Making A List, Checking It Twice

The Holidays are such a hard time of year. I dubbed Ben, Tim the Tool Man of Christmas. Oh my goodness do I have some funny holiday stories. I don't know a Jewish man who loved Christmas, and Christmas lights more than Benjamin Ross Mutnick. He counted down the days each year until he could dust off the "Christmas Box", and deck the halls. As a matter of fact, I think part of the reason he asked me to marry him was so that he could finally be a part of the entire holiday experience...i.e. presents and stocking stuffers.

The first year we owned our condo in Chicago, I received a call from Ben telling me to hurry home, he had a surprise....a surprise? Like a ring? Like an engagement ring? I drove my 4 door Protege home, like Tony Stewart at the Indy 500. I kept thinking....it's really happening, I'm getting engaged. I pulled into our parking spot, squealing the tires of my maroon ride, and hauled ass inside. I run up the spiral staircase only to find my entire condo decked out in holiday cheer. Ben decided to go on a wild shopping spree at the local CVS, and managed to hang lights where I didn't think lights could be hung. All I could think was....holy tacky. Mutnick are you kidding? He had out the menorahs, and figurines, and stockings, and so many lights you had to wear sunglasses and SPF to watch TV. I'm thinking....I rushed home for this? Where's the ring? There's a ring right?

That same year, we hosted our annual law school gang Holiday party. Everyone came, and everyone stayed. We own a small 2 bedroom condo in the City. It was a tight fit, and there were bodies everywhere, but we packed it in. The night featured Amber's legendary punch, adult onesie pajamas, drinking Jenga....Ben's idea not a good one, and a search and rescue party for John and Bear. John kidnapped Bear and held her hostage...haha no way. John took Bear outside for a potty break and ended up locked out and alone on the stairs in the main entrance of the condo. Rest assured we all noticed that Bear was missing and found them safe and sound....wait, we realized John was missing...wink wink. The night ended with Julia mattress surfing and Justin landing the best ever White Elephant Statue you could find. Gosh did we ever have a good time.

Our first year in Michigan, as a married couple, Ben again was determined to outfit our rental home with Christmas cheers. I felt like I was part of the Christmas vacation movie. We made a trip to Home Depot where I gave Ben, or tried to give Ben, the 411 on Christmas tree purchasing. I tried to explain that it was CRITICAL that the stump of the tree was flat. I told Ben the legendary Don Homrich, Christmas tree-jump rope story. And how Big D purchased a tree with an uneven stump, causing the tree to tip so bad, that he was forced to tie the tree with a jump rope....neon purple to boot, to the valence in the living room. I told Ben that he didn't want a crooked tree.....oh how men don't listen. We ended up bringing home the worst tree Home Depot had for sale....and what a shock, that damn tree leaned like crazy. What made matters worse was that same night Ben decided to hang Christmas lights in the front tree....we had over one thousand lights. I once again offered my Christmas advice urging Ben to make sure he wired the lights the correct way....again tuned me out. He only realized how important my advice was when we went to plug the lights in, and he ended up with a female to female connection....that's right no prong to plug into the wall. You could see the rage on his face. He worked on that tree for hours and for what? Not to light up. I thought, you idiot, you raging idiot....hahahah. So me, being the wife that I am decided to drive to the Home Depot and make this right. I crafted a homemade male to male adapter....prongs on both ends. This is very dangerous...people please don't try this at home. I drove that little Protege back home to show Ben the adapter that I made. At this point he was so pissed he didn't care whether the tree lit up or not. But I was determined to spread the Holiday cheer. I went outside and plugged the adapter in. However in that same moment, I also electrocuted myself.....i felt the current running down my arms. I was so scared and threw that cord down, and by God that stupid ass tree lit up like the Forth of July. All of this trouble for what I'll tell you what for....for Ben. I risked my life in the name of Christmas, and in the name of Ben Mutnick.......what a clown.

And most years we decorated cookies, and lit candles for Hanukkah. Ben didn't miss a beat....not when it came to the Holidays. I decided this year to again forgo decorating. I figure, why go to all that trouble for me...well Bear and I. It takes way too much time to take all that stuff out, just to turn around and put it all back. Maybe I am scrooge, or maybe it is my way of repressing some of the happiest and now saddest times of my life. I'll never forget how happy Ben was to see all the presents under our tree, or to fill my stocking with gifts. I'll never forget him saying to me how magical Santa really was, and how proud he was to be an uncle and to share in the magic behind Santa.

It's wild to think that this time last year I was walking behind Ben's casket. I had already lost him, and was now burying him. It was best friends 30th birthday....what a birthday present right? I was out with the guys having a makers mark on the rocks, taking shots at a local bar following the funeral. We were watching State...it was a cloud.....and out of no where Yellow Led Bedder started playing....our wedding song. I burst into tears. And then tonight I was at the salon getting my nails done and they were serving whisky....so fitting right? I had a glass and felt like crying. A glass of whisky in your honor. Monday was the year anniversary of your death. I tried hard to celebrate Ben's life instead of dwelling on his death. I tried to remember the great times. Stories have been flowing all week about Ben.... some funny and some sad. People keep saying that I seem to be better, but what most people don't know is that I am still really sad, however I have gotten great at hiding how I feel, how I really feel. Going to the cemetery is still hard and still heartbreaking. I mean Ben has a headstone, a real f-ing headstone. I went on Monday to honor him/visit him. Let's just cut out the bullshit....it sucked. Bear kept looking around for her papa. It's like she knew he was there....she had a moment with him, I'm sure of that. I still feel like he is gone on vacation somewhere where he can't take a call and that he might, might come home...but deep down, in that place, I don't like to go, I know that he is gone and is not coming back. I have accepted that his journey was one that had to end here on Earth, even though that decision has caused me endless heartache......and much weight loss. I'm here to tell you, there is nothing better than the grief diet. I hope this past year for Ben has been one filled with fun and peace.....I think of you everyday buddy.