Today marks 11 weeks since I saw your loving face, since I held your hand, since I shared a kiss or hug. I thought long and hard whether to write again on the blog and thought that maybe this would be a way to let you know what I have been up to. So this addition of the blog is going to be letters to you. Maybe I will be able to express how hard this process has been and maybe in doing so it will help with the healing process.
This past weekend Bear and I took our first road trip alone. It was very different having me behind the wheel and Bear buckled in in the front seat. I know, I know, you said that she was only to ride in the back, but what can I do? At this point she is good company and don't worry I'm cautious. I would never put our baby at risk, especially now with me depending so much on her, but I know you already know this.
Back to the road trip...Bear and I went to visit your mom and brother. It was a really nice weekend but I must say, going to the house you grew up in without you was pretty strange. I kept looking in the living room, thinking I was going to see you all laid out in the chaise lounge, watching sports center, checking the computer. And no matter how many times I told myself you weren't going to be there, I still looked. I longed to see you. I think of a little kid who wishes so hard to see Santa, or the Tooth Fairy. I am that kid, who is sitting on the floor with her eyes closed so tight her forehead is wrinkled, wishing to see you again...what a joke right!
Your mom and brother were great, but they too are deeply saddened by your loss. It still seems so unreal. Like you can't really be gone, but I know no matter how hard I wish this to go away it won't. Tomorrow is Valentines Day. A day I have always hated, this you know. It is a silly Hallmark Holiday, however your were a huge supporter of Valentines Day since D-Bone owned the Hallmark store for 16 years. I guess you could say you paved the way.
I'll never forget the weekend we were in Chicago for my review class. This was before we moved
to the Windy City. You went to watch the State Game with your friends, and understandably had a few drinks. You showed up late, and very drunk for our Valentines Dinner, however what made the day special was that before you left you decorated the room with so roses and rose pedals. You wrote a heart felt card that you left on the pillow and you made dinner reservations....all a surprise to me. It was so thought out and planned that from that day on, I grew to love Valentines Day and looked forward to a true surprise from you every year to follow. This will be my first V-Day without you and I am struggling.Last year you sent me flowers and the card read....." I love you so much and I couldn't do any of this without you. You're a blessing and I can't ever show you how much I appreciate you and truly love you. Happy Valentines Day. Love, B" Well B, the feeling is mutual, however I am now the one left wondering how I'm supposed to continue on without you. I guess in time my pain will subside some however, I am changed. I plan to bring you flowers tomorrow and celebrate Valentines Day with you, so look for me after work.
I love you with all my heart and hope to see you soon in my dreams.
Love Always,
Linds
