Tonight for some reason I was drawn to watch the movie the Time Traveler's Wife. This is a movie based on the best selling novel with the same name. A novel that I tried to read, but found a bit to strange and far to less believable for my liking. However, the movie attracted my attention because I am a huge Rachel McAdams fan and thought why not.
The movie is a love story about a man with a genetic disorder that allows him to time warp. Time warp you say? I often times wonder what it would be like to time warp. To be able to move forward and backward in time allowing us to relive our best memories, to see the exact moment when you knew that you loved me, and that I loved you back. Or the day you proposed...it was perfect.
It is strange, but I have developed a routine. Every night I get into bed and I go on facebook. And not for the latest gossip or drama. I actually find facebook very
upsetting at times. People tend to air their dirty laundry on facebook, and often times feel inclined to post things like FML, when they in fact have no reason to post this. I want to say to these people, really F your life? Why don't you come over to my house or come with me to the cemetery and really find out what it feels like to have a f-ed up life. And this may make me sound cold, or like a bitch, but really things are never as bad as they seem, that is, until you hit the bottom of the barrel. Once your at the bottom, you realize how silly all other minor matters really are. It takes something this tragic to give you a clear vision of what matters, of what really sucks, and how narrow sighted people can be.
upsetting at times. People tend to air their dirty laundry on facebook, and often times feel inclined to post things like FML, when they in fact have no reason to post this. I want to say to these people, really F your life? Why don't you come over to my house or come with me to the cemetery and really find out what it feels like to have a f-ed up life. And this may make me sound cold, or like a bitch, but really things are never as bad as they seem, that is, until you hit the bottom of the barrel. Once your at the bottom, you realize how silly all other minor matters really are. It takes something this tragic to give you a clear vision of what matters, of what really sucks, and how narrow sighted people can be. Oh boy I'm going off on a tangent...back to the purpose of the my original mention of facebook.....as I was saying, every night I go on facebook to Ben's page. It is here that I go through the same 289 photos that he has posted to his account. I have the order memorized. I know first comes some of our wedding photos, followed up by the madame photos, and then a ton of the "We Got This" family photos, and so on. I look forward to these photos, but wonder if it is ever possible to be as happy as I was on our wedding day. In looking at those photos I see true bliss, true love, true happiness. To be honest I don't know if I will ever again be that happy. I don't doubt that I will again find happiness, but will I ever find that kind of happiness?
If I could just time travel, I could find out if your at least safe and happy, and I could find out if you remember me. I know that I will never forget you, but have you already forgotten me? Or are you watching? Do you see me cry? Do you know how much I miss you?
My life has been so infected with disease and with cancer that when people ask me questions relative to dates, I actually think to myself, was that pre-cancer or post-cancer. Did that happen before Ben died, or after. My life is in a holding pattern...this grief thing really really sucks.
And then of course there is that one cancer patient that keeps haunting me. I referenced his case in an earlier post, and then on Friday our department had to see him again. It is really really difficult. He reminds me so much of Ben it is sickening. It is so difficult to see him that I found myself pretty drunk with friends on Friday night. And I don't like getting drunk at all. I hate it as a matter of fact. Every now and again it's OK,, but the hangover is what kills me. Not to mention I get really chatty when I'm drunk, and I can never be certain what will fly out of my mouth.....oy vey. And the booze makes me miss you even more. Booze=recipe for disaster.
Moving on is so difficult. I thought that I was ready to take my wedding rings off the other day, but I'm not. I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet. It is just difficult to find my place. Where do I fit in? I'm not married, I'm actually single, but I don't want to be single, I want to be married. I didn't choose this. I actually had no say in my own future. But there are times I look at my rings and think what a joke. They aren't wedding rings anymore. They don't represent a union between two married human individuals. I'm alone, I'm very very alone. I wish you were here to help. You always knew what to say to make me feel better or to smile. I miss our secret handshake, I miss your face.
I love you Ben and wish things wound have ended much better for us.
XOXOXOXXO
Your little Lady
