cookies with them following procedures. Ben loved them......shoot at one point all he yelled for was Thea. Thank God for the anesthesia team.

You always loved birthdays. The first birthday present I gave you was a golf trip to Arcadia Bluffs. I gave you the present early, following Molly's wedding. I wanted to be sure that we would be able to get a round in before the weather and temperature dropped significantly. I refuse to golf in temps in the 50's....hahaha you hated that rule! You were so surprised. We had only been dating 2 or 3 months at that point, and you told me that that was one of the most thoughtful presents you had ever received. You told me that in 2 shorts months, I had figured out the things in life that you enjoyed to do most, and that I blew the birthday surprise out to the park. I would say, I got lucky...a lucky guess. However that being said, Arcadia Bluffs is the most beautiful golf course I have ever played. I am so thankful that we got to golf this wonderful course together. I am glad that I was able to give you that gift. It is just a shame that we won't get to golf other beautiful courses. I had dreams of golf trips, weeks in Boca, kids, a future, and now that's over.

And I refuse to discuss/relive last years birthday/ birthday dinners (our place and Rose's)......it was horrible, sad, devastating. You ended up in the hospital one week later, never to leave. Your mom said it so perfectly this past weekend. She told me that she had to light a memorial candle for you, and that we should be lighting candles for your 30th. She said it's bullshit that we are lighting candles to memorialize your life. I couldn't agree more...it is bullshit.

I hope this year for your birthday that you are walking, that you are smiling, that you are pain free, and happy. I hope you are spending time with some close friends, or grandparents, and I hope you are golfing. And I hope someone is singing you the birthday song and that all your wishes come true. John, Megs, Finn, and I are going to come visit later, and don't worry we will have your favorite chocolate chip cookie cake. And we fully intent to watch the Tigers later.....hoping for a win.



The above picture about sums up how we are feeling today.....you happy, me sad. This is my mom's favorite picture of us....hahaha.
I will leave you with this

Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday Dear Ben
Happy Birthday to you.