Oh The Places You Will Go

Gosh it feels like months since I last posted. I guess you could say I have been busy. I recently spoke with TPlan and he said something that really left a lasting impact. We were talking about Ben and where I was in my journey. I told TPlan that I was doing better, more good days, than bad, but none the less still heartbroken. I told him that I am trying my best to do what I can for Ben....and TPlan said, "at some point you need to stop living for Ben and start living for you. Ben needs you to go on, he needs you to live." Wow, TPlan is right....I need to do what I need to do for me, and I have really really embraced this.

December has been a busy month. I spent the first weekend of December attending 3 holiday parties in one day. And two were Ugly Christmas Sweater flip cup parties. Unfortunately both parties were planned to include the State game....need I say more. Gosh, watching that game, was like a dagger to the heart. I still can't talk about that game....why do I care so much about MSU? Well maybe it's because so much of who I am is MSU....I did all my growing up at MSU. The parties were a hit, and the best part of my night was tackling Phil at Gail's house. I should come with a waver, disclosing my uncontrolled tendencies to jump/tackle men at parties. I guess I don't know why I do it, but I love doing it....so much fun. I think for me, it amounts to me being able to say you just got taken down by a hamster, a little girl with no strength, just schooled your ass....ha!

Then lets not forget the long runs with the boardwalk crew, and our weekly whirlpool Wednesdays. I, without a doubt, have been living, living life. I can say for sure, that when I smile now, it's a real smile. I am finding Joy again. It's crazy to think about all the people I have meet on my journey. People who are battling cancer, people who cared for Ben, people from the building, old friends, new friends, Chicago friends, college friends, law school friends, and I love them all. The thing about me, is that you get what you get. I am Lindsay...take it or leave it. And when I love you, I love you. I could not have done this without my friends. My friends saved my life...so thank you guys.

And this past week, I went to the Wizard of OZ with Ms. G, hosted a serious holiday party, stayed out late, laughed my ass off, danced my ass off, relaxed, and ran a road race. I am taking full advantage of every opportunity. And in my heart, I know that I will one day find love again. I am a hopeless romantic, and one guy will be stupid enough to take the bait. I am not meant to be alone forever....it's just not possible. The Wizard of OZ was great. It was so suiting since the most selfless gift I ever received from Ben was tickets to Wicked. I wanted to see Wicked so bad, I would have made a trade with the devil. And Ben kept saying, no stop asking. Well this was all to throw me off the scent. I was so stunned that he actually got me tickets for Christmas I cried. To think that he was going to do something with me that didn't involve sports, or fantasy football was amazing. He really did it for me. So during the Wizard of OZ, I kept thinking about Ben. Ben was laughing while I sang my butt off, and smiled. Michele and I had a great time. And the night would not have been complete without a funny Lindsay moment. I convinced Michele to take off her shoes and walk barefoot. Her feet were killing her, and why not walk around GR without shoes in the middle of December? Why would anyone listen to my advice? I make terrible decisions, but she did, and we ended up laughing so hard, we were close to tears.

Then Friday brought the Holiday Party. Carrie and I stayed home, did some baking, some cooking, and some drinking, and by 7 we were ready to get the party started. I had friends over from all walks of life. I was honored to have them over. I kept looking around, and thinking about how lucky I was. I mean, why am I so lucky to have so many great friends? Again the night was filled with so much laughing, that my abs actually hurt. From the spittoon, to the hopper, to the dance floor....funny moments galore. I am already excited about our next girls night out!!!!

And today Bear and I ran the Whoville race with Carrie, and Erin. It was a short 5K, but it was so much fun. I can honestly say, I am living. I am doing it! I know Ben is happy. He would want this. It still is crazy to think he is gone. It is crazy to think about everything I did, he did, in our first ear of marriage. I still think about him everyday, but I know he is watching. He is smiling, smiling big. So it is my hope that he has a wonderful Christmas, and that I am able to get through the Holidays...the holidays are hard. But, I am strong dammit, and I will prevail.

Making A List, Checking It Twice

The Holidays are such a hard time of year. I dubbed Ben, Tim the Tool Man of Christmas. Oh my goodness do I have some funny holiday stories. I don't know a Jewish man who loved Christmas, and Christmas lights more than Benjamin Ross Mutnick. He counted down the days each year until he could dust off the "Christmas Box", and deck the halls. As a matter of fact, I think part of the reason he asked me to marry him was so that he could finally be a part of the entire holiday experience...i.e. presents and stocking stuffers.

The first year we owned our condo in Chicago, I received a call from Ben telling me to hurry home, he had a surprise....a surprise? Like a ring? Like an engagement ring? I drove my 4 door Protege home, like Tony Stewart at the Indy 500. I kept thinking....it's really happening, I'm getting engaged. I pulled into our parking spot, squealing the tires of my maroon ride, and hauled ass inside. I run up the spiral staircase only to find my entire condo decked out in holiday cheer. Ben decided to go on a wild shopping spree at the local CVS, and managed to hang lights where I didn't think lights could be hung. All I could think was....holy tacky. Mutnick are you kidding? He had out the menorahs, and figurines, and stockings, and so many lights you had to wear sunglasses and SPF to watch TV. I'm thinking....I rushed home for this? Where's the ring? There's a ring right?

That same year, we hosted our annual law school gang Holiday party. Everyone came, and everyone stayed. We own a small 2 bedroom condo in the City. It was a tight fit, and there were bodies everywhere, but we packed it in. The night featured Amber's legendary punch, adult onesie pajamas, drinking Jenga....Ben's idea not a good one, and a search and rescue party for John and Bear. John kidnapped Bear and held her hostage...haha no way. John took Bear outside for a potty break and ended up locked out and alone on the stairs in the main entrance of the condo. Rest assured we all noticed that Bear was missing and found them safe and sound....wait, we realized John was missing...wink wink. The night ended with Julia mattress surfing and Justin landing the best ever White Elephant Statue you could find. Gosh did we ever have a good time.

Our first year in Michigan, as a married couple, Ben again was determined to outfit our rental home with Christmas cheers. I felt like I was part of the Christmas vacation movie. We made a trip to Home Depot where I gave Ben, or tried to give Ben, the 411 on Christmas tree purchasing. I tried to explain that it was CRITICAL that the stump of the tree was flat. I told Ben the legendary Don Homrich, Christmas tree-jump rope story. And how Big D purchased a tree with an uneven stump, causing the tree to tip so bad, that he was forced to tie the tree with a jump rope....neon purple to boot, to the valence in the living room. I told Ben that he didn't want a crooked tree.....oh how men don't listen. We ended up bringing home the worst tree Home Depot had for sale....and what a shock, that damn tree leaned like crazy. What made matters worse was that same night Ben decided to hang Christmas lights in the front tree....we had over one thousand lights. I once again offered my Christmas advice urging Ben to make sure he wired the lights the correct way....again tuned me out. He only realized how important my advice was when we went to plug the lights in, and he ended up with a female to female connection....that's right no prong to plug into the wall. You could see the rage on his face. He worked on that tree for hours and for what? Not to light up. I thought, you idiot, you raging idiot....hahahah. So me, being the wife that I am decided to drive to the Home Depot and make this right. I crafted a homemade male to male adapter....prongs on both ends. This is very dangerous...people please don't try this at home. I drove that little Protege back home to show Ben the adapter that I made. At this point he was so pissed he didn't care whether the tree lit up or not. But I was determined to spread the Holiday cheer. I went outside and plugged the adapter in. However in that same moment, I also electrocuted myself.....i felt the current running down my arms. I was so scared and threw that cord down, and by God that stupid ass tree lit up like the Forth of July. All of this trouble for what I'll tell you what for....for Ben. I risked my life in the name of Christmas, and in the name of Ben Mutnick.......what a clown.

And most years we decorated cookies, and lit candles for Hanukkah. Ben didn't miss a beat....not when it came to the Holidays. I decided this year to again forgo decorating. I figure, why go to all that trouble for me...well Bear and I. It takes way too much time to take all that stuff out, just to turn around and put it all back. Maybe I am scrooge, or maybe it is my way of repressing some of the happiest and now saddest times of my life. I'll never forget how happy Ben was to see all the presents under our tree, or to fill my stocking with gifts. I'll never forget him saying to me how magical Santa really was, and how proud he was to be an uncle and to share in the magic behind Santa.

It's wild to think that this time last year I was walking behind Ben's casket. I had already lost him, and was now burying him. It was best friends 30th birthday....what a birthday present right? I was out with the guys having a makers mark on the rocks, taking shots at a local bar following the funeral. We were watching State...it was a cloud.....and out of no where Yellow Led Bedder started playing....our wedding song. I burst into tears. And then tonight I was at the salon getting my nails done and they were serving whisky....so fitting right? I had a glass and felt like crying. A glass of whisky in your honor. Monday was the year anniversary of your death. I tried hard to celebrate Ben's life instead of dwelling on his death. I tried to remember the great times. Stories have been flowing all week about Ben.... some funny and some sad. People keep saying that I seem to be better, but what most people don't know is that I am still really sad, however I have gotten great at hiding how I feel, how I really feel. Going to the cemetery is still hard and still heartbreaking. I mean Ben has a headstone, a real f-ing headstone. I went on Monday to honor him/visit him. Let's just cut out the bullshit....it sucked. Bear kept looking around for her papa. It's like she knew he was there....she had a moment with him, I'm sure of that. I still feel like he is gone on vacation somewhere where he can't take a call and that he might, might come home...but deep down, in that place, I don't like to go, I know that he is gone and is not coming back. I have accepted that his journey was one that had to end here on Earth, even though that decision has caused me endless heartache......and much weight loss. I'm here to tell you, there is nothing better than the grief diet. I hope this past year for Ben has been one filled with fun and peace.....I think of you everyday buddy.