My BFF

Dearest BFF,

This month is March Madness. A month I grew to love only after being force-fed and brain washed by my loving husband. Actually up until this year, I would wager to say that I was more geeked about March Madness than you. I think I won your heart over during our early years at MSU when I filled out my bracket based on team colors and kicked everyone's ass....haha sorry guys. No actually I won your heart over with a huge tub of homemade cookies and a casual conversation about NFL players. This conversation ended with me name dropping Chris Fuamatu-Ma'afalaof and you instantly proposing....just kidding the proposal didn't come for several years. Needless to say you were shocked and in love! But back to the matter at hand, this years March Madness is just not the same. Nasa and Diddy are running the pool in your honor, and I have won twice....hollar at cha boy. I know you had something to do with that. A wifey has to pay the bills somehow, nice looking out. But to be honest, I haven't watched much of the tournament. It brings me such sadness and leaves me feeling empty.

What most people don't understand is that I married my best friend. And what made our marriage work is that we were freinds first, so we cruised through the awkward get to know you stage, and moved right into the I love you stage. I can honestly say that we didn't get to share in the funny first date stories or moments. We were advanced and were on the fast track to love. I still can't believe this is my life. Many times I find myself thinking about our journey and feeling so sad for that person and her family, before realizing that the person I'm feeling sorry for is actually me....me!

I was simply not ready, not ready to be a widow, not ready so say goodbye to my best friend, and not ready to quit the fight. I'll never forget the day you let go. You were so sick and I was so scared. My parents showed up to hospice unexpectedly. We were all sitting by your bedside and I turned to my dad and said. "Dad you have never lied to me, so don't lie to me now, but is Ben dying?" And my dad paused, looked away, and turned back to me with tears in his eyes, and said "Marie, without a doubt. I'm not sure when, but Ben is not going to be with you much longer." And in my heart I knew this to be true, but I couldn't come to terms with the fact that I was actually going to have to let you go. I was so scared, but knew that your journey was just beginning. There are times that I wish I was the one in Heaven because being the survivor is for the birds, for the freaking birds. However I am trying to make the best of what I have. I have so much to live for, I have to live for you. And don't worry I plan to run the Chicago Marathon for us both. I am working hard to get my out of shape ass back in gear so I can "Bring It". I worked in a "Rich" Quote for the Rhombones..how do you like that!

I am leaving for vacation soon, only to return for the Throw for Dough. I really think it is going to be a wonder event. I anticipate it to be a pretty emotional day, but it's all for you. All for the person who had to die to show everyone how much life has to offer. You taught so many people so many lessons, including me, and for that I'm grateful. I am glad to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I know love....I have lived love, the best love there is to offer. And some people will live a lifetime without finding "our love".





I think of you so much. There isn't a moment when I don't see you, hear your, think of you. I miss you more than words can say. Bear and Gato send their love too.
Until next time.....
Your BFF.... AMo.

Star Light Star Bright

Dear Ben,

It has now been 14 weeks since I've seen that crocked smile or held your pudgy hands. I continue to struggle with the fact that you are gone. Gone forever from my physical grasp. Megs, Mike, and the kids came in town this past weekend. It was busy.....that's for sure. Arleigh Grace is a perfect blend of Megs and I. She doesn't stop for a minute, just like her Auntie, however she is such a scaredy cat, just like Mommy. Arleigh might be the only kid I know afraid of butterflies. By the way we took the kids to the butterfly gardens. It was a nice distraction, but to be honest it doesn't take the pain away. What brings me deep sadness is the fact that the kids are never going to know how great their Uncle Ben was. All they have are pictures, but those pale in comparison as to how great you are in person. Unfortunately they are too young to remember your humor, or your passion for life, and they are never going to get a golf lesson from a man who was more than willing to teach. All they are going to remember is a sad and lost Auntie. It breaks my heart when Kensley asks, "where's Uncle Ben", or when she answers her own question by saying, "Uncle Ben's in Heaven". It's just not the same, and everyone's' hurting.

Dana and I booked a vacation to Mexico. The official countdown is on. I must say, other than you, I don't know anyone more deserving of a vacation than me.....is that self centered to say? Well I don't care....I need a vacation. And no taking off 2 weeks for your funeral doesn't count as a vacation! Can you believe someone actually had the gull to say that I had a vacation a few months ago....I don't think so, dream on, dream on. Not that Mexico is going to make me feel better, but at least I get to sulk in a bathing suit in the sun, drinking a dirty monkey.....our favorite. Let's just hope that I don't get too drunk and wander off the resort....that's all Big D and Nanc need....a call from the Mexican Drug Cartel.

And you won't believe this.....GVSU is starting a memorial fund in your name. The scholarhship has been named the Benjamin Mutnick Mettle Memorial Scholarship.
Mettle is defined as "a person's ability to cope well with difficulties or to face a demanding situation in a spirited and resilient way" or "the quality of mind enabling one to face danger or hardship resolutely". What an honor.....what an honor. You continue to inspire and touch people, simply amazing.

So tonight, I hope to see you in my dreams, and I plan to wish upon a star. I have yet to dream of my healthy and loving husband. Unfortunately the only image I am able to see, is the shell of who you became as a result of the unforgiving disease you had. Cancer destroyed so much of who you were, but it didn't damage your heart or your love for me. I only hope that some day, the Ben that I new and loved will come to see me in my dreams........

Star light, star bright, First star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might, Have the wish I wish tonight.