Honoring Those I Love

This past week has been an absolute whirlwind. It started last Monday with the GVSU scholarship dinner, the dinner where Ben's scholarship was first introduced to the community, to GVSU. It was an affair to remember. Big D, Juancho, and I met at the Amway Grand Plaza. The ballroom was packed. The University offers nearly 300 hundred scholarships each year, and this year the Ben Mutnick Mettle Memorial Scholarship was added to the roster.

When they announced Ben's scholarship I was asked to stand, and then again later during the presentation, the entire department including John was asked to stand. I did really great until I realized that Ben was gone, and until I looked at both Big D and John. Neither of them were crying, but they were both blinking back tears. My dad held his head low, with his eyes closed, and John much the same. It made me realize how many others miss Ben too. It was in that moment that I lost it. I cried with my head high. I cried for all to see....to see the hurt and pain that is caused by cancer. I held Ben's wedding tight in my hand....I needed him to help me get through this dinner. I was one second away from a full blown crying attack. The kind of crying attack when you start making audible noises.....noises you can't stop. I pinched the inside of my thigh, and told myself to grow up and get a grip. I have no idea how I calmed myself down, but I did.

The dinner was special....a true honor. Most people live a life time without ever being honored in this way. And here my husband, Benjamin Ross Mutnick, left a permanent imprint on a major university. He hid his illness, his pain, his fear from almost everyone, and so his passing came as a huge shock to the department. Something should be said about how Ben carried on when most people would have stopped. Cheers to you Ben....Cheers to you.

So the weekend following the scholarship dinner, I honored someone else I love. My best bud from undergrad got married this past weekend. It was a true honor to be asked to stand up in her wedding. All in all I did pretty great. I was able to curb my sadness by dancing the night away....that and gin and tonics....wink wink. I danced with anyone who would dance back. I danced to almost every song....slow and fast. Call me the dancing machine.

Em's day was so special, she looked amazing, but I really felt Ben's absence. Ben, Em, and I were all best buds at MSU. We were all the same major, so to be there without him, was staggering, and hard. Not to mention MSU played Wisconsin that night, with an ending that goes down in history. Ben was the first person I wanted to call to talk about the game. I am so intense when I watch MSU that I am pretty sure I threw my bb at some point during the evening. This is something I picked up from Ben....thanks a lot dude. I spent some of the evening texting his closest buds. I feel such a connection to Ben, when I get text messages from the boys on game day. And then of course one of the guys got engaged this weekend. I am so happy for Nasa and Katie.

Following the game I had to step away from the reception for some air. I walked out of the reception, and around the corner of the 67th floor in the Sears Tower. I looked out the window, near the escalator in time to catch the fireworks at Navy Pier. I caught a glimpse of myself in the window. The person I saw I hardly recognized. All I could focus on was Ben's wedding ring. I was so close to crying. You know the funny thing is, the day I found out that Emily was engaged was the day I found out that Ben only had one month to live. I was sitting on a cot in Ben's room on 5 north. She was so happy, and I was so happy for her. She asked me how Ben was doing and I didn't have the heart to ruin her moment so I told her that we would talk about it a different day. Well I never had a chance to tell Em, because Ben died about one week later. She found out about his passing on the blog. I feel terrible that I didn't get to phone her in person, but it just didn't feel right to cloud her happiest day with my saddest. She has been a great friend, and I wish her and Cal the best in health and happiness.

Once again the night ended with a trip to the bar. This time around we partied at O Sullivan's. But I learned my lesson and started slamming water. I could not face another hangover like the last one I had following Jenna and Scottie's wedding. I danced the night away at O Sullivan's. And I have to say, I got a ton of compliments that night. It felt so good to have complete strangers tell me how pretty I looked. I mean, boys will be boys, but to have someone pay me a compliment when I feel like I could die on the inside is pretty bad ass. I turned down a few requests for my digits, and instead focused on getting through the evening.

Congrats again to Emily and Cal....Mazel Tov. And a special shout out to a friend of Em's who was not able to be there. Megs, you should know I danced for you too. Get well soon.