Honoring Those I Love

This past week has been an absolute whirlwind. It started last Monday with the GVSU scholarship dinner, the dinner where Ben's scholarship was first introduced to the community, to GVSU. It was an affair to remember. Big D, Juancho, and I met at the Amway Grand Plaza. The ballroom was packed. The University offers nearly 300 hundred scholarships each year, and this year the Ben Mutnick Mettle Memorial Scholarship was added to the roster.

When they announced Ben's scholarship I was asked to stand, and then again later during the presentation, the entire department including John was asked to stand. I did really great until I realized that Ben was gone, and until I looked at both Big D and John. Neither of them were crying, but they were both blinking back tears. My dad held his head low, with his eyes closed, and John much the same. It made me realize how many others miss Ben too. It was in that moment that I lost it. I cried with my head high. I cried for all to see....to see the hurt and pain that is caused by cancer. I held Ben's wedding tight in my hand....I needed him to help me get through this dinner. I was one second away from a full blown crying attack. The kind of crying attack when you start making audible noises.....noises you can't stop. I pinched the inside of my thigh, and told myself to grow up and get a grip. I have no idea how I calmed myself down, but I did.

The dinner was special....a true honor. Most people live a life time without ever being honored in this way. And here my husband, Benjamin Ross Mutnick, left a permanent imprint on a major university. He hid his illness, his pain, his fear from almost everyone, and so his passing came as a huge shock to the department. Something should be said about how Ben carried on when most people would have stopped. Cheers to you Ben....Cheers to you.

So the weekend following the scholarship dinner, I honored someone else I love. My best bud from undergrad got married this past weekend. It was a true honor to be asked to stand up in her wedding. All in all I did pretty great. I was able to curb my sadness by dancing the night away....that and gin and tonics....wink wink. I danced with anyone who would dance back. I danced to almost every song....slow and fast. Call me the dancing machine.

Em's day was so special, she looked amazing, but I really felt Ben's absence. Ben, Em, and I were all best buds at MSU. We were all the same major, so to be there without him, was staggering, and hard. Not to mention MSU played Wisconsin that night, with an ending that goes down in history. Ben was the first person I wanted to call to talk about the game. I am so intense when I watch MSU that I am pretty sure I threw my bb at some point during the evening. This is something I picked up from Ben....thanks a lot dude. I spent some of the evening texting his closest buds. I feel such a connection to Ben, when I get text messages from the boys on game day. And then of course one of the guys got engaged this weekend. I am so happy for Nasa and Katie.

Following the game I had to step away from the reception for some air. I walked out of the reception, and around the corner of the 67th floor in the Sears Tower. I looked out the window, near the escalator in time to catch the fireworks at Navy Pier. I caught a glimpse of myself in the window. The person I saw I hardly recognized. All I could focus on was Ben's wedding ring. I was so close to crying. You know the funny thing is, the day I found out that Emily was engaged was the day I found out that Ben only had one month to live. I was sitting on a cot in Ben's room on 5 north. She was so happy, and I was so happy for her. She asked me how Ben was doing and I didn't have the heart to ruin her moment so I told her that we would talk about it a different day. Well I never had a chance to tell Em, because Ben died about one week later. She found out about his passing on the blog. I feel terrible that I didn't get to phone her in person, but it just didn't feel right to cloud her happiest day with my saddest. She has been a great friend, and I wish her and Cal the best in health and happiness.

Once again the night ended with a trip to the bar. This time around we partied at O Sullivan's. But I learned my lesson and started slamming water. I could not face another hangover like the last one I had following Jenna and Scottie's wedding. I danced the night away at O Sullivan's. And I have to say, I got a ton of compliments that night. It felt so good to have complete strangers tell me how pretty I looked. I mean, boys will be boys, but to have someone pay me a compliment when I feel like I could die on the inside is pretty bad ass. I turned down a few requests for my digits, and instead focused on getting through the evening.

Congrats again to Emily and Cal....Mazel Tov. And a special shout out to a friend of Em's who was not able to be there. Megs, you should know I danced for you too. Get well soon.

My Homeboy

Yesterday, as many of my loyal followers know, was Ben's birthday. Much of the day was spent thinking of him during the good times. It was so difficult to not see his smiling face while opening presents, or going out to dinner, but I did my best for the both of us.

After work, Megs, John, Finn, and I went to visit him. I arrived first at the cemetery. It was a warm fall day, picture perfect. I sat on the ground next to him and gave him my update on life....not that he doesn't already know what's going on. I shared a glass of wine with him. Minutes later, the Lipford clan arrived. I took out the piece of cake that I picked up earlier in the day. As luck would have it, Meijer did not have any chocolate chip cookie cakes so I cried....cried at Meijer. However I got this piece of cake, and 3 cupcakes for free. I guess the staff must have really felt bad for the crazy widow. I just wish they would have given me the wine for free too....wink wink.

John, Megs, and Finn joined me on the ground next to his headstone. The wind was blowing...the cemetery was beautiful. We put the 30 candle in the cake and started to sing the happy birthday song. It was hard....Megs and I were sobbing. She came and sat behind me, and gave me the biggest hug. It is still shocking he is gone. We decided to let the wind blow the candles out. I have to say, Ben took forever to blow the candles out. The 30 was burning way down. It was as though he wanted us to stay. And just like in the movies, as the candles went out, a rainbow appeared. It was a rainbow that non of us have ever seen. Small, in the middle of the only white cloud in the sky, right over the cemetery. It was Ben. He were there. He was saying....I see you guys. I love you guys. And thank you so much John and Megs for caring for Linds. Trust me, I know she is a pain in the ass, but she needs you, and I will forever care for you all. My f-ing homeboy was right there with us. And as we packed up to leave, the rainbow disappeared. Don't tell me that was not Ben....it was.

In addition, DBone was at the Tigers game last night. It was no mistake that she was there, and it was no mistake they won. I am sure for his birthday, Ben asked for a Tigers win, and for a sign to let Linds know that I love her.....looks like both his wishes came true.

Welcome to the Dirty Thirty

The Dirty Thirty....what a milestone. People our age look at 30 as a step into adulthood. It is the age of no return. And here we are....you gone, and me a widow. 30 and an angel, 30 and pain free, 30 and worry free. Cheers to you Ben.

So this past week you have weighed heavy on my heart. I guess much of that is due to the fact that this time of the year holds so many memories good, and bad. The weather in Michigan has been so wonderful....breathtaking. And as funny as it sounds, I feel you, see you. I see you in the brightly colored trees, and I feel you in the wind. Bear and I decided last Saturday to go for a long run and then to sit river side and read a book. I had my eyes closed and felt the wind, my hair blowing, you all around. I was at peace. And then out of no where came running this border collie, and in a flash there was Dr. Lineberger. He is Dr. #14 in the line up. It is funny, but the entire anesthesia team brought Ben so much hope and comfort, more than his oncologist. I will never forget the day Ben laid in pre-op holding and in walked Dr. Lineberger. Ben saw him and yelled for him. Ben was scared, he was yelling that his cancer had spread again. He was in so much pain, he was dying. Dr. Lineberger came to Ben's bedside and shared a personal cancer story of his close friend. He told Ben to hang onto hope, when I am sure in his heart, he new hope of survival was lost. Ben never lost sight of the hope that Dr. #14 offered. So here I stand face to face with a man who cared for my dying husband. And the first thing he said to me is "Are you OK, I mean are you really OK". It was as though he knew the answer was no, not really, and he wasn't looking for the sugar coated answer. He was asking because he cared. We chatted for a bit and before he walked off he said "Ben was a good guy, a great guy....you should know that." And he told me that Ben was feeling much better these days. I chocked back tears. There you were Ben, my f-ing homeboy, there you were.

The entire pain team turned out to be our angels in Earth. Dr. #15 and his PA, who is one of my best buds now, loved Ben and saw him for who he was. They saw past the illness and saw his heart, his big loving, caring heart. Ben shared laughs and cookies with them following procedures. Ben loved them......shoot at one point all he yelled for was Thea. Thank God for the anesthesia team.

You always loved birthdays. The first birthday present I gave you was a golf trip to Arcadia Bluffs. I gave you the present early, following Molly's wedding. I wanted to be sure that we would be able to get a round in before the weather and temperature dropped significantly. I refuse to golf in temps in the 50's....hahaha you hated that rule! You were so surprised. We had only been dating 2 or 3 months at that point, and you told me that that was one of the most thoughtful presents you had ever received. You told me that in 2 shorts months, I had figured out the things in life that you enjoyed to do most, and that I blew the birthday surprise out to the park. I would say, I got lucky...a lucky guess. However that being said, Arcadia Bluffs is the most beautiful golf course I have ever played. I am so thankful that we got to golf this wonderful course together. I am glad that I was able to give you that gift. It is just a shame that we won't get to golf other beautiful courses. I had dreams of golf trips, weeks in Boca, kids, a future, and now that's over.

And I refuse to discuss/relive last years birthday/ birthday dinners (our place and Rose's)......it was horrible, sad, devastating. You ended up in the hospital one week later, never to leave. Your mom said it so perfectly this past weekend. She told me that she had to light a memorial candle for you, and that we should be lighting candles for your 30th. She said it's bullshit that we are lighting candles to memorialize your life. I couldn't agree more...it is bullshit.

I hope this year for your birthday that you are walking, that you are smiling, that you are pain free, and happy. I hope you are spending time with some close friends, or grandparents, and I hope you are golfing. And I hope someone is singing you the birthday song and that all your wishes come true. John, Megs, Finn, and I are going to come visit later, and don't worry we will have your favorite chocolate chip cookie cake. And we fully intent to watch the Tigers later.....hoping for a win.



The above picture about sums up how we are feeling today.....you happy, me sad. This is my mom's favorite picture of us....hahaha.
I will leave you with this

Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday Dear Ben
Happy Birthday to you.

I Am Always With You

Hey Buddy,

It's been a long time since I wrote to you. Much of my most recent writing has been about my personal achievements following life after you. I really haven't taken much time to reflect on the recent events in my life. Time continues to go on, and yet you still haven't returned. As you know, two weeks ago we had your unveiling. I am sure you would have had much objection to a tradition Jewish unveiling. Just the thought of everyone making a fuss over you, would have resorted in an undeniable no. Yet you were not here to object, and so we moved forward with the services.

It was exactly as I expected it to be....emotional, heartbreaking, devastating. There is no way to explain to someone what it feels like to look down, and see your husbands name carved out in stone, in a cemetery. Your name, followed by loving husband, son, brother, grandson, and nephew. Ben you were so much more than that, but we ran out of room on the stone. You were an athlete, handsome, intelligent, funny, kind, determined, a best friend, reliable, etc. It is sad to me that all you amount to to strangers is what is carved on a stone in the cemetery. I am sure that people walk around the cemetery, and come upon your stone and say "Wow, he was just a kid, 29 years old. What a shame. How sad." I mean shit, I do the same thing, however the difference is, I know you. All your neighbors at the cemetery in GR are old as hell. And there you rest, robbed. A life lost far too soon...wasted.

I will never forget the sadness that loomed at Clover Hills, or the way your mom rested her head on your headstone and wept. Your poor mom. A parent should never have to go through this. All I kept thinking was "Ben you idiot. How did you let this happen." I know that this was not a choice you made, but even in the after life, I can still get mad at you. How disappointing. I have to say that people have continued to surprise me in both good and bad ways. I got support in so many unexpected places...thank God for the unexpected surprises.

It was at the cemetery that I felt you. Ralph read a poem, and I swear it was you talking to me and the family. The poem was titled I Am Always With You. It brought me to my knees.

When I am gone, release me, let me go.
I have so many things to see and do,
You mustn't tie yourself to me with too many tears,
But be thankful we had so many good years.
I gave you my love, and you can only guess
How much you've given me in happiness.
I thank you for the love that you have shown,
But now it is time I traveled on alone.
So grieve for me a while, if grieve you must
Then let your grief be comforted by trust
That it is only for a while that we must part,
So treasure the memories within your heart.
I won't be far away for life goes on.
And if you need me, call and I will come.
Though you can't see or touch me, I will be near
And if you listen with your heart, you'll hear
All my love around you soft and clear
And then, when you come this way alone,
I'll greet you with a smile and a "Welcome Home".

Still even 10 months later, when I stop and think about the fact that you are really gone, I feel like I could puke. It makes my heart race and brings tears from the underbelly. Today I watched Megs and Mike's wedding video. There you were, alive, healthy, and in love. I hardly know your touch anymore. All I have left is the images that remain on the video. The way you held my hand, or put your arm around me. I look at that video, and I feel like I hardly know you. It is like looking at a stranger. And of course on the video you are giving martial advice, of all things. You said something like "The night is young, and it could end good or bad. I am going to leave it opened ended." That is so Ben......such a dork.

Well I miss you bud. Sorry we don't get to spend your 30th together and sorry that you are going to miss Tony's wedding. I know you will be there, but not in human form...it's just not the same.

Thinking of you always,
Linds

P.S. The Tigers are in the playoffs. I can't believe it!!!!