Passover/Eggstravaganza

Dearest B,

Last week was quite an emotional roller coaster. It started out with Passover Monday night, and wrapped up with Easter on Sunday. I thought it best to go to the D and spend Passover with your family. I can't say how much I missed you, because no words can explain how it felt to have sadder without you. I was able to hold it together at dinner, but nearly crashed the car on the way back home.....don't tell D Bone, Big D, or Nanc. I was left thinking about a plethora of memories...good and bad, while crying my eyes out. I think Bear was welded to the seat. She was so scared and you know how she feels about the rumble strips....The trip home was stressful!

Let's not forget the first time I came home to meet your family for the Jewish Holiday's.....many of you know this story, but for those of you who don't it's worth sharing. I was so nervous to meet the family. Prior to our trip home, I asked you if it would be OK if I offered to help your mom in the kitchen. You said that she would be delighted to have my help, however with my Tref status, it would be necessary for me to wear protective equipment. For those Christian followers, Tref, means not kosher in Yiddish. You told me that I had to wear special gloves, and a suit so to not contaminate the food, since all food had to remain Kosher. Me, not knowing, believed you and I even discussed this with Nanc, who told me that I had to do whatever was needed to be done to respect the faith. We arrived home, and later that day, I marched my Tref ass into the kitchen, and proceeded to ask your mom if she would like my help. DBone was more than grateful and of course accepted my offer. I was so nervous, and stood there asking, "OK so where do I get the protective gear." I will never forget the look on your Mom's face. She looked at me like I was Nuts...me Nuts? More like fool! She then said "What the hell are you talking about." I proceeded to explain to her that you told me that since I was Tref that I would contaminate the food, therefore special equipment was necessary. She almost fell off her chair laughing so hard....it wasn't until you came into the kitchen that I realized I had been fooled.
This was just one of many pranks you pulled on my thought out our time together.

And let's not forget the first time I had gefilte fish....OMG. We were at Auntie E's, and I was starving. I could hardly take my eye off that wonderfully shaped round white ball, sitting so perfectly on the center of my plate. So after a few prayers and a little socializing, I dug right into what I thought was a decadine cream puff pastry. Boy was I wrong. Let me say that gefilte fish could not be more unlike a pastry than anything else known to man. For one, I don't like fish. I have tried to appreciate the bagels and lox and the gefilte fish, however I am not a fan. I will never be a fan. I love mandel bread, challah, egg salad, kugel, but not fish and not lox. So you can image my shock when I bit into the gefilte fish.....oy vey ismir. It literally took my breath away. To make matters worse, someone at the table noticed my immediate dislike, and my face turned bright red when I was called out. It was horrible, all the way around.

And of course lets not forget the atomic horse radish that is severed with almost every Jewish holiday dinner. I love horse radish, but no one mentioned to me that this particular horse radish can stop a heart. So I smeared so much horse radish on my matza that when I took a bit, I started to cough and had tears in my eyes instantly. You would think that you, my loving and adoring husband, would give your little shiksa wife a break....but no, this was all par for the course. I was just ripe for the picking...Your lucky that I'm such a good sport.

However, I must say, after a few rough runs through the Jewish holiday season I really feel like I have it down. I know the song, and even some prayers, but most importantly I know when to drink the wine.....no less than four glasses.....thank you very much, no problem! It just makes me so sad to think that we wont' be able to share these wonderful traditions with our children. Children we longed to have.

And let's not forget Easter. This year was so much fun. The kids are finally old enough to participate and understand. I helped with the egg hunt and the baskets, but I cried a ton. I feel so bad, because I don't want Arleigh and Kenz to think that this is normal behavior, but I'm so sad without you. Megs and I were trying to think of things that you would say to the kids or how much fun you would have had helping find the baskets. For whatever reason, all little kids love to play with your ring that I wear on a necklace around my neck. Kenz asked me this weekend what it was, and I told her that it was a wedding ring. She then proceed to ask who's...so naturally I told her. It broke my heart, and caught me so off guard, when she said....ohhhhh Uncle Ben, I love him......and then she smiled at me and said, Uncle Ben's in heaven. I mean she's 2 and she seems to know better than I do most days, where you are. I really hope that after everything we went though that you got a free pass to heaven and that you can still see me, even though I can't see you. I was just thinking today that it has been 5 months since I last saw you. 5 months, holy crap. With baseball in full swing I am really missing you. Well crap, I really miss you all the time. Everything reminds me of you. I often times wake up thinking today will be a better day, and it is those days that end up being the hardest. A sound, a smell, a song, a memory...just about everyone has a little bit of Ben in it.

Watching the Tigers brings me much sadness. Thinking back to last year when we went to the game with John and Megs. You were so sick but made the best out of the weekend. I'll never forget how much shit you were giving me for going to bed at 1 am. You wanted Megs and I to stay up and you were calling us lame....in Meg and I's defense, we aren't lame....wink wink. You were buying me drinks, and were more worried about me having a good time, then you feeling good. We had Evie's wedding the following day, and you were in so much pain, but again you put others first. This behavior landed you in the hospital the next week, and I believe we found out that the cancer had spread again. A great weekend, followed up by a horrible weekend....story of our life.

Today I felt really down, and a co-worker asked what was wrong, and I told him nothing. The truth is that it's not even worth explaining because no one seems to understand, or they really don't want to know the truth. The truth is that I miss you. That I'm still heart broken and depressed and alone. I wanted to say, well what do you think it wrong? Or how would you feel after losing your husband/wife so young? But I don't, I just keep it in until I get home. Home where I'm safe and where I can be real with my heartache.

I love you so much. I still can't believe that I am never going to see you again. Staring at the empty side of the bed every night is a reminder that you are gone. I just hope that you had a wonderful Passover as well as a wonderful Easter...surrounded by loving family and friends that you have reconnected with. Please come see me soon.

All my Love,
L

Throw for Dough

Hi Pretty Pie,

Last weekend GVSU held the most beautiful memorial in your honor and they hosted an unveiling of your name in the memorial garden. It is so unbelievable to think, that you, Benjamin Ross Mutnick had such a profound impact on so many people. What you did, and who you were transcended state lines and country borders....it is astounding. The memorial wall reads, Benjamin Mutnick, "Awesome Prof", and damn it you were. You should be so proud. However beautiful the ceremony was, it was a harsh realization that you are gone. Gone forever from human form.

I was surrounded by loving family and friends, but I still longed for you. I am enclosing some of the words and stories shared during the service. Two student wrote...."Looking back on our first day of class with Professor Mutnick, we saw a joyful, young dedicated professor, despite his unknown suffering. As time passed by we watched his health deteriorate yet his demeanor remained consistent with what we noticed the first day of class. Professor Mutnick was always positive, patient, humorous, and above all determined to help his students succeed. Though his time was short at GVSU, Professor Mutnick's life impacted the way we view life and the hardships that come our way. His endurance will undoubtedly have a lasting impression on all of those who had the joy and honor of knowing him. The girls then went on to share a poem. A poem that so fittingly describes our circumstance......


God looked around His garden
And He found an empty place
He then looked down upon the earth
And saw your precious face

He put His arms around you
And lifted you to rest;
God' s Garden must be beautiful
He always takes the best.

He knew that you were suffering
He knew you were in pain
He knew you' d never ever
Get well on earth again.

So He closed your weary eyelids
And whispered " Peace be thine "
Then He took you up to Heaven
With Hands so gentle and kind.

It broke our hearts to lose you
But you did not go alone,
For part of us went with you
The day God welcomed you home.

Your boss Paul, went on to share that even though he didn't have a ton a time to get to know you, you forever left an impression. He was impressed with your dedication to the students, and your ability to infuse humor with academic strives. He also mentioned your love for sweets, and how much your eyes lit up when he brought you English Candy Bars. The Yorkie Bar wrapper read....not for girls, and trust me, you didn't share! I think Paul, knows you better than he thinks, since the quickest way to your heart was through your stomach.


I'll never forget the first time I came to visit you in Lasing. I brought you the biggest tub of homemade cookies, and by the end of the weekend they were gone. That, coupled with the Arcadia Bluff Golf Round sealed the deal for me. I knew, in the end, I would get a ring. I would wager to say you loved golf, and sweets more than me....just kidding......I can hear you now saying, "L, I love you the most, but I love you the most making cookies...haha".

Scott and Rob also spoke. Rob mentioned that you brought light to a dark and cramped office, and that he was lucky to know you. And Scott told the story of how upset you were, when they told you they were going to lighten your class load next semester. I'll never forget that day. You were so upset because you thought people thought you were weak. I had to make you understand that they didn't think you were weak, but brave, and that they were just trying to help. It was meant to be something wonderful, and you thought it was an insult....in true Ben form. You were so stubborn! Man did you give me a run for the money!

And of course I'll never forget the day I had to tell Paul that you would not be returning to GVSU. Paul didn't entirely understand what I was saying because he said "So when exactly will Ben be returning", and I replied "never". Never! What a thing to say right? This was definitely something very unexpected to your entire department.

However to honor you, Paul and the HTM Department started a scholarship in your honor. It is something that we will always have. Following the memorial, GVSU hosted a fund raising event at the Griffins game. The funds collected will be used in a annual scholarship....The Benjamin Mutnick Mettle Memorial Scholarship...say that 5 times fast. You were someone....you are somebody that has left a true imprint. Smile Big BMuttz...Smile Big.

Te Amo

Hola Benito,

Since my return from Mexico, I feel compelled to speak any form of Spanish that I know...funny right? Seeing that I know no Spanish whatsoever. I find myself saying things like muy hungry, or "bank you very much"...(inside joke). My vacation was pretty nice. Very relaxing, just what the doctor ordered, that and a cold pina colada.

The beautiful beaches and wonderful weather took me back to our days in Costa Rica. My curly hair, and tan body....your curly hair and red body. I wish I could say that Dana didn't make the same mistake as you did with overdoing it in the sun, but that would be a lie. She is convinced the Banana Boat lotion let her down, but I have other theories. However I am tan! Even Hannah will confirm...dark as dark can be.

Playa Del Carmen was beautiful. It was here I felt your presence the most. For one, I was the closest I have been to heaven yet....being in an airplane and all. I kept looking out the window for you. Silly to think that I would actually see you, but I thought it was worth a shot. I guess I wish that Heaven was a place I could visit. Just imagine if for one day, I could pack up Perro and Gato and drive the Subaru to meet you for breakfast. You would order your favorite real food cafe Breakfast Monte Cristo, and I would have coffee and a piece of toast. We wouldn't even have to talk! We would simply enjoy each other's company, but that's wishful thinking.

But really Mexico gave me time to reflect. My mind was quiet. It was here I could hear my soul, hear my heartbeat, hear your voice. Every morning, Dana and I got up and worked out, and following every workout I laid in the hammock by the ocean. The warm tropical breeze was blowing in my hair, and the ocean was a blue you only see in your dreams. I often times listened to the play list you left for me on my IPod titled, "I love you". Something I didn't know existed until after you passed away. A perfect little surprise that brings me back to you every time I listen. It was while listening to these songs that I really began to appreciate what we had. I'm not just saying this because you were my husband, but you and I really had something. Something so special. And it wasn't about money, or jobs, it was about love. Undeniable, Unselfish LOVE.

It was as though you were pushing the hammock as I looked into the distance for you. I willed myself to see you as you truly were. I tried to push past the memories of you with a walker, a cane, a swollen face, no hair, hair again, a chemo fanny pack, a chemo and pain fanny pack. I looked into our past, where some of our greatest memories are stored. It was like unlocking a hidden treasure chest. I smiled through tears.

I cried for you every day. I shared our stories with 2 new friends. Friends that Dana brought me to know and love. They let me talk about you and it was really healing. So many people would rather not talk about it/you. I guess some people figure that it's easier not to talk about you or my experience with cancer, and the loss of a loved one....a tragic loss, a loss so horrific that there are not many times that I can talk about it without crying. But that is not helpful and really hurtful. It was refreshing to talk about you and to share some of our happiest stories. You were so close, I could feel you.

I wish I could say returning from my vacation was easy, but it was quite the opposite. I returned to the house of horrors....a house I hate. It was quiet, and there was no one to welcome me. I long to share my stories of my with you. But I find comfort in knowing that one day you and I will be together again....drinking Makers Mark and Bloody Mary's, sitting on rocking chairs, and again reminiscing on our life together. As short as our married time was, it was full of life, full of fun, and full of Love.....and that's all that really matters at the end of the day. So I will leave by simply saying Te amo (I love you).