49503

As I mentioned in my last blog, I am moving. The date in which I take up residence at the boardwalk is quickly approaching. The past few weeks have been filled with a rainbow of emotions. I guess I underestimated how hard it was going to be to pack up Ben's things. I have been working diligently to get his things in order. Putting his clothes in large see through tubs, knowing full well that someone I loved used to wear those clothes, has been hell. And then to see my dad schelp them up the stairs and place them into the back of the truck just makes everything that much harder. And then to further the pain, watching Big D unpack the tubs from the truck, and put them into the basement at their home is sickening. I think Jr. said it best...."Ben has a ton of shit". That is so true. That man had more clothes then me. And the thing of it is, I know the history or every piece of clothing. I can pretty much pin point, where he got every shirt, when he wore it last, and how it ranked in his list of favorite things to wear. Even taking the picture down from the walls has been a challenge. There are picture in our home that are clearly Ben's and clearly Lindsay's. I have begun to pack up his pictures. They too have been put into tubs. I look at every picture, remember the story behind them, feel the emotion, and continue on with the packing process. I find that I can't plan to pack his things. It is an impulse decision. It is something that I decide to do at the last minute. It is the only way I can do this.

What I have begun to realize is that his clothes are just that, clothes. They are not Ben any more. Ben's memories are not in a pair of shoes that he used to wear in 2007, his memories are in my heart. I realized that I don't have to hold onto everything. And I don't have to bring everything of his to my new condo. The condo is the first major step in my healing process. It is a place where I can nest, where I can start over. I fully intend to bring things that represent us....things that I need to have to feel at home, but to bring everything of Ben's would defeat the process. I also recently had a memory quilt made, actually two....one for me and one for D-Bone. The quilts are beautiful, if such a thing can be beautiful....no they are beautiful. They were made out of Ben's tee shirts. Something he loved to wear more then anything else. When I see the quilt I see Ben....I feel him. This too was a huge step for me. The thought of someone cutting up his clothes made me sick, and there were times when I thought I couldn't let go, but I can, I did, and I am so proud of myself.

I am counting down the days until I can get out of the house of horrors. So many people are so happy for me. Everyone keeps telling me that I made a great decision and that life in a new home will feel so much better. As I have always said...Raymond is a bad home. It holds every sad/bad memory. Why would I want to stay here and torture myself any longer? I can't wait to have the ladies over for wine and cheese, or to grill out on the roof top deck. I can't wait to show my friends my new digs. I can't wait to see what the future holds. For the first time in a long time, I am smiling again. A little bit of the old Lindsay is shining through. The old Lindsay went into hibernation, and she is slowly creeping out. So as of Sept 1st, I will be holding residence in a new zip code....49503!!!!

I have a busy September...a bachlorette party, wine tasting in TC, the official move weekend, and in a blink it will be October. The days might be slow, but the months fly by. I realized that I have two choices....get on living, or to get on dying. I choose to live. I choose to give myself a chance at happiness. Because as much as I wanted to die initially, I realized that it was not in the cards. That I was stuck here, so why not make the best of it. I am still super sad over my loss. I still think of Ben every day. I think of the life lessons he taught me. I think of how he made me a stronger woman, and a great wife. He made me realize I can do anything.....anything. Saying goodbye to Ben was the hardest thing I had to do in my life...the hardest thing we both had to do. But I made a promise to Ben that I would keep on keeping on. It was a promise I had to make to him so that he could let go. He needed to hear that I was going to be OK, and that I loved him. And after hearing me say it out loud, he let go. It was only after he knew in his heart that I was going to be OK, did he breathe his last breath. He made peace with me, with life on earth. I image him in heaven, partying with Michael Jackson, sharing stories about his crazy wife. I image him pointing to me from above the clouds...saying "you see that pretty girl right there, that's Lindsay. Isn't she great?" There was never a day that went by that he didn't tell me how pretty I was or how much he loved me.

So as I said before, I live on and I am giving myself the biggest chance at happiness. I know happiness is right around the corner and I'm excited!

A Time For Change

Ben and I's anniversary was the single hardest day I have had since the day he passed...November of last year. For me, our anniversary was a day that only he and I shared. Sure, it was a day surrounded by loving family and friends, however it was a day that we pledged to be together. I am just now beginning to accept the fact that Ben is not coming back. And, to honor, Ben I am trying to put my life back together piece by piece.

This is obviously an evolving process and for the first time in 8 months, I decided that I am ready to move....really ready to move. An unexpected friend, Laura, came into my life, and gave me the push I needed. I have only known Laura for a few months, but she has given so much to me. She knows what I need. It is so strange to have such a connection with someone who has only known you for 3 months. I am blessed to have her. Laura worked hard last week getting me information about available condos in downtown GR. She thought it best for me to be around other people, to be in a place that was smaller, and to be in a place that required less yard work....something Big D will truly appreciate. So on Friday I went to check out a condo, and I signed a lease. It was so liberating. The thought of getting out of a house that holds so many bad memories....can I get a hell yes!!!!! To finally be able to give this house a huge middle finger wave makes me smile. I am so proud of myself and so excited. Bear, Gato, and I are moving to the City! Downtown Grand Rapids has no idea what is in store for them. I guess I am going to have to retire my silk nightgown, dog walking outfit for another time. That is not the image I want to give off to the new neighbors...or maybe it is.......hahahaha.

I am giving myself a chance to live, a chance to be happy again, a chance to move forward. After all Ben would want me to be happy, and he too would want me out of this house. Raymond is not Ben and I. Raymond is cancer, Raymond is sadness, Raymond is holding me back. So on Saturday when I found out I got the condo I called everyone. I was golfing, talking on my cell phone, and screaming about how happy I was. D Res hung up the phone on me twice by accident of course, because she too was that excited for me. Everyone's reaction confirms to me that I am making a great decision. I knew what I had to do, it was just time to step up to the plate and do it.

This will be the first move without Ben. To say I hate moving is an understatement. Does anyone else find moving stressful? I can't think of a single day when Ben would yell at me more, then moving day. I hated moving day. And Ben's cousin Brad would always get roped into moving us. So when Ben and I first moved to Chicago, it was super hot....95 and humid. We packed the entire truck ourselves. We lost the cat in GR, but Jr. found her in the closet in GR a week later. Can't say I didn't try to get rid of the cat, a cat that I am super allergic to mind you. So we get to Chicago and we start unpacking the truck. Ben spends about 10 minutes trying to convenience me that he and I can carry his gigantic rear projection TV up 3 flights of stairs. This thing was not only huge, but super awkward. There was no way in hell that I was carrying that TV. I was not going to be the one who dropped the TV, or worse yet, was killed in Chicago my first day, when my boyfriend dropped a TV on me.....not happening. And he was so ticked that I would not move it. Needless to say, Brad showed up just in time and the boys moved the TV. Our first place in Wrigley....

And then we moved from Wrigley to Andersonville. Again the weather conditions were horrible. A terrible snow storm, and again Brad, Ben and I packed up the house, and moved 2 miles north. I swore, that this would be the last time that I moved. I was never again going to pack up my shit, and carry boxes. Again, fights and yelling.....moving day sucks! We get settled into our condo in Chicago. A place that we called home. Our first home together. We had so much fun at our condo in Ravenswood. We hosted dinner parties, game night, holiday cookie decorating parties, Christmas parties...the whole bit. We were always having people over. It was a house filled with love. It was the place we got engaged, the place we planned the wedding, the place where we planned our life. As my mom says, planning is for fools, and in time we learned that all our plans were in vain.

So our last move was here to Raymond. A house that I found for us. A house that we only lived in one month before Ben got sick. I will never forget the day he came home from playing ball with Juancho. I was in the basement, watching TV. Ben told me that he really really hurt his hip and that he thought he pulled his groin. He was walking a bit funny, but never in a million years, did I think he had cancer. I told him I would see if I could get him in to see Dr. J, and he was OK with that. Boy can life be unfair or what? My Gosh, look how fast things can change. In 1o months Ben was gone. The house has been quiet ever since.

Well it looks like I am once again moving. Time to pack up my life and move forward. Packing Ben's things have been a bit hard, figuratively and literally. Today I actually fell down the steps, packing Ben's things. I was thinking....Mutnick is this some joke? I'm sorry man, but I got to pack up your shit, unless of course you want to come and lend a hand. However on a deeper level, putting away his shirts and pants, knowing full well, that they are never going to be worn again by Ben was hard. Every shirt is a memory, so as I packed I celebrated Ben, celebrated us. I hope that in doing this, I can begin to really heal. It is my hope that I am making a good decision. So look for Bear and I downtime.....it's time to go.

Whatever You Like

First off let me say Happy Anniversary to my best friend in life. Someone I never imaged I would be this connected to. Let me say how much I miss Ben and how much I struggled to get through the day. I wanted to puke, and cry...which I did. I wanted to scream, which I did, I wanted to see you, which I didn't.

So today was quite uneventful. I went to work per the usual, however at lunch I had a stage 1 meltdown. I miss you...I do. I was crying in the sky walk, wondering where you were or if you could see me. I was wondering if you missed me as much as I missed you or if you were partying with Michael Jackson...I sort of image this scenario more then you reflecting on how much you miss me....let's be honest bud! I spent the evening celebrating us...a roast of sorts. Sharing stories with Amanda and Laura....it was fun. I told them about the numerous times I blew you off....not proud of that or when I finally decided to give us a chance....what the hell was I waiting for?

Today was a day of refection. It was us. So to honor us, I will share some of the funniest stories from our wedding weekend.

Let me start off by saying, our wedding kicked ass. It was full blown amazing. The best food, the best dancing, the best live band, the best groom....the best of everything. To start, what couple do you know that can pull off a Jewish/Catholic wedding....oh I know the Mutnicks. It was the best blend of religion, tradition and culture. I will never forget the hora. Only the best wedding dance out there. Those who don't get to do the hora at their wedding are missing out. It is the best...bar none.

And then of course there is Allen Iverson. Yes Allen Iverson, the professional basketball player, was at the hotel during the Mutnick nuptials. So badass. Here I am tooling around in my white lace wedding dress and here comes Allen...what the hell? Who else can say that Allen was at their wedding? No one.

Not to mention, no one can top the Courterier stolen car story. God bless my sister, who just 6 days before our wedding had her first child. And yes Megs came, and stood by my side. The Courteriers, her in-laws, came to watch miss Arleigh Grace....aka Goose, and they only came to realize their car was stolen when they went looking for the misplaced diaper bag. Only at our wedding would a car get jacked. And might I mention this car ended up in the heart of Detroit, on blocks, completley stripped, with a something something in the back seat. Serioulsy...Seriously? I actually have pictures capturing the moment when I tell Ben the car got jacked...so funny.

And then of course there is the Cauliflower incident....Nasa I am talking to you. So Ben's best buds decide to pull the ultimate prank on Ben. While Ben and I are out visiting friends and family during the Hors d'oeuvre hour, Nasa and the college gang decided to "rework" Ben's boutonniere. It was a lovely boutonniere I might add. However, while Ben left his jacket unattended the gang removed the the lovely white rose and inserted a piece of Cauliflower. Unbeknownst to Ben and I, Ben rocked the Cauliflower boutonniere all night long. It is in all our professional pictures. And all night long every one kept yelling cauliflower at us. I couldn't figure it out. I will never forget Ben turning to me and saying "did you tell the guys I like cauliflower or something because I have no idea what the hell is going on. I hate cauliflower." It was only later in the night that TPlan came clean with the whole ordeal. Ben remained mad at TPlan for most the night for fear of what I might say seeing as the cauliflower boutonniere would be featured in almost every picture we have. I guess you could say I was not surprised and knew what I was marrying into....friends included. I have to admit it was pretty funny. Look close at the pictures....hard to tell but yes Ben is rocking a vegetable. Please look close at the pic below....it is totally a vegetable.......

Oh course let's not forget that I couldn't find Ben for about 1 hour. I finally find him nestled up to the bar ripping shots with my college friends. The hotel had a no shot policy, however, Ben and his charming self convinced the bartender to allow it. I was shocked, but was totally game, and got on board with the shot taking right away. I danced all night long and was sad to see the night end.

Our wedding was the single happiest day of our lives. It was so much fun. It was the last time that everyone we cared about was together and Ben was healthy, and handsome, and all mine.

To say I miss you would be saying it lightly. I recently had someone come into my life. She is an inspiration and has given me direction again. She has made me understand that the blog has value and I plan to keep writing. I love you Buddy. Happy Anniversary where ever you are.

Shake it Like A Rice

This past weekend I again headed back to the Windy City. This time my visit was for a wedding...a wedding of some close friends. I decided to head into Chicago a day early so that I could spend some time with family and friends. I condo crashed with my cuz D-Res. I love seeing her, however after this weekend, I'm not so sure she feels the same.

Friday night started with a bang. I had dinner and drinks at Benchmark with Dana and Melis. My first error of the night was not eating enough for dinner and having a bit to much to drink. I can't drink much these days, so after 2 glasses of wine, walking in my fabulous Tory Burch wedges became a liability....hahah. The night sorta went downhill from there. There was a brief stop at Walgreens, where D-Res hula hooped in isle 5, followed up by a dance party at D-Res's featuring and the infamous "alligator". However the funniest moment of the night came with a full LMuttz meltdown. It went something like this. I was in the kitchen talking with Juan. I became increasing sad and told him how much I missed Ben. This was followed up with a full waterworks display. I continued the meltdown, and mentioned to Juan how much he would have loved Ben, seeing as they never met. I told Juan that I was so lonely and so pathetic....or something along those lines. But the kicker came after I professed to Juan that I was a piece of shit. And this is the direct quote. "Juan, I am so lonely....a total piece of shit. I mean look at me, I can't mow a lawn or run a rototiller." Juan just looked at me with a blank face. He was trying so hard not to laugh. Juan then looked me right in the eyes and said "Well what is lower than a piece of shit, because I don't even know what a rototiller is." My tears of sorrow turned into tears of laughter. Everyone was laughing out load. Juan told me that I was the funnest person he knew.

But the truth of the matter is that I do feel like a piece of shit. I am forced to admit almost everyday that there are things that I simply can't and won't do. I, over time, had become accustomed to Ben handling the "man's jobs", and now in his absence I am forced to do all these things myself. However for the record, I have yet to mow the lawn or rototiller a garden....what the hell?

It is just a sense of failure on so many levels. I feel like I have lost so much...my husband, my confidence, my sense of humor...I feel like I lost it all. The last 2 years have aged me...for real aged me. And I often times wonder if I look as bad as I feel. Will there come a day when someone thinks I'm cute.....likely not, I'm a train wreck!

So as I was saying, I was in Chicago for a wedding. This was the first wedding I went to alone, without Ben. I had such anxiety...I was nervous, and sad. It was the first time I had to find a way to zip my own dress. And zipping a dress alone is a challenge, a real challenge. It was the first time I didn't have Ben tell me that I looked pretty. It was the first time I didn't have him to dance with in almost 6 years. It was strange. I arrived at the Wit, with much reservation. However sometimes the anticipation ends up being much worse than the actual event. I ended up having a great time. And I made a great decision to take it easy on the wine at the wedding....this comes after a strong recommendation from Miss Melis and Miss Dana....wink wink. Actually this is some of the best advice I received all weekend. Alcohol makes me sad, and I didn't want to cry at the wedding. I reserved the drinking for the after party. And I am so glad I didn't drink much at the wedding because the bride and groom mentioned Ben, and losing him this year. It was so special. Jenna and Scottie are amazing friends. And the bride looked show stopping.

I was so touched that during their special day they too were thinking of Ben. Ben was also featured in a slide show. Seeing his picture the first time took my breath away, but after the initial shock it was comforting to see him. I was like "there you are my handsome hubby". Following this my friend Natalie and I decided to get some air. This turned out to be quite an adventure. Natalie and I ended up getting locked in the stairwell on the 27th floor. We had to walk down 22 flights of stairs in high heels before being rescued. It was so silly and so frickin funny. I am not shocked....let's just say that.

The night carried on well into the early am hours, and a large group of us continued the after party at Mahoney's. And for those of you who don't know me, staying out till 3 :30 am is not my MO. But I was having such a great time. Mahoney's is an 80's dance bar, where they feature beer pong, flip cup, and adult Jenga. It was a blast. Everyone was having a great time. I still can't believe I stayed out till 3:30. I owe that to Ben. I know that if he was there, we would have been out, no questions asked. So for me, for us, I stayed out....no regrets.

It was almost bittersweet. Watching your friends pledge to love each other not matter what is so touching. It brings me such reassurance in hearing vows and knowing that Ben and I lived and kept our marital vows. We were committed...till death do us part. And this wedding comes just a week before my anniversary. It was hard not to reflect. I can close my eyes and see him at the end of the isle. I of course was crying as I walked to him, but Ben too had tears in his eyes. We loved each other.....we did. I remember his smell that day, or dancing the hora, or doing shots at the bar. I remember it all like it was yesterday.

My wedding was the single happiest day of my life, and I am so glad that I was there to share in the Rice's happiest day too. All my love and congrats Scottie and Jeanna. It was a honor being there.