Sorry everyone in the delay of updating the blog. Much has happened from my last entry including moving and finding Jetta a new home. Let's take this from the top. So about three weeks ago I made a hard decision to get rid of kitty. This decision came with much heartache, however I realized at the end of the day I had to do something for myself and getting rid of Jetta was one of those things. First off, I am not a bad pet owner. Jetta was a package deal (one of those it's me and the cat or neither), and I felt Ben was worth the sacrifice. I am super allergic to the cat, and Ben knew that. So the only way for me to be comfortable in my own home was to medicate. And Ben made me a promise that I would never never have to clean the cat litter. And here I was cleaning the cat litter, cursing Ben for leaving me with a cat that caused me such health complications. As you all know, I found a perfect condo, and kitty just didn't fit. There was not room enough for the cat, bear, and I, so one of us had to go....sorry Jetta.
I found Jetta the perfect home. She is staying with my Aunt Sarah, who also has a cat, and two perfect daughters, who are also helping to care for the cat. Of course, Jetta cried to entire ride, which made the whole process much harder. I arrived in Plainwell with swollen eyes and a heavy heart. I felt like I was letting Ben down. That he was going to come back and get me for abandoning Jetta. And then I had this feeling that my personal family is getting smaller by the month. First Ben, now Jetta, and at some point Bear. So in the end I am going to be all alone. Alone...so alone. It was harder then I expected. But I still left her, and never looked back. I thought that if I looked back, I would end up running back inside grabbing her, and bringing her home, despite the fact that it was not right for me.
Of course, just as I suspected Ben did come back to get me. Sunday, the very next day, I got stung by a bee. For those of you who don't know, I am super allergic to bee stings. I was alone and scared. I called the Lipfords....I didn't know who to call. It was a reality check of how alone, an
d almost helpless I am. I asked them to call my parents. My mom called hysterical and coached me through what I needed to do. First things first, give yourself your epi shot. Well that would have been perfect expect my epi pen was 5 years expired....oooppppps. My mom said, and I quote, "Lindsay you are so dumb. That is just stupid." Yes thanks Nanc, I know that, but what do I do now. So I ended up having to call 911. And 2 firetrucks and one ambulance later, I was back in the game. I kept telling Ben over and over that I was sorry about the cat. And don't think that for just 1 second I thought to myself, why don't you just sit down and let Ben come and get you. If you want you can see him today......just don't call anyone. But then I thought of my nieces and newphew and my parents, and I thought, I guess I better call for help. So I got epi, and some benedryl, and John had to come and get me for 5 hours of supervision. What a day.....and I still have a hive on my butt. Did I mention I got stung in my ass.....why not.So the following weeks have been spent moving me into boardwalk. What a process. I have to say....I have a ton of crap. And Big D, Jr., and Josh will not let me forget how much stuff I have. The saddest part of the move is hearing my Dad cuss out Ben as he was moving my things. It is the ultimate elephant in the room. The only reason I am moving is because Ben decided to take up residence in heaven, leaving me here on Earth to figure out my new path. A path that has had many winding turns, and much heartache. I love my new place, but in looking around something huge is missing. I have not lived alone in almost 10 years. So to be alone again is hard. I am a social person, so to come home and have no one waiting is hard. And if I have a bad work day, I have no one to vent to....aside from Bear. And I made a decision to limit the amount of Ben and Lindsay pics at the new place. So for now Ben holds a 10 by 10 area in the spare bedroom. I feel like such an asshole, only giving him that amount of space in the new digs. But I can't have him looking at me in every room. After all I am trying to heal, and the pics are just a harsh reality that he is dead...really dead. And this time last year, he was dying. He was checking out. Ben was trying to tell me, but I didn't want to hear it. Don't think though, that I didn't know. I knew in my heart that Ben was going to pass and soon, and that I was going to be all alone at Raymond. I have a pretty good read on big life events. Just as I knew that only after a month of dating Ben that I was going to marry him. Call it instinct. My instinct can be good and bad. I had a feeling before Ben ever went in to see Dr. J, that things were going to be bad. I remember laying in bed with Ben the night before his appointment with Dr. J, thinking, oh my God, I think Ben might have cancer. I knew....how did I know? Did Ben know....did he know deep down that he was super sick? I am here to tell you, Ben knew he was dying. He knew months, and months before the rest of us. He told me several times, and I chewed him out. Ben was trying to tell me, to prepare me for his departure, and I shut him out....a nice wife right? What a d move!!!!
I am now officially in the new place. And I have a ton to be thankful for. I have recently met some new and important people in my life. These people have showed me that living is worth it. That I get a second chance at so many things. I have decided to embrace these offers and moments. I feel happier. I feel like I am at the edge of a cliff, looking down, ready to take a leap, a leap of faith. But that's not to say that bad days don't surface. There is no way to explain this process. It is slow and deep. And you just don't know until you know. Next week is Ben's unveiling. I suppose that might be why I feel so off. The unveiling is a Jewish Tradition where the headstone is revealed for the first time. It can feel like a second funeral. We have decided to keep this ceremony very private...immediate family only. This decision was made to try to prevent the event from being to big, and feeling even more like a funeral. I am dreading it!
And then comes Ben's 30th, and of course the anniversary of his death.....booo hisss. This time last years things were really changing for us. I hardly recognized Ben. He was so lost in the disease. His heart will still his, but cancer pretty much stole everything else. September, 3 years ago, is when Ben asked Big D if he could marry me.....it was Gail and Andy's wedding. It was our 23rd wedding together. I had had it with weddings. I ended up drunk, running around in the State helmet....true to form. Little did I know, Ben was ready to make the move. September 27th is the day we got engaged. Ben proposed to me at home. We ended up spending the day sharing the news, watching MSU football, and then playing flag football. It was perfect. He was so pumped up, so proud. He was the one showing off my new bling, and holding my hand, and smiling....what a ham.I have to say, for the first time in a long time, I can see myself finding what I had with Ben again. For a long time, I was jaded and cold, but in time my heart has healed some. I no longer look at couples and get mad, I now smile. I smile at the thought of happiness and family again....wow I am shocked I am sharing this. I am proud to say this.....I am. I am moving forward with the help of so many. I know Ben is looking down, and that he has his hands in so much of all of this. I still tear up when I think of all I lost, but I know that he is working hard to give me what I need.
